Deep inside a dark cave, a hundred miles outside of Chicago.

cave.jpg

Moises Alou: (holding lantern)  Yel-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo!  Anybody here-ere-ere-ere?  Aw, man, I mus’ be in the wrong cave.

(A loud hissing noise fills the cavern.)

Alou: Who is there?

Soft, hissing voice: Don’t you asssk quessstions of me.  It isss you who are tressspasssing.

Alou: Look, mein, I don’ wan’ no trouble.  I yuss looking for Steve Bartman.  Is he down here?

(A rapid pattering of feet echoes through the cavern.  A shadow grows bigger along the wall.)

Voice: Perhapsss.  Who isss asssking?

Alou: Moises Alou.

Voice: (silent)

Alou: Yello?

Voice: What…do you want with him?

Alou: Well, I came down here to apologize to heem.

Voice: (pause) Apologissse?

Alou: Jes.  I was sitting in my hot tub the other day, jus’ relaxing.  And I got to thinking about the 2003 NLCS.  And I turned to the ladies  – there were a bunch o’ ladies in the hot tub with me – and I say, “hey, ‘chu know what, ladies, I don’ think that I could hay-ve even caught the ball that Luis Castillo hit into the crowd.”  And then I say, “‘chu’ know, I kind of overreacted when that fan knocked it away, too.”

Voice: (pauses) Go on.

Alou: So then I say, “I should find out what that fan’s name was, and maybe apologize for getting so angry.”  Because he probably took a lot of flack for that.  So I ask my agent to ask what the fan’s name was, and he say eyyy’reebody seems to know what it is.  So I ask heem to get in touch with hees fam-lee, and he does, and they say he leeves down here in thees cave.

Voice: Yesss, he doesss.

Alou: Oh, that is good.  Well, can you get heem?  I brought heem thees basket of moof-ins.

Voice: A…a basssket of muffinsss?

Alou: Yeah.  It’s got some bloo-berry, and some carrot, I think…

Voice: (softly) You didn’t even know hisss name?

Alou: (looking at basket) I’m not ‘chure what thees one is.  Maybe choc-o-leh cheep, or ray-san?

Voice: Well, I can make sure he getsss it, friend.

Alou: Oh, good.

Voice: BEHOLD!

(A horrific creature emerges from the shadows.)

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Alou: AAAGGGHHH!  Willie McGee!

Bartman: NO, you fool!  It is me – Bartman!

Alou: CHU’…CHU’ ARE NO’ HUMAN!

Bartman: No.  Not ssso much anymore.  But spending four and a half yearsss living in a cave will do that to a man.  For you sssee, Moisssesss, after Game Sssix, I could no longer live on the sssurface.  I got death threatsss.  Asssaulted.  Chasssed all over town by man, child and dog alike.  Yesss, while you were sssitting in your hot tub, with your ladiesss, I wasss having my LIFE RUINED!

Alou: (dry heaving) It’s dis-cuss-teeng.

Bartman: So I retreated to the cavesss.  Like the monssster…I had become.

Alou: (shielding eyes) Hay-zus, mein, that is terrible.  Look, I feel awful about the whole theeng, I ree-lly do.  Tell chu’ what I am going to do.  I’m gonna leave thees basket, for chu’ to enjoy, then I’m going to go back outside, and I’m gonna send chu’ down my interior decorator, h-okay?  She is gonna give this place the works. Flat screen, leather cowch, hot tub in any colour that chu’ like…

Bartman: Oh, I’m afraid you aren’t going anywhere, Moisssesss.

Alou: Hey, what chu’ mean, mein?

Bartman: Yesss, I’ve been waiting a long time for thisss…

Alou: H-okay, h-okay.  I can see that chu’ are upset.  Jus’ let me say one thing…(quickly spins around and starts to run out of cave)

Bartman: MITCH!  SCOTT!

(Suddenly, Mitch Williams and Scott Norwood drop from the ceiling, blocking Alou’s path.)

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Alou: GAH!  Who are chu’ guys?!?

Bartman: Gentlemen…advance on him!

Alou: (whips it out)  Stand back!  I’ll do it, mein!  I’ll peess all over ALL of chu’!

(Williams and Norwood pause.)

Bartman: Here!  Ussse thessse gogglesss!

(Bartman tosses two pairs of swimming goggles towards Williams and Norwood.  Alou stretches out his arm to catch them, but Williams jumps in his way.)

Alou: (irate) You idiot!  You cost me the goggles!

Bartman: Oh, you have got to be kidding…ATTACK!

(Williams and Norwood pounce on Alou.) 

Alou: Dios…(urine and clothing begin to fly in every direction)…DIOS MIOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Fade to black.)