After successfully eliminating the scourge of performancing-enhancing drugs from the sport of baseball, Bud Selig needs a new war to wage. Enter the dreaded maple bat.

The kindly old face of the enemy.

Are these baseball bats really a serious threat to the game of baseball? There’s only one way to find out: sleuthing! As you well know, the journalists at Food Court Lunch will stop at nothing to bring you the truth behind today’s sports headlines. After three days of dumpster diving, mailroom blowjobs and hidden microphones taped to our genitals, we thought to ourselves, “maybe we should look into this maple bat issue.” So we broke into Bud Selig’s office and stole this confidential letter. Looks to us like this maple bat issue isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.


May 21, 2008

Mr. Jeffrey Loria
Owner, Florida Marlins
2267 Dan Marino Boulevard
Miami, Florida 33056

Dear Jeffrey:

It’s been awhile since I have heard from you.  I know how things get in the world of fine art. As I understand it, it’s exactly like owning a car leasing business, which, believe me, brother, is no piece of cake. Anyway, I’m just dropping you a line to see how things are. On behalf of the rest of us here at MLB headquarters, we have to tell you how impressed we are by the way you are running the Marlins. Last in MLB payroll? First in the NL East? How do you do it, Jeffrey? You go out of your way to scrounge every last dollar out of your franchise, fans and team performance be damned, and still you wind up in first place. It’s the Bizarro Marlins. You must be shitting golden horseshoes – there’s no other way to explain it. Or is there? A Faustian bargain, perhaps? You don’t have to tell me, Jeffrey — I know these things. How else could I have obtained this luscious head of hair?

Anyway, I thought that I should let you know about something that is sure to amuse you. I, as Commissioner of Major League Baseball, have taken it upon myself to rid myself of the greatest scourge known to the game today. No, not performance-enhancing drugs, Jeffrey – we have no official knowledge of that. No, it’s maple bats. These things are an absolute menace, shattering willy-nilly and putting everyone’s lives in danger. I cannot believe that such a problem has….ah, shit – just kidding. Fucking maple bats. Can you believe I just made that one up? Maple bats!!! Seriously, Jeffrey, it was either that or Big League Chew (I was going to blame it for epidemic diabetes rates among players). Where do I come up with this shit? And the funny thing is, people take me seriously. Maple bats? Sounds like code for Canadian cock. Unbelievable. I can make this shit up and folks are all over it like these bats were being used to kill seal pups. You know what they say about absolute power – it rocks absolutely! God, I love being Commissioner.

The reason why I thought I’d let you know about this is because, get this: these bats are actually made by Canadians. If anyone knows anything about fucking over Canadians, it’s you. It’s fantastic. Truly liberating. I can see why you did it so often – they are so damn passive! I could beat Matt Stairs to death with a maple bat and all I’d get is some disapproving clucking. I am a God, Jeffrey, especially to those saps. (Saps, maple – I am on a total roll here!) I can do anything I want to them. Do you want the Blue Jays, Jeffrey? They’re yours. Fuck it, move them to Portland, Virginia, anywhere you want. Christ, make them your farm team – I don’t give a shit. I just sent two men to kill Jason Bay. Why? Because Bud says so, that’s why. Ferguson Jenkins? I made him change his name to Beaver-Tits Maple-Bottom. Either that or he’s out of the Hall of Fame. Erik Bedard? Mowing my lawn. Rich Harden? I sent those two guys to hurt him, but he had already taken care of it himself. In fact, I’m thinking about giving Montreal another team just so that I can get another shot at getting rid of Youppi. It’s good to be the King, Jeffrey – very good.

Be sure to come out in support of the maple bat ban. It would be like pouring salt in their wounds. If you play your cards right, Jeffrey, there could be a Vancouver franchise in the offing for you. Well, at least until about five years in when you move them to Alabama. Fuck them, eh?