If they did, why would they be peddling crappy basketballs to you?

We here at Food Court Lunch have been combing through our old comic books to see what interesting stuff is in them (beyond Sea Monkeys and Charles Atlas, of course). Today, a late 1970’s Spalding Basketball ad with Rick Barry (former Golden State great and father of Jon and Brent) and Julius “Dr. J” Irving (former ABA and Sixer great and father of…I don’t know, um, what’s-her-face… Alexandra Stevenson).

I’m absolutely terrible at basketball, and even I know that rubber basketballs stink in comparison to leather ones. I guess it didn’t really matter to the nerds who were reading the comic book with this ad in it in 1977. It would be the only rubber they would be touching until they finally mustered up the courage to hire a prostitute after the college singles scene didn’t pan out as expected.

What is particularly awkward about this ad is the grown male pro basketball players repeatedly making vaguely homoerotic comments to the boys on the playground. I too find those vinyl balls too slick, Rick, but I also find your reference to slick balls in front of the pre-pubescents a mite disconcerting. A “Rubber Cover You Can Really Get A Grip On”? Thank you, Lord NAMBLA. My heart aches for Brent and Jon. And you too, Dr. J…you keep your comments about “ball handling” and the “sure-handed feel” to yourself. If the “Spalding Touch” happens to take place in the back of your van after a few sips of “Jesus Juice”, I don’t want to hear about it. Also, if you are so keen about rubber, Julius, why didn’t you wear one with Alexandra’s mom?

It is more than likely that this advertisement is a translation of a foreign ad for Spalding. This is because it is extremely doubtful that any North American child has ever uttered the phrases “What Moves!”, “He Plays Up In The Lights”, or “What A Magic Touch!”. Either rubber basketballs are huge in Lithuania, or Spalding made the poor choice of enlisting the Czech Brothers to write their ad copy.

What is particularly impressive about this ad is that it completely embodies basketball’s racial stereotypes. Dr. J: spectacular athletic dunk. Rick Barry: stationary three-pointer. It could only be worse if they had Barry diving for a loose ball as a “hustle play“.

Maybe I am being a bit too hard on Spalding. They do have some fabulous basketball celebrities endorsing their products: Rick Barry, Dr. J., “Pistol” Pete Maravich, Wilt Chamberlain, Ernie D….sorry, who? Who the hell is Ernie D.? Ah, it’s Ernie DiGregorio, former NBA rookie of the year (1973), who parlayed that honour into a spectacularly pedestrian and mediocre career.

Hmm, an overrated white rookie who gets endorsement deals he probably hasn’t earned. That’s never happened before.

We hope you enjoyed a glimpse into the cartoon world of sweater-vested street ballers. Come back next time when Johnny Unitas will be showing you kids how to kill.