Inside of small warehouse.  Early morning.

Roger Federer: Good-morning-Thierry.  I-would-like-to-exchange-pleasantries.

Thierry Henry: ‘Allo, Ro-jer, ‘ow are you?

Federer: Well-I-am-about-to-make-another-two-hundred-thousand-currency-units-so-I-would-have-to-say-that-I-am-doing-pretty-good.

Both laugh.

Federer: Hu-mour.

Henry: Iz joke.

Federer: Hello-Tiger-Woods.

Tiger Woods walks on set.

Tiger Woods: Feds, how are you, buddy?  High five!

Exchange awkward high five.

Woods: Thierry, how you doing, my man?

Henry: ‘Allo, Ti-gur.

Attempt to exchange high five; Tiger pokes Henry in forehead.

Woods: Oops, sorry about that.

Henry: Iz fine.

A voice speaks from behind a large, sealed booth.  The glass in the booth is one-way so no one can see in.

Voice: Good morning, gentlemen.  Are we ready to get started?

Federer: Affirmative.

Woods: Yeah, let’s get started.  I’ve got a Buick shoot at 2:30, and I have to hit four thousand balls before dinner.

Federer: (to Henry, softly) Thierry-a-query: why-have-we-not-been-allowed-to-engage-with-the-director?  This-is-our-third-commercial-and-he-has-not-once-come-out-from-behind-the-glass.

Henry: I ‘ear he iz a great artiste, Ro-jer, very eccentric.  He does not like to meet ze actors.  He feelz it ‘elps to maintain a creative dis-tans.

Voice: Alright, guys, today we are going to continue on the same theme we’ve been using in the earlier commercials.  Really light, playful.  We want to showcase your personalities, and bring to light the human side of three magnificent champions.

Woods: Sounds good.  What do you want us to do?

Voice: Over in the corner we have some equipment from your respective sports.  We want to get some footage of you guys just hanging out, goofing around.

Woods: Fine.  (walks over to pile) Feds, here’s the racket.  Henry, the soccer ball…

Voice: Actually, we are going to try something a bit different.  To showcase your versatility, we want shots of you trying one of the other guys’ sports .

Federer: Does-not-compute.

Voice: It’s simple, Roger.  Just take a few swings with that golf club.  Thierry, if you could start swinging that tennis racket that would be great.  Tiger, think you could handle the soccer ball?

Woods: Sure, I’ll give it a whirl.

Federer: (swinging golf club) I-am-finding-this-enjoyable.

Voice: (sly) Yes, yes, that’s it.  It’s fun, isn’t it gentlemen?

Henry: Look at me, I am Yannick Noah!

Voice: So would you say you are finding it enjoyable playing with the other guy’s equipment?

Woods: (dribbling ball expertly) I’ll say. 

Voice: (quietly) Got it.

Woods: Say, maybe I picked the wrong sport!

Henry and Federer laugh.

Woods: I wasn’t kidding. (files laughter away for future motivation)

Voice: Alright, gentlemen, time to move on.  After all, this is still a commercial for razors!  Now, to your left you will see we have set up three sinks, each with shaving cream and a Gillette Fusion razor.  Each of you take a sink.

Federer: But-I-have-already-completed-my-shaving-function-for-today.

Voice: It’s okay, Roger, the blades are capped.  We just need you to mimic it.  Alright, to the sinks!

They walk over to the sinks, and grab the razors.

Voice: Um, hate to be a bother, guys, but do you shave with your shirts on at home?

Woods: Uh, no?

Voice: Well, then we don’t want you doing it in the commercial, do we?

Woods: You want us to take our shirts off?

Voice: Absolutely.  It’s crucial for the, uh…realism.  Yeah, the realism.  Besides, there are a lot of women who buy razors for their husbands or boyfriends, and it doesn’t hurt sales if they can take a gander at those chiseled physiques of yours, does it?

Henry: (shirt already off) Iz fine wif me.

Woods: Whatever, let’s just do this.

Woods and Federer remove shirts.

Woods: That’s a sweet tat, Feds.

Federer: Depending-on-how-you-look-at-it, it-could-either-be-a-young-girl-or-an-old-woman.

Voice: Alright, a little less chatter, guys.  Time is money.  Now, the sinks are full of warm water, so we want you to prepare like you will actually be shaving. 

Henry: Zis iz fun.

Voice: That’s the spirit, Thierry.  Now, splash each other with the water a little.

Woods: Excuse me?

Voice: Just playfully splash water at each other.

Woods: Why?

Voice: To show some personality!  You know, just guys hanging out, having fun shaving together.

Woods: I don’t know any guys that do that.

Voice: Well, I know lots of guys that do, okay?  And last time I checked, I am the one directing this commercial. 

Woods: I don’t know…

Voice: (sighs)  Listen, Tiger, I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but I was talking to your agent, and he suggested to me that this commercial might be a good way for you to show off your human side a bit, you know?  Maybe come across a little less…rigid?

Woods: Steinberg said that?

Voice: Yeah, yeah, Steinman.  It’s just that…it wouldn’t hurt if you showed people that you didn’t take yourself so seriously all the time, if you follow me.

Woods: (sighs, shakes head) Okay, whatever.

Henry: Hey, Ti-gur, I hear zat cats do not like to get wet. (splashes Tiger with water)

Woods: Gah!  Oh, that’s it.  You’re in trouble now, bud.

Woods splashes a large amount of water at Henry.

Henry: Oh-ho-ho, you get me good!

All three begin laughing as they splash water at one another.

Federer: I-am-enjoying-this-spontaneous-display-of-exuberance.

Voice: (sly) Good.  Very good.  Let it all hang out, fellas.

Henry: (laughing excitedly) Enough!  Enough!  Iz too much fun!

Woods: I dominated that.  And I have to admit, it was kind of fun.  Alright, what’s next?

Voice: Great work guys.  Now, it’s time to start showing off the Fusion’s extreme shaving power!  

Federer: I-am-out-of-water.

Henry: As am I.

Voice: Actually, that’s even better.  Tiger, share your sink with Roger and Thierry.

Woods: What?  Why can’t we just get more water?

Voice: Because we don’t have any more water.  Now share your sink!

Federer and Henry walk over to Woods’ sink.

Voice: Good.  Now, apply the shaving cream.

All three put shaving cream on their face.

Voice: That’s it.  Now, we want each of you shaving in unison.  So, everyone, grab your capped razors with your left hand, and start with one stroke on your left cheek.  All together now.

All three bring capped razor once over their cheek.

Voice: Alright, another stroke on the left cheek.  Try to do it in unison now.

All repeat.

Voice:  Excellent.  Now, Henry, I want you to turn towards Tiger.  That’s it.  Now…shave his right cheek.

Woods: WHAT?

Henry: Excusez-moi?

Voice:  It’s very simple.  Just one simple stroke on his right cheek.

Woods: No WAY!  Look, this is getting ridiculous, he is not shaving my…

Voice: No, you LOOK!  You are getting paid a lot of money to do this commercial, and I am getting paid a lot of money to set its creative direction.  I want it to be silly and light-hearted and fun, and you are being very difficult! (sighs)  Tiger, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but do you know who Saturday Night Live has asked to host its season finale?

Woods: What the heck are you talking…

Voice: PHIL MICKELSON, that’s who!

Woods: What?  No way. 

Voice: Oh, that’s right.  For the first time ever, a golfer will host that show, and they have chosen Phil Mickelson over you.  And do you know why?

Woods: (stern) Why?

Voice: Because he has a personality, Tiger.  People relate to him.  And they relate to him because he is not afraid to look silly.  I mean, have you seen how tight his shirts are?  A man that big?  And the way he smiles and nods all the time?  He’s just a big goof!

Woods: But he’s only won three majors! 

Voice: Winning is only half of it!  Don’t you see?  You’ve got to show people you are more human than machine.

Federer: That-is-a-logical-statement-Tiger.  You-do-seem-to-possess-certain-robotic-characteristics.

Woods: (glares at Federer)

Voice: Listen to Roger, Tiger.  Show the world you have a sense of humour.  Let Thierry shave you.

Woods: (clenches teeth) Alright, fine.  But once we do this I am out of here.

Voice: That’s fine, we’re almost done.  Okay, Thierry, grab your razor.

Henry apprehensively lifts razor.

Voice: Now…slowly.

Henry approaches Woods with the razor.  Woods stares straight ahead, a very serious expression on his face.  Henry, concentrating, shaves once over Woods’ cheek.

Voice: Good stuff.  Now Tiger, you do the same to Roger.

Woods: (glares at booth)

Voice: Do you want to host SNL one day or not?

Woods: Let’s get it over with.

Federer: Be-careful-I-am-ticklish.

Woods shaves once over Federer’s cheek.

Voice: Okay, Roger.  You do Henry.

Federer makes one stroke on Henry’s cheek.

Voice: Great.  Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?  We’re almost done, I just need you to do one more thing.  Tiger, please sit in that chair over there.

Woods: I thought you said we were done?

Voice: Two minutes.  Just sit down in the chair, please.

Woods sits down.

Voice: Great.  Now Thierry and Roger, stand behind Tiger.  Face the booth please.

Henry and Federer move behind Woods.

Voice: Perfect.  Now, I just want you two to start rubbing his shoulders a little…

Woods: Alright, that’s ENOUGH!  Just who the hell are you, freak?

Voice: You never mind who I am!  I am the DIRECTOR, okay?  This is MY SHOOT!

Woods: Not anymore it isn’t.  Champions - weapons!

Instantaneously, Henry grabs the soccer ball, Woods grabs the driver and sets up a ball and tee, and Federer grabs the racket and pulls a tennis ball from his pocket.

Woods: Positions!

Henry, Woods and Federer line up beside each other.

Woods: FIRE!

All three fire their balls at the booth.  The glass shatters with a very loud crash.

Voice: GAHHHHHHHHH!

Woods: Now to find out who you are!

All three run over to the booth, and see a small, dark haired man huddled in the corner.

Woods: (gasps) GARY BETTMAN!

 

Federer: Who? 

Henry: (shrugs shoulders) 

Gary Bettman: Please…don’t hurt me! 

Woods: What…what is going on here?  (picks Bettman up)  Speak!

Bettman: Please, please.  I’m sorry.  I had no other choice.

Woods: What are you talking about?

Bettman: I had to do it…to save my sport.

Woods: What?  What does any of this have to do with ice hockey?

Bettman: It has everything to do with ice hockey!  And we just call it “hockey”.  

Woods: (raises Bettman higher) You better start making sense. 

Bettman: Have you seen our ratings lately?  Most people in the U.S. don’t even know that we still have a league, let alone what channel to find us on.  Lockouts, bankrupt franchises, moronic expansions - all on my watch!

Woods: So?

Bettman: So?  Our popularity is so low, we’ve fallen behind golf.  GOLF!  And I’m hearing projections that it’s only a matter of time before we are less popular than tennis and soccer, too.

Woods: I still don’t see what that has to do with making us shave each other in a commercial.

Bettman: Don’t you see?  No matter how hard I try, I can’t make my sport better. I just end up making it worse.  So I thought if I can’t build my sport up…

Woods: …you’d try to tear other sports down.

Bettman: Exactly.  And what better way to damage a sport than by showing the world, in an internationally-broadcast commercial, that its three biggest stars are, shall we say, good with colours?  Footloose and fancy free?  Puddle-jumpers?  Do you follow me?

Henry: Oh, Ga-ree.  Zat iz just sad.

Bettman: (sobbing) I know, I know. 

Woods: Wait.  So does this mean Mickelson isn’t hosting SNL?

Bettman: (snaps)  OF COURSE NOT! 

Woods: Well…good. 

Bettman: But it almost worked, didn’t it?  I mean, I got you saying you liked playing with another guy’s equipment and shaving each other on film!  That has to count for something!

Federer: (examining video camera in booth)  This-camera-has-no-film-in-it.

Bettman: Whaa…?  Let me see that.  (wrestles away from Woods and hurries over to camera)  Gaaaaaaaaaahhhhh! (collapses to floor, sobbing)  I’m useless.  Useless!  Every single hockey writer, player and fan was right!

Woods: (sighs) Come on, guys, let’s get out of here.

Bettman: (wails of agony) I put a team in Nashville.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Woods, Henry and Federer start to walk away.

Federer: Do-we-still-get-our-currency-units?

Woods: We’ll see, Feds. 

Henry: Wait, I am still confused.  Why would a company like Jee-lette ‘ire a hockey commission-aire to feelm its commercials? 

Woods: Some other time, Thierry.  Some other time.