In an effort to combat the perception that professional athletes have become too “inaccessible” to the North American audience, the good folks at W.W. Norton have recently commissioned an anthology of poetry penned entirely by the athletes themselves. The work is intended to provide a look at the emotional side of these stoic warriors in the hopes of humanizing them. 

Food Court Lunch has once again made use of its extensive influence in the world of professional poetry (“pro po”, as it’s known in the industry) to bring you this exclusive preview of selected extracts from the forthcoming anthology’s chapter devoted to the purest of Japanese poetic form (a recognized favourite among professional athletes), the “haiku”

Michael Vick

God I hate PETA,
It was just friendly betting!
Oh, and some dead dogs.

   

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Roger Clemens

Note to self, Roger:
Congress hearing not good plan!
Perhaps I’ll blame wife…

     

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Adam “Pacman” Jones

I can “make it rain”
With bags of one dollar bills…
and also bullets.

  

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Gary Bettman

“Je suis un grand douche.”
Why do I still have a job?!
Shaved chimps could do more…

   

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Bill Walton

Am I the greatest?
Good question, Bill. Yes I am.
Let me tell you why…

  

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Anna Kournikova 

I don’t win majors,
But who cares about tennis?
Look at me! I’m hot!!

 

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Tiger Woods

I am the greatest.
I am a master poet.
I am so good that I even transcend the standard rules of haiku poetry…
Now if I hear one more shutter snap there will be hell to pay, bitches.