As our three loyal readers are all too aware, the investigative journalism juggernaut that is the Food Court Lunch news team never shies away from controversy (or fat chicks). We leave no stone unturned in our tireless search for the truth. Unfortunately, this thankless task often means that we are also the bearers of bad news. Sadly, my friends, this is one such occasion.

Last evening I was watching wrestling in my parents’ basement, as I have done religiously for the past 2 decades, when I noticed that the recipient of a particularly formidable flying thrust kick fell to the mat slightly in advance of the inevitable physical contact that was hurtling toward him. Initially I assumed that this was merely a clever ploy on his part, designed to lure his opponent into a false sense of security (and potentially a pre-mature victory celebration involving an elaborate end-zone dance). I soon realized that this assumption was flawed, however, as the “injured” party continued to writhe on the mat in what I now believe to be feigned agony. Words could not express my disappointment.

As I sat on my beanbag chair, struggling to come to terms with this disheartening display, I started to wonder: why is it that every other professional sport has been forced to endure some manner of controversy over the years, but professional wrestling has remained untainted? I had always assumed that this was due to the fact that the drug testing policies of the WCWs, WWEs and even the ECWs of the world were so rigid and strictly enforced that such leagues were impervious to the dreaded steroid scourge (bearing in mind that the Honourable Vincent P. McMahon was acquitted on those pesky roid charges in 1993…). Moreover, the stoic professionalism that underpins the world of professional wrestling simply does not abide controversy. In the words of the epic poet Homer (Simpson), they do not go in for those backdoor shenanigans. Or so I thought…

As I began to peruse my (impressive) collection of Wrestlemania VHS and Beta tapes (which, I must say, has served me well with the ladies over the years… very well), other disconcerting questions came to light. For example, why did the guy without a nickname and wearing the blue speedos always lose? Was it the same reason that the “new guy” assigned to the away team on Star Trek never made it back to the Enterprise? Moreover, how did the athletes continually manage to get furniture, vehicles, weapons and even coffins into the ring, unbeknownst to the refs? All of these items struck me as being contrary to the rules of “fair play” upon which the wrestling community is so firmly grounded… Confronted with these unsettling questions, I was forced to consider the very real possibility that professional wrestling is not as “authentic” as it appears at first blush.

Already I can hear the cries of disbelief and outrage at this very suggestion, and rest assured that I too was devastated by the very possibility that I had been deceived. It was for this very reason that I decided to scour the annals [apparently pronounced “anne-uhls”] of professional wrestling in order to definitively determine whether or not this beloved sport has been marred by the spectre of disingenuousness. My results are below:

Exhibit “A”:

Exhibit “B”:

Exhibit “C”:

Exhibit “D”:

Exhibit “E”:

Exhibit “F”:

Exhibit “G”:

(nothing fake here…)

In conclusion, as evidenced by the foregoing, there is no basis whatsoever to suggest that wrestling is in any way “fake” or otherwise staged. Take it from this guy: