A critical look at the headlines that shape our world

Germany Outguns Portugal at Euro Quarter-Final; Panzer Division Mobilizes for Assault on Sudetenland

Pity the poor people of Germany, whose country cannot be named in any news item without some awkward allusion to two bloody but misunderstood attempts to take over the world.

Man Sheds 80 Pounds on McDonald’s Diet; Jared Fogle Unimpressed

‘Supersize Me’ debunked! I now put Morgan Spurlock and James Frey in the same category of shysters.

Herbie Hancock Wins ‘Musician of the Year’; Quincy Jones ‘Livid’

What’s next? John Coltrane ‘Best New Artist’?  And at what point did someone decide “Hey, you know what the world needs? Some jazz interpretations of Jone Mitchell songs.”  No thanks.  I’d prefer an all-xylophone rendition of “Cat Scratch Fever” anyday.

Drunk Fire-Starter on Plane in Police Custody; Drew Barrymore’s Publicist: ‘No Comment’

Is she still a drunk? Frankly, I don’t have time to research this.

Police Cars Collide on Training Day; Commissioner Gutenberg Rethinks Whole “Citizens on Patrol” Idea

I challenge you to go to and see Mike Myers’ abomination “Love Guru” and not lament the death of the Police Academy franchise.

Carney Defends Decision on Rates: “I Told Yous Before, You Pays Your Dollar, You Gets Your Three Chances”

I love carnies.  There.  I said it.

School Principal Says Pact Behind 17 Teen Pregnancies: “The Kids Call it ‘Catholicism”’

Let’s see.  That’s bloodthirsty military regimes, celebrity worship, Steve Gutenberg, gypsies and the perils of organized religion.  Yep, I believe that covers just about everything.  Enjoy the weekend!