Wed 16 Apr 2008
Hey there, crossover fans of 1980s nostalgia and sports! Remember those wacky Garbage Pail Kids that used to be all the rage? The burgeoning hipster’s response to the tyranny of Cabbage Patch? Well, we and those funny frozen fellas over at Melt Your Face Off sure do. Heck, when we were kids our dresser was a literal collage of GPK and baseball stickers. It was the only place one could find Wade Boggs next to Smelly Sally. Well, maybe not the only place. But for the most part, outside of the bedroom furniture and shoeboxes of pre-pubescent boys, Garbage Pail Kids and sports were wholly unrelated.
Or so we thought.
Turns out, the folks over at Garbage Pail Headquarters (which we both hope and assume is a building shaped like a large trash can) proved to be not only masters of delicious puns and booger-artistry, but sporting soothsayers as well. In some cases, their predictions were downright…eerie.
The MYFO gang have the evidence from the world of hockey. Below, the goods from the remaining sports.
Prepare to have your mind blown, not unlike this guy.
“On The Mark” McGwire
The most famous alleged-recipient-of-buttocks-injections in baseball history, and that’s saying something! If the picture were just a bit wider, you would see a l’il Jose Canseco, bow taut, face twitching. And while we are on the subject of performance enhancing injections…
“Prickly Rick” Ankiel
Be careful, little desert chameleon: standing that close to Rick might cast some doubt on your remarkable powers of transformation.
Michael “Con Vic”k
What do the infinite little Con Vics in his mouth symbolize? Perhaps the inescapability of the criminal condition for our impoverished youth? Someone, somewhere, has done a university thesis on this.
“Dead Ted” Williams
Even if they do eventually thaw out and revive the cryogenically-frozen Splendid Splinter, scientists still haven’t answered the next logical question: namely, what to do about his craving for brains?
“Fred Thread” Taylor
The oft-injured Jacksonville Jaguars running back, nicknamed Fragile Fred by frustrated fantasy owners, was surprisingly durable this past season. Hint for defensive scouts on opposing teams: there is a loose thread at the base of his abdomen. It’s all that is holding him together at this point.
“Grim Jim” Leyland
Years of chain-smoking combined with the stress of managing at the Major League level have left this sexagenarian looking decidedly-Reaperish. Ironically, if the Tigers don’t pull themselves out of their early tailspin, Jim may be the one getting the axe.
Bay’s happy-go-lucky Canadian spirit won’t be enough to keep the Pirates out of the toilet this year. Or next year. But we hear good things about 2013.
“Junkfood John” Daly
Golf’s everyman would grow up to replace the soda with beer, the ice cream with greater quantities of ice cream, and the sticky lollipop with grizzled, breast-baring cougars. Incidentally, getting money off John is like taking candy from a baby. Just ask a Vegas blackjack dealer or any of his ex-wives.
“Leaky” Moises A-”Lou”
The man famous for peeing on his hands should have put a “cork” in it when his angry tirade ruined Steve Bartman’s life. As an aside, 84% of all Garbage Pail Kids’ illustrations involve bodily excretions (source: Elias Sports Bureau).
“Marty Gras”-car De La Hoya
Okay, the name doesn’t match up all that well, but the resemblance is uncanny.
“Nervous Rex” Grossman
Sorry, Rexy, but it looks like the starting job is still yours to lose. If it is any consolation, Bears fans are right there with you. And in case they forgot…
“Vile Kyle” Orton
“No Way Jose” Offerman
Dodgers’ fans in the early to mid-90s will remember Offerman’s “Ole!”-style of playing shortstop. This is a guy who made the All-Star team in 1995 despite having more errors (35) than RBIs (33). Offerman gained more recent notoriety when, in 2007, he struck a pitcher and catcher with his bat during a minor league game. He hasn’t had a multi-hit performance since.
“Peter Cheater” Rose
The only actual carrot top on the “Big Red Machine” teams, Charlie Hustle never could manage to stay on the straight and narrow. Raise your hand if you have been to Vegas and haven’t seen Pete in a sports book? Just as we thought – only Blind Eddie.
“Please Give Me A Homer”
Insert the name of your local Mets/Royals fan here.
“Rappin’ Ron” Artest
The Kings forward/burgeoning hip-hop star has his post-basketball career pretty-well mapped out, as he is President of his own label, Tru Warier Records. But he would trade it all in if someone would only cure him of his crippling fear of snake eggs.
“Travellin’ Travis” Henry
With nine kids from nine different women, Travellin’ Travis definitely gets around. And based on those numbers, that pic isn’t the first time he’s had difficulty with rubber.
“Sumo Sid” Ponson
Currently rolling around in the Texas Rangers’ minor league system, the (very) portly pitcher is no stranger to big controversy. Non-baseball fans may be surprised to learn Ponson was once charged with assaulting a judge. They might be even more surprised to learn that it wasn’t the judge of a pie-eating contest.
“Weird” Herschel “Walker”
The actual term for Walker’s mental illness is “Dissociative Identity Disorder.” But alliteration makes things easier to remember, and this is kinder than “Herschel Hears Herschels”.
“Wrinkly Randy” Johnson
The 44-year old Big Unit recently returned to the Arizona Diamondbacks from the disabled list. While the team is happy to have the future Hall-of-Famer back in the rotation, they are less excited for the return of his story about spending that one summer as a roadie for the Glenn Miller Orchestra.
“Jim Nauseum” Abbott
Self-explanatory. And if you thought that one was tasteless…
“Apple Cory” Li
Tragically, the bite he would take out of the Big Apple in 2006 would be his last.
Images courtesy of the folks at Garbage Pail Kids Archive.