Let’s face it - life can be confusing. Every day presents a new challenge:

“Should I quit my job?” “Will I wear underwear today (and if so, will it be clean)?” “How do I dispose of that dead hooker in my trunk?” “How did she get there, anyway?” “Does God exist?” “If so, does he/she watch me when I shower?” “Why is Paris Hilton famous?” “Does she have a lazy eye, or is that just her ‘blue steel’ look?”

Fortunately, there is an easily accessible handbook for life: “pop” music. Though often dismissed as insipid and exploitative, this veritable hotbed of moral wisdom provides us with the tools to answer virtually any problem that life throws in our path. 

To illustrate this very point, the Food Court Lunch Contemporary Music & Art Division has compiled the following list of life lessons, as conveyed through some of the worst lyrics in music history. Enjoy!

1. Courtship (R. Kelly) -Love is a magical mystery. Does she really like me for me? Is three dates too soon for anal? How do I tell her how I really feel? Here’s how - you take a lesson from the master of love (and urination), R. Kelly. You break it down, nice and simple, and draw on the things you know (like automotive care):

You remind me of something
I just can’t think of what it is
You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it
Something like my sound, I wanna pump it
Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it

That’s right, baby - you remind him of his jeep. It’s a 1992 YJ, with roll bars and everything. You look exactly like it.

2.  Pet Care (The Scorpions) - owning a pet can be a trying ordeal at times. Whether you are dealing with an albino turtle or an aged dog, pets are an enormous responsibility. Just ask Michael Vick. But how does one go about caring for a pet? Well, my friends, look no further than the sons of Germany, The Scorpions, whose anthem “Rock You Like A Hurricane” provides ample insight into this pet care quagmire:

The bitch is hungry
She needs to tell
So give her inches
And feed her well

It’s that simple, folks. As the song suggests (or so I assume), simply feed your lovable canine several inches of dry or wet food daily, and you’re guaranteed to please man’s best friend. Thank you, Klaus Meine. 

3. Investment Advice (P.Diddy, nee Puff Daddy) - Who among us has not wondered how best to invest our hard-earned money? Am I really getting the best interest rate from my financial institution? Should I invest in the money markets, or go with long-term bonds? According to Sean “P Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, Stay Puff” Combs, the answer is none of the above. As he explains in “Can’t Nobody Hold Us Down”, the best thing to do is keep your funds liquid and close at hand:

Young, black, and famous,
With money hangin out the anus

While this financial advice may seem somewhat unorthodox at first, remember that P. is streetwise. He knows that the last place a mugger will search for cash is the interior of one’s anal cavity (trust me). Clever, Mr. Combs, very clever.

4. Negotiaton (Limp Bizkit) - Life is a constant give and take. The question becomes how to balance the giving and the taking. The key is to clearly set out your position, define your motivation and the sacrifices you’re willing to make, and then convey suggestions as to how the other party should respond. This is a lesson that I learned long ago from Mr. Durst’s “Nookie” lyrics, and it applies as much today as it did when I wore a red baseball cap and staged phoney arrests in my music videos:

I did it all for the nookie (come on) the nookie (come on)
So you can take that cookie and stick it up your (yeah)
Stick it up your (yeah) stick it up your (yeah)
Stick it up your

  

5. Culinary Arts (Def Leppard) - Everyone should know how to cook - it’s as simple as that. But who has the time to learn? Well, my friends, all you need to do is pick up the single of Def Leppard’s subtly-named “Let Me Put My Love Into You”, and you’re on your way to baking cakes (apparently). Here is the easy-to-follow recipe:

Let me put my love into you babe.
Let me put my love on the line.
Let me put my love into you babe.
Let me cut your cake with my knife.

 

6. Science (Mims) - Do you ever feel as though your knowledge of hard science just isn’t what it should be? Do you have trouble wrapping your mind around thermal properties? Join the club. But do you know who can help? Mims can. Just take a listen to his lesson on temperature differentiation, aptly entitled “This Is Why I’m Hot”: 

This is why I’m hot, this is why I’m hot, this is why, this is why,this is why, I’m hot.  
This is why I’m hot, this is why I’m hot, this is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot. 
I’m hot cuz I’m fly, you ain’t cuz you not; this is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.
I’m hot cuz I’m fly, you ain’t cuz you not; this is why, this is why, this is why I’m  hot. 

 

7. Fashion (LFO) - Do you know who the best people are to give out fashion advice? Musicians. And do you know who the best-dressed musicians are? Boy bands. And do you know what the greatest boy band of all time is? LFO. Why? Listen:

New Kids On The Block, had a bunch of hits
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch

Me too, LFO, me too. You know what else I like? Talentless hacks who plug major brand names into their lyrics in the hopes of selling their songs as commercial jingles. I can’t wait for your next album, “AFLAC is the Shiznit”.