Mon 25 Feb 2008
Inside Segway dealership. Michael Buffer stands at counter.
Michael Buffer:…and I want the hubcaps to be black, with a streak of silver.
Sales rep: Alright, sir.
Michael: Actually, instead of a silver streak, I want it to say “The Buff”. In that fancy calligraphy style? You know the one I mean?
Sales rep: Sure do. That won’t be a problem.
Michael: (contented smile) Excellent.
Approaching sound of an electric motor.
Voice: Heh-heh-heeeeyyyy, bro!
Michael: What the…?
Bruce Buffer wheels up to counter on a Segway.
Bruce Buffer: What do you think of mah new ride? (deep, exaggerated voice) Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ty sweet, isn’t it?
Michael: Oh, for the love of…Bruce, what are you doing here?
Bruce: Just pickin’ up my new ‘Gway, brah! Did you see the hubcaps? They say “Ridin’ the Buff”. Get it? Ride in the…
Michael: I get it, Bruce! But I’M here ordering MY new Segway!
Bruce: Cool. The more the merrier, I always say.
Michael: No, not cool, Bruce. I told you last week I was getting a Segway!
Bruce: You did? Well, that’s probably where I got the idea, then, ain’t it? When is yours going to be ready? We’ll take these babies out for a spin. Scope out some young honies, maybe grab some mojitos…
Michael: (yells) NO!
Michael: (to sales rep) Will you excuse us for a second?
Sales rep: Sure. Just let me know when you’re ready. (rolls eyes at Bruce as he walks away)
Bruce: What’s her problem?
Michael: He’s not the problem, Bruce. You are.
Bruce: Jeez. What crawled up your butt today?
Michael: It’s not just today, Bruce.
Bruce: Look, if it’s about the Segway, man, I’m sorry. If I knew it would be such a big deal…
Michael: No, it’s not the Segway, Bruce. Don’t you get it?
Bruce: Get what?
Michael: I take Bikram Yoga lessons, then you take Bikram Yoga lessons. I get mirrored ceilings in my bedroom, you do the same thing. I get pec implants…
Michael: So? Don’t you see a pattern here?
Bruce: (pauses) I’m not sure I like what you’re implying.
Michael: I’m not implying anything, Bruce. I’m stating a fact. You copy everything I do!
Bruce: (incredulous) Wh-huh-huh-huh-ut? I do no such thing!
Michael: Come on, Bruce. Look at what you do for a living!
Bruce: (gasps) What are you saying?
Michael: You’re a ring announcer!
Bruce: Yeah – for UFC. Last time I checked, UFC and boxing were different sports.
Michael: Oh, come on now.
Bruce: No, you come on. Next thing you’ll be saying we have similar catch phrases.
Michael: We do have similar catch phrases!
Bruce: What?!? You’re crazy! Are you telling me that “iiiiiiiiiiittttttt’s time for the main event of the evening” is the same thing as “let’s get ready to rumble”?
Michael: It’s the way you say it!
Bruce: The way I say it? We’re half-brothers, Mike. I can’t help it if we have the same voice.
Michael: Okay, fine. But where did you get the idea for a catch phrase in the first place?
Bruce: From my industry hero.
Michael: Oh, and who might that have been?
Bruce: Howard Finkel.
Michael: Really? Do tell then, Bruce, what was Howard Finkel’s catch phrase?
Bruce: You know…(quiet, unsure voice) “Bodyslams and Christmas…hams…we’ve got a fight, fight, fight tonight…”
Bruce: No, you are nonsense, Michael! So…so I copy everything you do, do I? Well, did I fight in the Vietnam War?
Michael: You were six years old!
Bruce: Semantics. Did I propose to my girlfriend on The Tonight Show?
Michael: You don’t have a girlfriend!
Bruce: Correction. I don’t have a girlfriend yet. And tell me, did I ever get into male modelling?
Michael: (pauses) Uh…
Bruce: No, I didn’t. So you can take your ‘copy everything you do’ b.s. and SHOVE IT! (gets on Segway, begins to wheel away)
Michael: (deep sigh) Bruce.
Michael: C’mon, Bruce, come back here.
Michael: Look, I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did, okay. It’s just…
Bruce: (tearing up) It’s just what?
Michael: It’s just…look, I love you, Bruce, and I’d do anything for you. But sometimes a guy needs his own things, you know? And I worry about you. I mean, you’re over fifty years old. Don’t you think it’s time you started finding your own identity?
Bruce: Jeez, don’t you think I would love to, Mike?
Bruce: Did you ever think about how hard it is for me being Michael Buffer’s little brother? Michael Buffer, the “Golden Deep Throat”? Michael Buffer, who has been in Rocky V, Rocky Balboa AND Play it to the Bone? And what I have ever been in? An episode of Friends? Well, I got news for you, Mikey. Friends sucks!¸
Bruce: No matter what I do, I am always going to be known as Michael Buffer’s younger brother. I guess somewhere along the way, I just figured…why keep fighting it?
Michael: I…I guess I never thought about that.
Bruce: Yeah, well (wiping nose with sleeve)…you cast a pretty long shadow, bro.
Michael: Bruce…I’m sorry. It’s just that…I’m not used to having people look up to me. I mean, everywhere I go, I’ve got people yelling at me, (deep, exaggerated voice) “lllllllllllllllllllllllllllleeetttt’s get ready to suck iiiiiiittttttt!” My ex-wives call me a one-trick pony, my current mistress won’t even call me…so I never thought that…that…
Bruce: That what, Mike?
Michael: That there is someone out there…who thinks that there might actually be part of me…(bites knuckle, high voice) that’s worth a damn! (sobs)
Bruce: Mikey, Mikey! (climbs off Segway) I think you’re worth a whole assload of damns. You know the real reason I copied you so much? It was because…I wanted to be just like you, brah!
Michael: (wipes eyes) You mean it?
Bruce: If I didn’t, why would I get your face tattooed on my back?
Michael: Thanks, Bruce.
Bruce: Buff hug?
Michael: Buff hug.
Michael: Say, you want to go to that little hot oil massage place we like so much…together?
Bruce: (deep, exaggerated voice) Lllllllllllllllllllllllleeeeetttttt’s get ready for a full releeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaassssssseeeeee!
(They laugh, start to walk away)
Sales rep: Mr. Buffer! Mr. Buffer! You didn’t finish giving me the specs for your Segway.
Michael: Oh, right. (pauses, gestures to Bruce) Make it look just like his.
Sales rep: Yes sir.
(Michael and Bruce walk off, arms around each other, laughing)
Sales rep: (smiles, shakes head) Weird.