If you are anything like me, you like to start off your Saturday morning (which follows a night of hard drinking on Good Friday) with a dose of TV porn. However, some people (let’s call them “Godless Hollywood Communists”) make it hard for you to find porn on a Saturday morning. Instead of getting easy access to a skin flick, you have to painstakingly scour through all of your channels to find a glimpse of skin good enough to get your juices flowing. As I was combing through the “300″ section of my Rogers Cable choices, I came across this little gem on the “Silver Screen Classics” channel (321 for your future reference). I was curious (Bi-curious? No, just curious).

Intriguing. I kept on watching and waiting for the small boys on the screen to stop looking around the haunted house and for the hot, hot action (Hott Axxxtion?) to start.

Still nothing. Those damned kids were still exploring the house. Wait, was this gay porn? Kiddie porn? Does NAMBLA have its own channel? Did Bryan Singer do a short film I didn’t know about? Oh, man, this was going to get awkward. I listened for the tell-tale wail of sirens outside my door, again.

C’mon! Get the kids off the screen and get to the nasty stuff! For Christ’s sake, Sex TV is still showing CityLine before noon. What’s a guy to do? Wait forever with his sweat pants around his ankles? It’s enough to make me think that Silver Screen Classics may have been showing “The Boy Next Door“, which doesn’t exactly feature the ribald images that I was looking for.

What a disappointment. I was only able to masturbate two times to it. Silver Screen Classics, you’ll be hearing from me! My letter will be the one with the sticky Kleenex in the envelope.