We are halfway there, people. We have made it to the second and final round of voting for two Canadian Blog Awards. The categories (and links to voting) are:

BEST GROUP BLOG

BEST ENTERTAINMENT/CULTURAL BLOG

The first category is logical for our blog. There are four of us contributing to it — ergo, a group. Sure, it seems like a participation badge more than an actual award, but we are pretty stoked about it. It will be our own Dundie award:

The second category is also a logical fit for Food Court Lunch. Nothing says entertainment and culture like our site. Also, nothing says friendless chronic masturbators like our site. It’s a yin-yang thing.

To be clear, we masturbate with our yangs.

You all know the main reason to vote for us: we will kill your family if you don’t. That being said, our willingness to end the lives of those near and dear to you may not be enough to put us ahead against such lofty Canadian Blog Awards competition. As such, we’re going negative.

With that in mind, let’s discuss our competition in the category of Best Group Blog:

StageLeft

Just so you know, we are not above red-baiting to get what we want. We will make Joseph McCarthy look like Josef Stalin if we have to. Simply put, communism does not work. Tear down this wall, better dead than red, etc., etc., and vote for Food Court Lunch instead of StageLeft. If you do, we will give you a free cigar, permit you to kick our maid and let you participate in our money fights.

Actually, we could probably wait a few months and all the writers for StageLeft would likely descend into a cesspool of Trotsky-esque revenge killings. It’s what those people do, you know.

Not enough? Well, we hear Michael Dukakis writes for the site. He gives weekend passes to murderers. Just saying.

Willie Horton may be a fan of StageLeft.

Canadian Deals Blog

Great. We are up against a coupon site. Wow, tons of hard work went into that one. They really have the 55 to 75 year-old female demographic all sewn up.

A coupon site? Really? Best Group Blog? I am not sure we even have to go negative. In the words of GOB, “come on.”

DeSmogBlog

What kind of a site is this? Seems to me like junk science. Global warming? Clean air? Smog? I mean, who has even heard of these things? I laughed so loud when I read this that you could even hear me over the two-stroke generator I use to power my laptop.

We can all throw around words like “pollution”, “climate change” and “evidence”, but besides scientific studies and years of research, there’s nothing to back these claims up.

C’mon! Who can get mad at a cute little piggy like this one? Hippies, that’s who!!!

Why waste your time with that climate change voodoo mumbo jumbo? Food Court Lunch provides you with facts — cold, hard facts. Except of course for our Reggie Mantle piece, which was complete fiction, entirely parody and properly disclaimed by the writers and editors of Food Court Lunch.

Peace, Order and Good Government, Eh? (POGGE)

As we understand it, this is the website of Leaf prospect Justin Pogge. We thought it would be about his adventures at the World Junior Hockey Championships, but no, Mr. Pogge is apparently Mr. Serious. I suppose www.wetblanket.com was taken.

Entry after entry of political circle jerking, and absolutely nothing on what Jiri Tlusty’s really like. Unhelpful, and unlike Food Court Lunch, which excels, nay, specializes in homophobic innuendo, inaccurate “outings” and baseless rumour-mongering.

Once again, Mr. Nicholson, we are terribly sorry. You just seemed kind of fey to us.

There you have it, dear readers: the “competition” in the category of Best Group Blog (which sounds suspiciously like a euphemism for a computer-based orgy). Fifth column communists, an on-line Pennysaver, hippie Chicken Littles, and a hockey goalie with a Poli-Sci degree. That’s a bit of a motley crew.

I think we all know where the votes should be going — where the excitement happens!!! And nothing but nothing is more exciting, more vibrant, more alive than a Food Court.

Sincerely,

The Food Court Lunch Vote Generation Sub-Committee