Wed 18 Jun 2008
If you’re like me, you’re short, sexually inadequate, easily distracted by shiny objects and somewhat funky (that’s “B.O. funky”, not “James Brown funky”). You also worship two things in life: (i) Hollywood superstars like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Tony Danza, and (ii) sports. And so, like me, you are as excited about the NBA Entertainment League (the “NBAE”) as an Irishman at an “all-you-can-drink, all-you-can-beat” buffet. After all, where else can you watch athletic / cinematic / musical / theatrical / gynecological superstars such as Drew “Don’t Call Me Nick” Lachey of Dancing with the Stars shoot hoops alongside Morris Chestnut (who is best known for his stirring portrayal of “Gordon Mitchell” in Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid)?
The League just wrapped up its season, with the Nuggets edging out the Cavaliers in the final round of the 2008 NBAE Playoffs. Lamont Ferrell, revered the world over for his appearance in 3 separate episodes of House of Payne (which is 2 more episodes than I was aware had actually been produced), walked away with the Playoff MVP, while Scrubs’ Donald Faison took home the coveted League MVP. And who won Rookie of the Year, you ask? Why, none other than SuperDuperStar Sam “The Man” Daly, whose portrayal of “Will” in that one episode of Grey’s Anatomy will haunt my dreams for years to come.
Faison and Bow “Don’t Call Me L’il” Wow Discuss NBAE Strategy
However, the NBAE is far greater than just the Sams, Donalds and Lamonts of the world. Don’t believe me? Take a look for yourself… It is a veritable “Who’s Who” of the entertainment industry. Even Justin Timberlake’s one-named road manager, “Jason”, made the cut for the Lakers. Simply put, the NBAE is a spectator’s dream come true… almost.
As everyone knows, the NBA is a feeder league for the more prestigious Canadian Basketball Association (the “CBA”). I will not waste precious time and internet space by listing the legion of superstars who have come through this elite league over the years, but suffice it to say that the CBA carries on the proud Canadian basketball tradition that James Naismith started (peach baskets and all). It stands to reason, therefore, that the intersecting worlds of sports and sub-par entertainment will not be complete until the powers-that-be wake up and listen to the fans clamouring for the long-awaited CBA Entertainment League (or the “CBAE”, as it shall soon be known).
Proposed CBAE Mascot
In an effort to get the ball rolling [please note the clever pun], Food Court Lunch has used its considerable influence in the Canadian entertainment industry to secure commitments from a stunning list of Canadian G-list celebrities for the CBAE’s inaugural season. Although we do not wish to ruin the flood of unbridled anticipation surrounding the League’s forthcoming announcement, we feel that our readers deserve a sneak-peek at a few of the names that will be appearing on the 08/09 rosters. As an added bonus, we have recently learned that the fledgling league has managed to secure the naming rights from the now-defunct World Basketball League, thus ensuring that the memories of the Winnipeg Thunder, the Halifax Windjammers and the Fresno Flames will live on in more than just our hearts.
And so, without further ado, here is a taste of your CBAE:
Corey Hart – A point guard for the Windjammers, Cory brings a tremendous perimeter game to the CBAE. He’s fast, agile and never surrenders… In many ways (beyond just the hair), he is the league’s Steve Nash.
Celine Dion – Opponents of the Flames fear this 5’1″ French Canadian power forward, who is scary as shit. Seriously. She will kill you simply because she can. Don’t believe me? Try listening to this abortion for the entire 4:45, tough guy…
Chad Kroeger – A surpise pick for the Thunder, CK brings a certain “I don’t know what” to the court. Contractually bound to sing the national anthem before every game, this 6′ centre is often compared to Kobe Bryant (i.e., he is an egomaniac who has been criminally charged). Also, he’s scintillating in post-game interviews.
Joshua Jackson – That’s right, bitches – Pacey is Canadian!! And fortunately for the 88s, JJ can ball… His crossover makes Iverson look like Ray from Rain Man [sorry, I am running out of similes].
Keanu Reeves – When this 6’1″ forward is not touring Latin America with Dogstar, he can be found riding the pine for the CBAE’s Silver Streaks. Though his grasp of the rules is as tenuous as his grasp of the English language, he is the ultimate 6th man (provided the team never needs to go to its bench).
William Shatner – Oh, that’s right kids – TJ Hooker can make it rain all night! Affectionately known by his teammates on the Nighthawks as Captain James T. Dunks-A-Lot, Bill “Eat-My-Shatner”, or Sir Fancypants Von Doubleteam, he is recognized as the Godfather of the CBAE. If you give Bill the rock, he’s guaranteed to put the biscuit in the basket. Sweet sassy molassy, get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rub down, because the game is over once the Captain laces up his Chucks…
So there you have it – get ready for some serious Canadian C-List ballin’…