(Monday.  1:34 in the morning.  Air Canada Centre.  Arena is empty, except for Bryan Colangelo, who is on the phone in his office.)

Bryan Colangelo: …he’s fast, you say?  The fastest you’ve ever seen?  Hey, now we’re talking.  Tell me, how does he get along with the other sherpas?

(Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.)

Colangelo: (startled) Huh?  Who’s there?  Show yourself!

(Door opens.  Jose Calderon peeks his head inside.)

Jose Calderon: Yen-eral Mana-yer?  It ish just me, Ho-say.

Colangelo: Jose, it is 1:30 in the morning!

Calderon: I know, but I could no wait to talk at you.  Ish very important.

Colangelo: Alright, Jose.  (into phone) I’ll call you back.  (to Jose) That was Jampa, our scout in the Himalayas.  I’m trying to pick us up a defensive stopper.  So, what is it?

Calderon: Well, Yen-eral Mana-yer, it is about Tee-yay.

Colangelo: T.J. Ford?  Funny. I could have sworn I traded him… anyway, go on.

Calderon: Well, I am very worried.  He ish having much trouble now that he ish no longer starting, and thish ish making him muy, muy sad.  I think it would be best for the team if he wash the starting point guard de neuvo.

Colangelo: Why, Jose!  That is very selfless of you.

Calderon: (blushes) Oh, Mishter Colan-yelo, you are embarr-asshing me.

Colangelo: No, Jose, I am very impressed.  There are not many players who would do this for their teams.  And I think you are right.  Starting would mean a lot to T.J., and could be just the shake-up our team needs.  I’m going to call Coach Mitchell.  But I won’t forget what you’ve done.

Calderon: I just want what ish best for the team, ish all.  I will now leave you to be.

Colangelo: Thank you, Jose.

Calderon: Shall I close the door, or leave it open?

Colangelo: Open is fine.  Goodnight, Jose.

Calderon: Good night. (leaves)

Colangelo: (smiles) Well, I’ll be… (picks up phone)

***

(Tuesday.  1:18 in the morning.  Air Canada Centre.  Colangelo is in his office, doing one-armed push-ups.)

Colangelo: Seventy-six…seventy-seven…ugh, push it…seventy-eight…T-1000, T-1000…

(Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.)

Colangelo: (startled) Gah!  Who’s there!?!

(Jose Calderon peeks his head inside.)

Calderon: Ish me, Ho-say.

Colangelo: (sighs) Come in.

Calderon: Mishter Colan-yelo, it is about Primoz Brezec.  I have been noticing that ever since he came to us, he hash been having trouble making friends.  I think it may be because hish locker is all the way at the end, near, how you say el servicio…the toilets?

Colangelo: And?

Calderon: And I thought if I gave him my locker, he would be closh-er to the other players.  And that would help him make friends.

Colangelo: This couldn’t wait until morning?

Calderon: I wanted to set it up before he came in tomorrow.  He looked so lonely at the shoot-around. 

Colangelo: Fine, Jose.  That’s very nice of you.  Now please, I have work to do.

Calderon: Gracias, I go now. (leaves)

Colangelo: (sighs) My word.  (drops to floor, resumes push-ups) One…

***

(Wednesday.  2:02 in the morning.  Air Canada Centre.  Colangelo is in his office, sleeping on a bed of nails.  Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.)

Colangelo: (wakes up startled) What in the…oh, for the love of…Jose?!?

Calderon: (excited) Hello, Mishter Colan-yelo!

Colangelo: What is it, Jose?

Calderon: I have planned a ‘Welcome to Toronto’ party for my new teammate Linton Johnson, and I was wondering if I could borrow the plane?  We are going to take him to Disneyland and…

Colangelo: YES, FINE!  Take the plane.  Just…please, Jose, I need to get some sleep.

Calderon: Thank you.  I am sorry, Yen-eral Mana-yer.  Go back to the sleep. (leaves)

Colangelo: (deep breath, closes eyes) Mercy…

***

(Thursday.  12:54 in the morning.  Air Canada Centre.  Colangelo stands in the middle of his office, staring straight ahead, completely naked.  Suddenly, there is a knock at the door.)

Calderon: (walking in) Mishter Colan-yelo…

Colangelo: Aaahh!  Jose! 

Calderon: Mishter Colan-yelo, Jack Armstrong needs a kidney…

Colangelo: (baffled) But he’s the t.v. guy.  He’s not even on the team!

Calderon: Oh, but he ish such a nice man…

Colangelo: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

(Calderon, startled, hurries out of room.)

Colangelo: GOD! (putting on kimono)  What is wrong with him?

Calderon: (meekly from out in the hall)  M..Mishter Colan-yelo?  I…I am very sorry to bother…perhaps I may explain to you?

Colangelo: (silent)

(Calderon slowly enters.)

Colangelo: (clenches fists, stares up at ceiling) You have one minute.

Calderon: Gracias.  Gracias, mi capitan.  I will use my one minute to try and explain why Ho-Say ish the way he ish.

Colangelo: 55 seconds.

Calderon: Si, si.  It all goes back to when I wash growing up in Villaneuva de la SeraEna.  A boy, no more than fifteen.  My team was playing for the high school championship of Badajoz province.  We were all to take the bus to the game together.  But I had just finished practicing with one of my club teams, and I wash running very late.  So I telephoned my coach and tell them to go ahead without me.  That I would meet them at the game.  But…I never get the chance…(lowers his head, sobs)…

Colangelo: Jose?

Calderon: (covering eyes, crying) I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THAT BUS WITH THEM!

Colangelo: (softly) Oh my, Jose.  I am so sorry.  Were…were your teammates in an accident? 

Calderon: (shakes head)

Colangelo: (softly) Then what was it?

Calderon: Mi madre…her car broke down on the way.  And I…I never make it to the game.

Colangelo: (relieved) Oh.  Oh, I see.  And your team ended up losing the game.

Calderon: No, we won the game.  (smiles) We had a big party.  It was so much fun.

Colangelo: (confused) I don’t understand.  What went wrong?

Calderon: Don’t you see?  Don’t you see, Yen-eral Mana-yer?  I HAD THE GATORADE!  My teammates had to play the whole game…WITH A GREAT THIRST! (falls to floor)

Colangelo: …

Calderon: I swore…from that day forth…I would never let my teammates down again.

Colangelo: (calmly) Jose?

Calderon: (pounds fist on floor) Never again!

Colangelo: Jose?

Calderon: (stops crying, sits up and wipes nose) Yes, Mishter Colan-yelo?

Colangelo: I want you to get up, leave, and I don’t ever want to see you back in here again.  You are banned from my office.

Calderon: Que? But…

Colangelo: (gritting teeth) Did you hear me?  I don’t care if Chris Bosh has been kidnapped by a gang of Basque separatists.  You tell that to Coach Mitchell, and he will tell me.

Calderon: But I do not…

Colangelo: (booming voice) LEAVE!

Calderon: (hurries out of room, slams door)

(Colangelo slowly walks over to his desk and pours himself a tall scotch, which he downs in one gulp.  He walks to the middle of the room, and closes his eyes.) 

Colangelo: First round Orlando.  First round Orlando.  (drops kimono to floor, deep breath)  First round Orlando.  First round…