Rumour has it that a loud, fat, balding and boorish ESPN on-air personality has some issues concerning pain-killers — who could it be?

No, he doesn’t work for ESPN anymore. It’s Chris Berman.

What’s that? Rumour, conjecture and innuendo don’t suffice for you? This is a blog, folks. Rumour, conjecture and innuendo are what we trade in. Not good enough? Fine. Fine. See below:

That’s right — Chris Berman: Drug Mule.

That’s Tom Jackson’s hand, you know.

As the always classy and humourous ESPN anchor discusses in the video above, Canada is a perfect place to pick up codeine-packed pain medication (e.g. Tylenol 222s) over the counter. Unfortunately, this has led to individuals such as Berman smuggling said pills across the border to the United States, where medication of that strength requires a prescription. Berman is not the only ESPN personality who has tried to smuggle these “deux-deux-deuxs” (or 222’s) into the U.S.A. Food Court Lunch, with its close ties to border security personnel, has managed to get a hold of transcripts from the border crossings of other current and former ESPN on-air personalities. Not all of them met with the same smuggling success as Chris Berman did.

SEAN SALISBURY

Customs & Immigration Official - Good evening, sir. Welcome to the United States of America. Do you have anything to declare?

Salisbury - [Giggles]

CIO - Sir?

Salisbury - Hmm, I don’t know. Let me think long and hard about it….[giggles]

CIO - Sir, I asked you, do you have anything to declare?

Salisbury - Let me try to re-member…[giggles]

CIO - There are people behind you in line. Please answer the question.

Salisbury - Come to think of it, I don’t have anything to declare. [snickers]

CIO - OK, can I see some identification, please?

Salisbury - [Stifles giggling] Ummm, you need to look at my passport? [Winks awkwardly at person behind him in line.]

CIO - Yes, I do.

Salisbury - Here you go. [Hands over passport. Tries to stifle giggling again]

CIO - Thanks, sir. [Examines passport]

Salisbury - I suggest that you look long and hard at my passport photo…[giggles]…to make sure it’s me.

CIO - Okay, then. So you have been in Canada for approximately seven…[stares at passport]

Salisbury - Pretty good headshot, huh?

CIO - Mr. Salisbury….is that a photo of your penis?

Salisbury - [Bursts out in uncontrollable laughter]

CIO - Security! Security! Take this pervert away!

Salisbury - Oh, man, you looked at a picture of my dick! That’s awesome! That’s so awesome! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[Security approaches. Salisbury stops laughing]

What? Security? Oh, come on! Loosen the fuck up. It’s just a fucking joke. What are you, a faggot? Listen, you cryptkeeper-looking motherfucker, I am an American citizen. Don’t you know who I am?

[Continues yelling while being dragged away by security]

Chill out, bros, chill out. Seriously, let me go. Take one of these 222’s I have hidden in my underwear and just relax, guys. OK? OK? Oh, you’re strip searching me now? Better call in the lady security guards — they are going to want to see this.

***

DANA JACOBSON

Customs & Immigration Official - Good evening, ma’am. Welcome to the United States of America. Do you have anything to declare?

Jacobson - What? [Takes deep swig from bottle of Grey Goose]

CIO - Do you have anything to declare?

Jacobson - You Catholic?

CIO - Excuse me?

Jacobson - You heard me. You Catholic?

CIO - Well, yes, in fact, I am Catholic, but I don’t see how that…

Jacobson - FUCK YOU!!!!

CIO - What?

Jacobson - That’s right! FUCK YOU, TOUCHDOWN JESUS!!! [Takes a swig of vodka, sprays it in the face of customs official]

CIO - Ma’am, I am calling security. SECURITY!!!

Jacobson - Security? This is a roast, motherfucker! A roast! I be roasting you!!! Don’t need no security. [Takes a swig of vodka, urinates]

CIO - This is international customs, ma’am. Please stop urinating. I have to work here. SECURITY!

Jacobson - You one of the Mikes, right? Man, I sure am making the crowd laugh.

CIO - It’s not a crowd, ma’am, it’s your fellow passengers. They are not laughing. In fact, that little girl is crying. Please stand up. SECURITY!!! You are falling into your own urine, ma’am.

Jacobson - C’mon, baby. Don’t you call security — we be roasting together. In fact, I got 2-2-2 good reasons why you shouldn’t call security. [Downs entire bottle of Tylenol, washes down with vodka]

CIO - SECURITY…ma’am?

Jacobson - We be roasting. Roasting…[drops bottle, eyes roll back into head]

CIO - PARAMEDICS!!!

***

EMMITT SMITH

Customs & Immigration Official - Good evening, sir. Welcome to the United States of America. Do you have anything to declare?

Smith - No, I do not. And I always tell the truth to people from Croutons and Integration.

CIO - Excuse me?

Smith - Custard and intubation?

CIO - What?

Smith - Coupons and imitation?

CIO - Sir, are you high?

Smith - Curtains and Rhythm Nation?

CIO - SECURITY! We have another drunk one. Put him next to that Jacobsen woman.

***

MICHAEL IRVIN

Customs & Immigration Official - Good evening, sir. Welcome to the United States of America. Do you have anything to declare? Oh, hey, it’s you. Hi, Michael!

Irvin - David, my man. How are things?

CIO - Good, good, Michael. Things are really good. I haven’t seen you in a while. Congrats on making it to the Hall of Fame.

Irvin - Thanks, David. Much appreciated. How are the wife and kids?

CIO - Never better, Michael. The wife and I are going on a second honeymoon next month. Aruba.

Irvin - Aruba? Never been there. Sounds nice, though.

CIO - We are really looking forward to it. So, Michael, bringing drugs into the country?

Irvin - You bet, David. My whole suitcase is full of 222’s. My carry-on’s got the cocaine. [Pause] AWWWW, SHIT!!! You got me, David!!!!

[They both laugh]

CIO - Sure did, Michael. Alright, then, you know where security is. Just walk yourself over there and they can get started. You know how to assume the position, right?

Irvin - Like the back of my hand — or more like the back of Jim’s finger!!!

[They both laugh]

CIO - Okay, then. Good seeing you, Mike.

Irvin - You too, Dave.

***

DICK VITALE

Customs & Immigration Official - Good evening, sir. Welcome to the United States of America. Do you have anything to declare?

Vitale - OH, YEAH, BABY, I HAVE TO DECLARE THAT I AM GLAD TO BE BACK IN THE GOOD OLD U-S-OF-A!!!

CIO - Sir, there is no need to yell.

Vitale - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I’M DICK VITALE, BABY!!! THIS IS THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES!!!

CIO - Sir, I have no idea what you are talking about. If you don’t pipe down, I am calling security.

Vitale - YOU DON’T LIKE MY VOICE? WELL, I THINK IT’S AWESOME, BABY!!! AWESOME!!!

CIO - Jesus Christ, shut up right now or you are getting arrested.

Vitale - ARRESTED WITH A CAPITAL “A”, BABY!!!

CIO - Done and done. Enjoy the anal cavity search, smart guy.

Vitale - I AM GOING TO BE A DIAPER DANDY!!!

***

STEPHEN A. SMITH

Customs & Immigration Official - Good evening, sir. Welcome to the United States of America. Do you have anything to declare?

Smith - TO DECLARE? QUITE FRANKLY, YES, I DO. I DECLARE THAT I LOVE THESE CHEESE DOODLES THAT I AM EATING.

CIO - Oh, another smart guy? Security, put him next to Mr. Shouty-pants back there.

***

STUART SCOTT

Customs & Immigration Official - Good evening, sir. Welcome to the United States of America. Do you have anything to declare?

Scott - No, sir.

CIO - Can I please see your passport?

Scott - Sure thing.

CIO - [Examines passport] Say, your name’s Stuart Scott.

Scott - Sure is.

CIO - From ESPN?

Scott - Yup.

CIO - Wow. Say “boo-yah”!

Scott - Do I have to…?

CIO - Seriously. Say “boo-yah”!

Scott - Umm….boo-yah!

CIO - Yeah, that confirmed it. I hate you on SportsCenter. You fucking well ruined that show. SECURITY!!!!

***

That’s a pretty low success rate, folks. Looks like it falls on Chris Berman to get the goods for everyone at the World Wide Leader. Don’t worry, though. Like a true drug mule, all you need is a big enough asshole, and that is exactly what ESPN has.

(Thanks to College Humour for the video link)