Once a year, in this frozen wasteland we call Canada, people from all walks of life unite in their shared passion for the greatest sport on earth. From Dildo, Newfoundland to Iqaluit, Nunavut, from Smuts, Saskatchewan to Ochiichagwebabigoining, Ontario, Cannucks put aside their political, cultural and sexual differences in order to pay homage to an annual event that transcends both social divides and the space-time continuum. The frenetic pace of life in the Tundra is restored to a tranquil equilibrium as a nation gathers to honour the Sport of Kings: CURLING! For it is once again the season of the Brier, my friends… The Season of Champions!

For those poor souls who are not familiar with The Brier, for shame! Life without the Brier is simply not a life worth living… Nonetheless, far be it for me to judge those less fortunate than I, for that is anathema to the sacred curling code. Rather, allow me to share the riches of this wonderous sport of curling and its most glorious of tournaments:

The Brier

The Brier (officially known as the “Tim Horton’s Brier”, unofficially known as “Middle-Aged Gay Sex on Ice”) is the annual Canadian men’s curling championship, sanctioned by the Canadian Curling Association (or as we here in the Great White North call it, “CanCuAss”). The first such tournament was held in 1927, when the King of Canada (Lord Percy von Frozenscrotum) convened the finest curlers in all the land to entertain his new mistress, Anne Murray.

The tourament itself consists of 12 teams, one from each province (except for Ontario, which is allowed two entries in recognition of its economic depravity and rampant inbreeding) and one from our beloved Territories (this is no time for a geography lesson, people, so you’ll just have to trust me when I tell you that Canada has both provinces and territories). The teams compete against one another for the ultimate prize, namely the right to represent the Dominion of Canada at the “Big Show” (the World Championships of Curling).

 

The action is fast-paced, with the athletes risking life, limb and household brooms in an all-out battle to the death (sort of). Whether it’s the furious controversy surrounding a “touched stone”, or the high-octane excitement generated by the anticipation of watching the skip throw “the hammer” (and yes, it’s as sexual as it sounds), the Brier is a spectator’s dream. But don’t take my word for it - just ask the Manitoba Curling Association (of 1986):

However, in order to properly enjoy the “Bri” (as it is affectionately known among Canadian schoolchildren and the functionally retarded), you must first appreciate the finer points of curling. That is why we at Food Court Lunch have compiled the following user-friendly guide that will shepherd you through the perilous pitfalls of what has become widely* recognized  as the most exciting sport in the history of mankind [*by white Canadian males bewteen the ages of 55 and 80]. 

The Playing Surface

Curling is played on ice. Ice is cold and slippery. Also, it hurts when you fall. For the love of God, be careful out there. 

The Equipment

Curling involves an impressive array of highly technical equipment (or “stuff”, as it is known in the curling world).  First, every curler must have shoes, or “foot covers”. These can be purchased at a local market, or “store”. One shoe is slippy, the other is grippy. These are technical terms.

Second, curlers require brooms (or a Swiffer), which are used to manipulate the speed and direction of the “rock” (see below) and to keep the locker room neat and tidy (see the locker room). Although teams experimented with the use of vacuums as possible replacements in the late 1970s, this has generally been regarded by curling pundits as “retarded”.

Third, the heart and soul of a curling match is the curling stone or “rock”. While players originally used the frozen heads of Irishmen (or Welshmen, during the Depression), this practice was abandoned in the mid-1990s due to mounting political pressure (largely from the Potato Council of Canada). Today the rocks are manufactured from a local raw material known as “rock”… and sometimes cars.

Polish national curler Kasia Selwand appearing in the 2006 Curling Calendar…
widely regarded as the greatest moment in curling history

The Rules

Contrary to popular belief, curling is a full-contact sport. It is also played in the nude, or sometimes in granny panties and/or grass skirts (known in Canada as “touques”). The object of the game is to place your stones (or “nads”) closest to the “button” (or “vagina”), which is located at the centre of the “house” (or “crotch”). To achieve this, each curler must slide his stone along the ice surface from the squat-thrust position, ensuring that he releases before the “hog-line” (sometimes referred to as the “Rita MacNeil line“).

Once a stone is tossed off, two of the remaining members of the team of four sweep the ice furiously in an effort to guide the stone safely into the house and, hopefully, nestle it up next to the button. In a sense, it’s virtually identical to baseball. In a more accurate sense, it’s not at all like baseball.

 

Scoring in curling, much like scoring a chick who weighs less than a deuce in a bar in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan on a Tuesday night, is exceptionally difficult. Each player has two stones (obviously), such that a team gets 8 rocks off per “end”. The score is tallied at the conclusion of each end, and then multiplied by pi. This number is then multiplied by a factorial of the total number of stones remaining in the “house”, less the number of domestic beers consumed by the skip over the course of the prior 3 ends. In the event of a tie, the skips from each team hurl the stones at one another from ten paces until (a) blood is drawn or (b) consciousness is lost. This is called a “rock off”.

International Curling

While curling is the foremost sport in Canada (due in part to the federal government’s recent imposition of mandatory curling club membership for all citizens and landed immigrants between the ages of 13 and 92), it also has tremendous international appeal. And by “tremendous”, I of course mean limited. And by “international”, I of course mean “not-so-international”…

In fact, only 8 other countries officially recognize “curling” as a sport / activity / word: the United States, Scotland (which has been recognized in Canada as an independent sovereign state since the release of Braveheart in 1995), Norway, Sweden, Switzerland, Denmark, Finland and Japan. East Timor is rumoured to be fielding a team at this year’s World Championships, but this curling fan will believe it when he sees it.

Conclusion

So there you have it, folks - the Greatest Sport on Earth ™. Simply put, curling rocks! Just ask Hammerfall (yes, THE Hammerfall…).

Be sure to tune into the Canadian Broadcasting Company this weekend to watch the provinces’ finest athletes battle it out for the Golden Broom at THE BRIER!! Here’s a taste of last year’s coverage:

Now go get your curl on, and get your rocks off!!