by the Condescending Moron

ENOUGH!

Usually I try to keep things light and breezy around these parts, but lately something has really been eating my goat.  This particular subject has always been a pet peeve of mine, but I had actually convinced myself that it had gone away.  That is, until I read this story on “news” website wltx.com.

Oh really, WLTX?  Sasquatch?  On Mars?  Has it actually come to this?

This whole thing is just getting ridiculous, so I’m here to put my foot down.  In other words, that’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!*

IT’S TIME TO CALL OFF THE SEARCH FOR SASQUATCH!

Face it, this nonsense has been going on for way too long.  And where has it gotten us?  Nowhere, that’s where.  In the God-knows-how-many years people have been looking for this “creature”, the above photo, taken in the late 1960s, is the best proof we have been able to come up with? 

As Kenny Rogers said, “you’ve got to know when to fold up shop.”  And that time has come.  I am calling for an immediate halt to all ongoing and planned Sasquatch locating expeditions.  And I am doing so for the following reasons.

1. Wasted Resources

Anyone who has walked by a newspaper stand lately knows that these are tough economic times.  Mortgages have been sub-prime, and scientists fear that there may be a recession any day now.  So we can hardly afford to be out there, spending money willy-nilly hunting Bigfoot.  Film, a tent, mosquito repellent, flashlight batteries, flashlights themselves, Travel Scrabble (for boredom), food - these things add up.  Not to mention the cost of a flight to the Pacific Northwest. 

(And as an aside, can someone please explain to me why it costs more to fly from Toronto to Vancouver than from Toronto to Cleveland, where my aunt lives?  They are in the same country, for God’s sake!  You better start treating your customers better, Air Canada, or you will lose their business.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Instead of spending this money on an exercise that, let’s face it, hasn’t exactly wielded overwhelming results, we should try spending it on goods and services.  Heck, you take the money normally spent on Sasquatch searches and add to it the money we are saving thanks to the recent GST cut (thank you, Mr. Chretien!), and we just may be able to nip this recession in the bud.  Maybe.

2. Casualties

The other day, I was talking about this very topic to the guy who lives at the stop where I catch my streetcar in the morning.  He told me about an article he read in Macleans which said that dozens of people go missing in the woods every year and are never found, and that he strongly suspected a number of these were Sasquatch-related.  Now, as you can probably tell from that last part, this guy is a few dice short of a Yahtzee, if you follow me.  But I think Mr. Atreyu Falkor raised an interesting point - how many people get lost and die in the woods each year in the (futile) hope that they will catch a glimpse of The Brown Yeti?  Your guess is as good as mine, but I say between thirteen and sixteen.

And for those of you thinking, “what are you doing talking to a homeless person, are you crazy?” - relax.  If you took the time to talk to these people, I bet you would find that they are a lot like you and I, just a bit dirtier and hungrier.  I even give Mr. Falkor a couple of bucks every once in a while, which I can afford to do because I DON’T GO SPENDING ALL MY MONEY LOOKING FOR BIGFOOT!

"There but for the Gray Sun God goes I" - Old Indian Saying

3. Protection of Nature

Every summer, hundreds of idiots march up into the woods to look for Sasquatch, and every year all but thirteen to sixteen of them come out, after having used those woods as their own personal living rooms, bathrooms and who knows what else for weeks at a time.  Due to too much logging and tree rot, our nation’s forests continue to get smaller and smaller.  I don’t think we should be using what little woodland we have left for these useless expeditions.  These forests are home to numerous kinds of animals and wildlife, and we need to respect that. 

If a white-tailed deer came and took a dump on your lawn, you would probably shoot it, and would be right to do so.  Let’s return the favour, shall we?

If we stay off each other's turf, we shouldn't have any problems

4. It’s Time to Face Facts

My final reason is the most obvious one, but it is also the one that many would least like to admit.  I know I may make a lot of people angry when I say what I am about to say, especially people who have dedicated a good chunk of their lives to “the cause”.  And please, don’t get me wrong, I am not judging.  I have nothing but respect for your dedication and child-like curiosity. 

But did you ever stop to think that maybe Bigfoot is dead?

Think about it - when was the last time anyone actually got a picture of him?  1967?  I mean, other than the ones that we know are fakes.

Fake. It's common knowledge Bigfoot is a rightie.

Listen, when you are a world famous forest dweller who’s been around as long as Sasquatch, any number of things could bring you down.  Old age, poachers, poisoned mushrooms, quicksand, perhaps even (heaven forbid) suicide.  Come to think of it, the odds of him still being alive are astrological.  You may not want to believe it, but deep down, you know I’m probably right.

And maybe…just maybe…him being dead is not such a bad thing.

Monster, indeed.  I feel dirty just having watched that.  Excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower.

*Popeye reference.

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