As a leader in the fields of sports, news and microbiology, Food Court Lunch is often privy to information that the unwashed masses (i.e., you) are not. I’m sorry - that’s just how unfair life can be… Fortunately for you, we are also desperate for attention and friends, so we pretty much share any such information with the world as soon as it comes into our possession. Today is no exception!!

We recently got our hands on a confidential memo that was circulated inside the Toronto Maple Leafs’ organization yesterday afternoon in the wake of the announcement that Cliff Fletcher will be replacing Ferguson as the team’s GM. As you will see, the changes that will be ushered in by this changing of the guard are most impressive indeed…

TO:  MLSE

FROM:  Cliff Fletcher

RE:  Personnel Moves

First of all, let me thank you all once again for this opportunity.  There was only so much nursing home bingo I could play before I went crazy.  Being named interim GM of the Maple Leafs will at least get me outside a little more.

I remember when I first started with the Leafs.  The year was 1991, I was a spry 53 years old, and I wore an onion on my belt (which was the style at the time).  It occurred to me that what the team needed was a star.  So I brought Doug Gilmour on board, and at least temporarily had the city believing in the team again.

Now, I know that it’s a different time.  I’m hip, I’m with it, I know what the kids are into. These world wide interwebs seem to have proven that being a star is pretty much the only thing that matters anymore.  And since we don’t have a scouting department to speak of, I’ve gone ahead and fired all of our players.  Don’t panic - I have a vision.

Unfortunately, we can’t bring on any “hockey stars,” per se.  Or anyone familiar with the sport of hockey, for that matter. Nevertheless, our media relations group (henceforth known as our “scouting department”) has already uncovered some great talent.  It turns out that our fans will show up and cheer on pretty much anyone wearing one of our jerseys, thus happily making a complete lack of hockey ability not necessarily a “dealbreaker.”  Accordingly, instead of making hockey players into stars, we’ll just make stars into hockey players. It’s genius!!

So, without futher ado, I present to you the starting lineup for the Toronto Maple Leafs (complete with scouting reports), effective immediately:

RW, Mike Myers, Scarborough, Ontario

ASSETS:  Is at all the home games anyhow.

FLAWS:  A holdover from the Ferguson era, insists that we call him Love Guru

POTENTIAL:  At least fans will have a genuine reason to laugh at post-game interviews

C, Robert Smith, Blackpool, England

ASSETS:  Refuses to play with a helmet on, in a throwback to the tough guys of the old days.  (Plus, he says it messes up his hair)

FLAWS:  Insists on his own makeup artist in the dressing room, might be a bit of a downer at the team picnic.

POTENTIAL:  If we can get him to stop staring at his skates and crying, his scoring potential rivals that of current Leaf Kris Newbury.

LW, W. Axl Rose, Lafayette, Indiana

ASSETS:  A take-no prisoners attitude, he’s got fun and games.  He’s one in a million.

FLAWS:  May have some substance abuse issues.  Consider him a replacement for Mark Bell.

POTENTIAL:  He’s already signed a contract, we’ve already paid him $13 million including bonuses.  We’re still waiting for him to show up, but he says he’s busy working on something called “Chinese Democracy.”  The good news is that he says he’ll be back as soon as it’s released.

D, Trish Stratus, Richmond Hill, Ontario

ASSETS: These are fairly obvious (and fun to motorboat!).  Not afraid to use the body (as demonstrated by this scouting report video).

FLAWS:  Watch this and tell me if you see any (you may want to close your door)

POTENTIAL:  Stratusfaction guaranteed!  She also won the top spot by beating the crap out of our current roster of defencemen.

D, Shania Twain, Windsor, Ontario

ASSETS:  Has offered to sing the national anthems before every game.

FLAWS:  Given her size, may be injury-prone.  Considered an improvement over Carlo Coliacovo.

POTENTIAL:  If she can sell this crap, she can sell our crappy team.  And that is truly the passion that unites us all.

G: (None)

Think of it as addition by subtraction.  Our team GAA is expected to drop significantly.

I look forward to working with you all,

Cliff

A post by Fruit Smoothie