(Sears.  Men’s Department.  At counter.)

Tim Duncan: (holding a plastic bag) Excuse me?

Saleswoman: Yes, how can I help you, sir?

Duncan: I would like to speak to your manager, please.

Saleswoman: The manager is not in today, sir.  I’m the assistant manager.  Is there a problem?

Duncan: I certainly hope not.  I am here to return some pants that you sold me.

Saleswoman: Okay.  Do you have a receipt?

Duncan: (defensive) Um, no, I don’t have a receipt.

Saleswoman: Alright.  Can I see the pants?

(Duncan pulls a pair of khakis from the bag.  The pants are ragged, and covered in paint.  One knee has been patched up, while the other is worn through.)


Saleswoman: Uh…sir…

Duncan: These pants were much too tight and I found them very itchy.  I’d like a full refund, please.  And if you don’t mind, I’m in a hurry.

Saleswoman: Sir, you can’t return these pants.

Duncan: (incredulous) Wha-what do you mean I can’t return them?

Saleswoman: Sir, these pants have obviously been worn a number of times.  It looks like you have also used them to paint in…

Duncan: (voice getting higher) What do you mean they’ve been worn?

Saleswoman: …not to mention that we haven’t carried this style in over two years.

Duncan: (arms in front, palms facing upwards, voice now quite high) What are you talking about?  I just bought them!  My friends were with me.  They’ll tell you.  (turns around) Robert!

(Robert Horry is trying on hats a few feet away.  He walks over to the counter.)


Horry: What seems to be the problem here?  Don’t tell me she is giving you a hard time about returning the pants?

Duncan: She is!  Can you believe it?  She is trying to say I didn’t just buy these here!

Horry: What?  That’s crazy!  I was with you when you bought them!

Duncan: I know!  That’s what I was trying to tell her!

Saleswoman: (rolls eyes)

Horry: It wasn’t just me, either.  Tony was there, too.  (turns around) Tony! (looks around) Tony?

(Tony Parker is lying on his back a few feet away, yelling at a janitor with a mop.)


Parker: What iz zee meaning of zis?  Zis floor iz too slipp-ah-ree!  Did you not theenk to put up a sign to warn pee-pill?

Janitor: (confused) But…but I haven’t started mopping yet…

Parker: (slowly rises to feet) You are luh-kee I do not sue! (marches over to counter) What iz zee problem ‘ere, Teem?  Do not tell me she iz giving you trouble about zee pants?

Duncan: She is!

Parker: But I was ‘ere when you bought zem!

Duncan: I know!

Horry: So was I!

Saleswoman: Look, guys, I know what you are trying to do here, but I am not returning those pants.

Duncan: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) Wha-what do you mean what we are trying to do?

Parker: What are you trying to say ‘ere, madame?

Saleswoman: Look…

Horry: No, you look.  You sold my friend some shoddy merchandise, and you should stand by it.  Unless, that is, you don’t have pants-returning privileges, Miss…(stares at name tag)…assistant manager.

Duncan: Snap!

Janitor: That was a cheap shot.

Parker: (to janitor) You stay owt of zis!

Saleswoman:  (to Duncan)  Look, sir, I don’t know how stupid you and your friends think…

Duncan: (eyes wide, rapidly shaking head) Ex-excuse me…did you just say my friends were stupid?

Saleswoman: No, I said I don’t know…

Horry: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) What do you mean we are stupid?

Parker: (arms in front, palms facing upwards) What does she mean?

All:  (voices extremely high) What do you mean?

Saleswoman: (fists clenched, head down) Enough…

All: (spinning wildly) What does she mean?  What does she mean?

Saleswoman: (shouting) ENOUGH!

(Silence.  Parker continues spinning.)

Saleswoman: ALRIGHT!  YOU WIN! (to Duncan) You! (slams paper down on counter) Fill out this form!

Duncan: Well, it’s about time. (fills out form)

 (Parker, slightly dizzy, collapses to floor.)

Saleswoman: (opens register, slams money down on counter) Here is your $22.50, sir

Duncan: (haughty, eyes closed) Thank you.

Saleswoman: And I don’t ever want to see any of you back in this store again.

Duncan: Oh, don’t you worry about that.  Let’s go, fellas.

(Parker rises to feet.  The three men walk towards the exit.)

Parker: (to janitor) You should be more careful!

Janitor: (slowly shakes head)

(Duncan, Horry and Parker stand in front of the store.)

Horry: (rubs hands together) So what should we do with the money?

Duncan: Grab some lunch?  How about East Side Mario’s?

Horry: But we don’t have enough for all of us!

Duncan: (rolls eyes) Oh, Robert.  All those rings, but still so much to learn.  Tony, do you have any of Eva’s hair with you?

Parker: (pulls Ziploc bag from purse) Always.

Duncan: Then I have a feeling the cooks at East Side’s are going to be sorry they forgot to wear their hairnets.

Horry: What do you…ohhhhhhhhhhhh!


Parker: Teem calls it ze “Bah-da-boom, bah-da-beeng”!

Horry: I’ll tell Manu to come meet us.

(All start giggling uncontrollably as they run off down the street.)