Disclosure time: when we started this website last August, we fully expected that we would retire very wealthy within eight months.  Unfortunately, with that target date fast approaching, we are still being employed against our wills and don’t have a dime to show for our efforts.  This got us to thinking, “what are we doing wrong?”

Then we noticed that Horton Hears a Who! cleaned up at the box office this past weekend, and it dawned on us: we’ve been going after the wrong demographic!  All this time we have been writing articles aimed at people like ourselves - namely, 21 - 36 year old fans of sports and popular culture with a crippling fear of zombies but little disposable income.  However, the real money is in the childrens’ market.  Hannah Montana, The Wiggles, Larry the Cable Guy - all of these folks are rolling in green right now because they had the good sense to focus their efforts on those tiniest of consumers.

So we are going to try a new approach, at least for today, and start writing some more kid-friendly posts.  And we thought we would start by blatantly stealing from one of our old favourites, Encyclopedia Brown!  We hope this change in direction will allow at least one of us to quit our jobs (preferably Butter Chicken, who works as a fundraiser for an organization of Holocaust deniers).  At the very least, we hope it will cover our legal fees for the inevitable copyright suit by Donald J. Sobol.

So gather around, mystery-lovers between the ages of 7-14, as we present our first kid-friendly posting - it’s Encyclopedia Brown in The Case of the Cake at the ESPYs.  We hope you enjoy (and if any of your parents are powerful advertising executives specializing in new media, would you be a dear and put them in touch?):

The Case of the Cake at the ESPYs

Encyclopedia Brown walked into Hollywood’s Kodak Theatre on a hot July night.  “Encyclopedia, I’m glad you are here,” said basketball superstar Chris Paul.  “Something terrible has happened.  Please, come with me.”  Chris lead Encyclopedia down a hallway towards the backstage area of the ESPY Awards, which had concluded less than an hour before.  “I feel terrible.  I invited famous playwright/director/actor/New Orelans native Tyler Perry to be here as my guest tonight, and someone has stolen from him.  That’s why I called you.”

“I am glad to help,” said Encyclopedia.

“And thanks so much for coming on such short notice,” said Chris.  “I know this is a long way from Idaville.”

“Not a problem,” said Encyclopedia.  “My fee is 25 cents an hour, plus expenses.  Speaking of which, my flight was $2700, and my room at the Hilton is $480 per night.  I also had a Mars bar.”

“That’s fine,” replied Chris.  “I only hope you can help us find what’s been stolen.  Here we are, right this way.”

Chris led Encyclopedia into a large, wide open area behind the curtain leading to the main stage, then towards a small, high table in a back corner.  Next to the table stood Tyler Perry.

“Tyler, please meet Encyclopedia Brown,” said Chris.  “He is here to help us track down the thief.”

“Why don’t you start by telling me what happened?” said Encyclopedia.

“Gladly,” said Tyler.  “I was standing here about to enjoy a delicious piece of ice cream cake.  I put it down to answer a phone call from Oprah.  I walked towards the window so I would get better reception.  And when I got off the phone, I remember speaking to a number of people and signing some autographs for a few minutes.  Then when I turned back to pick up my cake, it was gone!”

“I see,” said Encyclopedia.  “Who was the person you spoke to last?”

“Gee, I’m not a big sports fan, so I didn’t really know who most of the people were.  Oh, but I do remember speaking to Lionel Ritchie just before I answered the phone.  We were talking about what it was like to be on Oprah.”

Encyclopedia spotted Lionel, father of superstar Nicole Ritchie, at the other side of the room.

“Okay, thanks,” he said to Tyler.  “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

“I’ll come with you,” said Chris.  “I feel responsible since Tyler is my guest.”

Encyclopedia and Chris walked over to where Lionel stood.  “Excuse me, Mr. Ritchie, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?”

“Sure, kid,” said Lionel.  “What is on your mind?”

“Well, it seems someone has taken something from Tyler Perry.  He mentioned that he was speaking to you around the time it happened.”

“Surely he doesn’t think it was me?” said Lionel in disbelief.  “I never eat dessert.  Besides, I had my hands full holding Kobe Bryant’s ESPYs while he was in the bathroom.  So I couldn’t have taken it.”

“No one is accusing you of anything yet,” said Encyclopedia.  “But did you see anyone else nearby when you and Tyler were talking?”

“Well, now that you mention it, Dwyane Wade was hanging around.  Say, there he is over there.  Why don’t you go talk to him?”

“I think I will,” said Encyclopedia.  “Thank you for your time.”

Encyclopedia and Chris walked over to where Dwyane was standing, and asked him about the missing cake.  “No, I didn’t take it.  But now that you mention it, I think I know who did.”

“Who?” said Chris.

“It was two baseball players.  I don’t know their names, but they play for the Houston Astros.  One of them went up and asked Tyler for his autograph.  The other one snuck around and walked off with a piece of cake on the table.”

“Well, why didn’t you say something about it?” said Chris angrily.

“I guess I didn’t think too much of it at the time,” said Dwyane.  “But that really is a shame.”

“Okay, thank you for your time, Dwyane,” said Encyclopedia. 

“Well,” said Chris.  “I guess we should go check the guest list to see who was here from the Houston Astros.”

“No need,” said Encyclopedia.  “I mean, not unless they have a 2006 NBA Finals MVP trophy.”  He walked over towards Tyler.  “Mr. Perry, the person who stole your ice cream cake was…Dwyane Wade!”

 HOW DID ENCYCLOPEDIA KNOW?

Answer to The Case of the Cake at the ESPYs:

 Tyler gasped.  “Dwyane Wade?  How do you know?”

“Simple,” said Encyclopedia.  “I knew it wasn’t Lionel Ritchie, because as everybody knows, he is lactose intolerant and therefore can’t eat ice cream.”

“Yes, I knew that,” said Tyler.

 ”Me, too,” said Chris.  “It’s common knowledge, no doubt.  But Dwyane said he saw those Astros players take it.”

“Dwyane Wade is lying,” Encyclopedia said.

Dywane Wade had walked over and heard Encyclopedia say this.  “I am not lying,” he said.  “How dare you!”

“I am sorry to say that you are, sir,” said Encyclopedia.

“How can you be so sure?” said Dwyane suspiciously.

“Because you said that you saw a Houston Astros player ask Tyler for his autograph.  But only black people know who Tyler Perry is.  And the Houston Astros have not had any black players in years.”

“That’s right!” said Tyler. “I mention that in my next play, Diary of a Mad Black Sportswriter!  I play Jason Whitlock.”

Dwyane hung his head in shame and sighed.  “Alright, you got me,” he said.  “But I didn’t want to do it.  I had my own piece of ice cream cake, until…”

“Until what?” said Chris, angrily.

“Until Charles Barkley took it from me.  He told me that athletes shouldn’t eat junk food, and that in any event I hadn’t been playing well enough lately to deserve cake.  But I think he just wanted it for himself.”

 

“Wow, just like in the commercials,” said Chris.

“You don’t know the half of it,” said Dwyane.

“Tyler, did you want me to call security?” asked Encyclopedia.

“No, that’s okay,” said Tyler.  “But I would like another piece of cake.”

“Come on,” said Dwyane.  “Let’s go see if there is any left.”

All of a sudden, Charles Barkley stuck his head out from behind the curtain.  “Say, I’ll come with you guys!”

“That’s our Charles!” said Chris, as everyone laughed and headed over to the food table.

“Say, little man,” said Charles to Encyclopedia, as they walked away, ”how would you like to come to The Body Shop club with us, check out some titties?”

 THE END