Wed 2 Apr 2008
Deep inside a dark cave, a hundred miles outside of Chicago.
Moises Alou: (holding lantern) Yel-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo! Anybody here-ere-ere-ere? Aw, man, I mus’ be in the wrong cave.
(A loud hissing noise fills the cavern.)
Alou: Who is there?
Soft, hissing voice: Don’t you asssk quessstions of me. It isss you who are tressspasssing.
Alou: Look, mein, I don’ wan’ no trouble. I yuss looking for Steve Bartman. Is he down here?
(A rapid pattering of feet echoes through the cavern. A shadow grows bigger along the wall.)
Voice: Perhapsss. Who isss asssking?
Alou: Moises Alou.
Voice: What…do you want with him?
Alou: Well, I came down here to apologize to heem.
Voice: (pause) Apologissse?
Alou: Jes. I was sitting in my hot tub the other day, jus’ relaxing. And I got to thinking about the 2003 NLCS. And I turned to the ladies – there were a bunch o’ ladies in the hot tub with me – and I say, “hey, ‘chu know what, ladies, I don’ think that I could hay-ve even caught the ball that Luis Castillo hit into the crowd.” And then I say, “‘chu’ know, I kind of overreacted when that fan knocked it away, too.”
Voice: (pauses) Go on.
Alou: So then I say, “I should find out what that fan’s name was, and maybe apologize for getting so angry.” Because he probably took a lot of flack for that. So I ask my agent to ask what the fan’s name was, and he say eyyy’reebody seems to know what it is. So I ask heem to get in touch with hees fam-lee, and he does, and they say he leeves down here in thees cave.
Voice: Yesss, he doesss.
Alou: Oh, that is good. Well, can you get heem? I brought heem thees basket of moof-ins.
Voice: A…a basssket of muffinsss?
Alou: Yeah. It’s got some bloo-berry, and some carrot, I think…
Voice: (softly) You didn’t even know hisss name?
Alou: (looking at basket) …I’m not ‘chure what thees one is. Maybe choc-o-leh cheep, or ray-san?
Voice: Well, I can make sure he getsss it, friend.
Alou: Oh, good.
(A horrific creature emerges from the shadows.)
Alou: AAAGGGHHH! Willie McGee!
Bartman: NO, you fool! It is me – Bartman!
Alou: CHU’…CHU’ ARE NO’ HUMAN!
Bartman: No. Not ssso much anymore. But spending four and a half yearsss living in a cave will do that to a man. For you sssee, Moisssesss, after Game Sssix, I could no longer live on the sssurface. I got death threatsss. Asssaulted. Chasssed all over town by man, child and dog alike. Yesss, while you were sssitting in your hot tub, with your ladiesss, I wasss having my LIFE RUINED!
Alou: (dry heaving) It’s dis-cuss-teeng.
Bartman: So I retreated to the cavesss. Like the monssster…I had become.
Alou: (shielding eyes) Hay-zus, mein, that is terrible. Look, I feel awful about the whole theeng, I ree-lly do. Tell chu’ what I am going to do. I’m gonna leave thees basket, for chu’ to enjoy, then I’m going to go back outside, and I’m gonna send chu’ down my interior decorator, h-okay? She is gonna give this place the works. Flat screen, leather cowch, hot tub in any colour that chu’ like…
Bartman: Oh, I’m afraid you aren’t going anywhere, Moisssesss.
Alou: Hey, what chu’ mean, mein?
Bartman: Yesss, I’ve been waiting a long time for thisss…
Alou: H-okay, h-okay. I can see that chu’ are upset. Jus’ let me say one thing…(quickly spins around and starts to run out of cave)
Bartman: MITCH! SCOTT!
(Suddenly, Mitch Williams and Scott Norwood drop from the ceiling, blocking Alou’s path.)
Alou: GAH! Who are chu’ guys?!?
Bartman: Gentlemen…advance on him!
Alou: (whips it out) Stand back! I’ll do it, mein! I’ll peess all over ALL of chu’!
(Williams and Norwood pause.)
Bartman: Here! Ussse thessse gogglesss!
(Bartman tosses two pairs of swimming goggles towards Williams and Norwood. Alou stretches out his arm to catch them, but Williams jumps in his way.)
Alou: (irate) You idiot! You cost me the goggles!
Bartman: Oh, you have got to be kidding…ATTACK!
(Williams and Norwood pounce on Alou.)
Alou: Dios…(urine and clothing begin to fly in every direction)…DIOS MIOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Fade to black.)