Once again Food Court Lunch has the exclusive scoop: Two league sources have confirmed that Pat Riley is set to assume control of Toronto Raptors.

Sounds crazy, but it’s true.  We thoroughly checked it out.  The two league sources, who wish to remain unidentified, indicated that a press conference could be coming as soon as Monday morning.  Now, our readers may be skeptical about the likelihood of getting Pat Riley behind the bench for the young Raptors, but consider the following:

• The two league sources were overheard on the subway after the Raptors’ game 5 loss to the Orlando Magic on Monday night talking about what went wrong for the Raptors, and both sources agreed that Sam Mitchell “knows fuck all” about basketball and that “big time changes” need to be made;

• One of the sources noted that, earlier that day, Pat Riley had totally made the announcement that he was resigning from his position as head coach of the Miami Heat, much to the surprise of the sports media;

• The other source quickly noted that Riley is a “big time coach”;

• Then both sources agreed that GM Bryan Colangelo will undoubtedly “pull the trigger” and “get Riley’s ass behind the bench”; and

• Apparently satisfied that a deal had been reached, both sources then high-fived.

I know! We’re just as excited as you are!  What’s that? You’re still not convinced?  Just who are these sources, you say? Well, consider this: Both of the league sources were wearing Raptors jerseys! One was wearing an circa 1997 Oliver Miller jersey, and the other was wearing a 2005 Keon Clark away jersey.  Exactly.  We can only assume that the two sources were senior members of the Raptors’ executive braintrust.

We at Food Court Lunch wish to extend our most heartfelt welcome to coach Riley!  Surely this groundbreaking announcement will be exactly what our beloved Raptors need to get over the hump and get past the first round of the playoffs next year.  What’s next, an NBA finals appearance?????  Or a 15-67 finish????