A critical look into the day’s top headlines

Jackson’s Neverland Ranch may go to the highest bidder; NAMBLA announces ambitious plan for Theme Park

Imagine you’re the real estate agent trying to sell Neverland ranch.  “Now, this is the master bedroom, with all of the comforts you can imagine.  What’s that? No, I’m not sure what that’s for.  And you probably don’t want to be touching that either.”

Islanders shocked by child abuse claims; Possible playoffs implications?

Note to self: When a reporter asks you about allegations of child abuse, you should always say you’re shocked.  Otherwise, you can bet there’s going to be more questions and more reporters.  (And yes, I know this headline is about abuse on Jersey Island, and does not in fact involved the New York Islanders.  But I’m still pretty certain that Alexei Yashin was involved.)

Health Minister ‘seriously considering’ diaper test; Declares moratorium on Human Dignity

I’m no political analyst, but I’d say Mr. Smitherman is in serious danger of angering the only people who actually vote in general elections in Canada.  On the plus side: less shit-stained Sansabelt slacks.

Fletcher has no miracle cures for Leafs; is confused by “newfangled free agency system”

Leafs fans are already beginning to recognize the first signs of senility: Confusing “5th round draft pick” with “5th overall draft pick”.

Eskimo village sues Big Oil over Global Warming; Faces countersuit for “Impeding Oil Production”

You’ve got to admire those plucky eskimo lawyers.  Throwing caution to the wind and taking on Exxon’s legal team!  I hope they’re ready for motion-to-dismiss after soul-crushing motion-to-dismiss.  It’s enough to drive an eskimo to drink!

$50 Million loss to Toronto economy from cancellation of Steelback Grand Prix; Toronto officially turns its back on Shitty Beer

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Frank D’Angelo was the heart and soul of Steelback.  With him gone, it was only a matter of time before the Grand Prix picked up and left as well.

Treasure hunters dig for Hitler’s gold; Geraldo en route

Nazi Gold(tm): The perfect accompaniment to that blood diamond you bought your wife with drug money.

Snake eats family dog as children watch; Parents mobilize for a lifetime of psychotherapeutic treatments

I’m not sure, but I think watching your childhood pet be devoured whole by a snake may hinder your chances of growing up to be a normally functioning human being.

Spice Girls end tour in Toronto; Pussy Cat Dolls: “We thought so.”

Nuff said.