Wed 21 May 2008
(Sears. Men’s Department. At counter.)
Tim Duncan: (holding a plastic bag) Excuse me?
Saleswoman: Yes, how can I help you, sir?
Duncan: I would like to speak to your manager, please.
Saleswoman: The manager is not in today, sir. I’m the assistant manager. Is there a problem?
Duncan: I certainly hope not. I am here to return some pants that you sold me.
Saleswoman: Okay. Do you have a receipt?
Duncan: (defensive) Um, no, I don’t have a receipt.
Saleswoman: Alright. Can I see the pants?
(Duncan pulls a pair of khakis from the bag. The pants are ragged, and covered in paint. One knee has been patched up, while the other is worn through.)
Duncan: These pants were much too tight and I found them very itchy. I’d like a full refund, please. And if you don’t mind, I’m in a hurry.
Saleswoman: Sir, you can’t return these pants.
Duncan: (incredulous) Wha-what do you mean I can’t return them?
Saleswoman: Sir, these pants have obviously been worn a number of times. It looks like you have also used them to paint in…
Duncan: (voice getting higher) What do you mean they’ve been worn?
Saleswoman: …not to mention that we haven’t carried this style in over two years.
Duncan: (arms in front, palms facing upwards, voice now quite high) What are you talking about? I just bought them! My friends were with me. They’ll tell you. (turns around) Robert!
(Robert Horry is trying on hats a few feet away. He walks over to the counter.)
Horry: What seems to be the problem here? Don’t tell me she is giving you a hard time about returning the pants?
Duncan: She is! Can you believe it? She is trying to say I didn’t just buy these here!
Horry: What? That’s crazy! I was with you when you bought them!
Duncan: I know! That’s what I was trying to tell her!
Saleswoman: (rolls eyes)
Horry: It wasn’t just me, either. Tony was there, too. (turns around) Tony! (looks around) Tony?
(Tony Parker is lying on his back a few feet away, yelling at a janitor with a mop.)
Parker: What iz zee meaning of zis? Zis floor iz too slipp-ah-ree! Did you not theenk to put up a sign to warn pee-pill?
Janitor: (confused) But…but I haven’t started mopping yet…
Parker: (slowly rises to feet) You are luh-kee I do not sue! (marches over to counter) What iz zee problem ‘ere, Teem? Do not tell me she iz giving you trouble about zee pants?
Duncan: She is!
Parker: But I was ‘ere when you bought zem!
Duncan: I know!
Horry: So was I!
Saleswoman: Look, guys, I know what you are trying to do here, but I am not returning those pants.
Duncan: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) Wha-what do you mean what we are trying to do?
Parker: What are you trying to say ‘ere, madame?
Horry: No, you look. You sold my friend some shoddy merchandise, and you should stand by it. Unless, that is, you don’t have pants-returning privileges, Miss…(stares at name tag)…assistant manager.
Janitor: That was a cheap shot.
Parker: (to janitor) You stay owt of zis!
Saleswoman: (to Duncan) Look, sir, I don’t know how stupid you and your friends think…
Duncan: (eyes wide, rapidly shaking head) Ex-excuse me…did you just say my friends were stupid?
Saleswoman: No, I said I don’t know…
Horry: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) What do you mean we are stupid?
Parker: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) What does she mean?
All: (voices extremely high) What do you mean?
Saleswoman: (fists clenched, head down) Enough…
All: (spinning wildly) What does she mean? What does she mean?
Saleswoman: (shouting) ENOUGH!
(Silence. Parker continues spinning.)
Saleswoman: ALRIGHT! YOU WIN! (to Duncan) You! (slams paper down on counter) Fill out this form!
Duncan: Well, it’s about time. (fills out form)
(Parker, slightly dizzy, collapses to floor.)
Saleswoman: (opens register, slams money down on counter) Here is your $22.50, sir.
Duncan: (haughty, eyes closed) Thank you.
Saleswoman: And I don’t ever want to see any of you back in this store again.
Duncan: Oh, don’t you worry about that. Let’s go, fellas.
(Parker rises to feet. The three men walk towards the exit.)
Parker: (to janitor) You should be more careful!
Janitor: (slowly shakes head)
(Duncan, Horry and Parker stand in front of the store.)
Horry: (rubs hands together) So what should we do with the money?
Duncan: Grab some lunch? How about East Side Mario’s?
Horry: But we don’t have enough for all of us!
Duncan: (rolls eyes) Oh, Robert. All those rings, but still so much to learn. Tony, do you have any of Eva’s hair with you?
Parker: (pulls Ziploc bag from purse) Always.
Duncan: Then I have a feeling the cooks at East Side’s are going to be sorry they forgot to wear their hairnets.
Horry: What do you…ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
Parker: Teem calls it ze “Bah-da-boom, bah-da-beeng”!
Horry: I’ll tell Manu to come meet us.
(All start giggling uncontrollably as they run off down the street.)