Well, kids, the NHL has done it again. 

Every time the fat cats in NHL management are confronted with the question of what direction the league should take, they invariably choose glitz and glamour over substance. Monday’s announcement by player’s union boss Paul “Showtime” Kelly  was no exception. When asked about the prospect of league expansion, Kelly (adorned in a fur coat made from seven different endangered species and studded with blood diamonds) affirmed that the ritzy tri-cities of Winnipeg, Hamilton and Nova Scotia [ed. note - Nova Scotia is not technically a city…] have been short-listed as potential beneficiaries of future expansion. 

And why not? What player hasn’t dreamed of strapping on the blades for Steeltown (Ontario) while pursuring a part-time degree in nursing at McMaster, or taking in a post-game show at one of the illustrious playhouses that line Winnipeg’s renowned theatre district?

Beautiful Downtown Hamilton, where the streets are paved with ashphalt…

Winnipeg’s theatre district at dusk

And sure, every GM in the league would love to be able to draw on the indomitable economic might that is Nova Scotia [still not a city…].

“Downtown” Nova Scotia

But are money and marketshare truly the only deciding factors in today’s NHL? Is the league really willing to prostitute itself to the city with the brightest lights in the hopes of cashing in on some of that ill-gotten steel / fishing / farming money? Gone are the days when Bettman and his cadre of visionaries agonized over their review of expansion cities, devoting countless minutes to the selection of hockey centres such as Nashville, Phoenix, Atlanta and even Carolina. I never thought I would say it, fellow hockey fans, but it looks like Bettman has sold us out.

But there is still hope. Sources close to the NHL power brokers advise that no final decision has been made, and that the league is still open to suggestions for alternative expansion venues. Accordingly, in the hopes that these high-paid sources are correct (there is a first time for everything), we have compiled the following list of potential expansion “cities” for the league’s review. We are confident that, upon careful consideration of our extensive research, the NHL will recognize the inherent dangers of their hitherto myopic “all about the benjamins” policy and will appreciate that there is more to hockey than swanky Saturday nights at Portage and Main.

1) Hartland, New Brunswick - this town has everything that a budding NHL franchise could want: dry food, periodic running water, and an ample supply of covered bridges. And don’t let those Hartland-bashers in Washington tell you that this little beauty doesn’t have the market to support a professional sports franchise - 902 people is plenty! That’s more than double the average attendance at a Coyotes game! 

Proposed Team Name - Hartland Beavers
Proposed Team Motto - “We’ve Got Beaver Fever!!” (literally - there was an outbreak in 1927. It was horrible.)

2) Summerberry, Saskatchewan - with a burgeoning population of 12 (at last count), Summerberry is primed for the NHL. Located just outside of Saskatchewan’s metropolitan centre (i.e., Regina), Summerberry has a thriving ghost-town-tourist-based economy. They also sell excellent jam. Both of these are essential components of any successful franchise in the new NHL.

Proposed Team Name - Summerberry Ballbreakers
Proposed Team Motto - “Suck it long, suck it hard” (taken from the instruction pamphlet distributed at the Annual Summerberry Jam Jamboree)

3) Holler Junction, Saskatchewan - What, you thought that ol’ Summerberry was going to pick up a franchise and leave its sister city of Holler Junction behind?! Are you insane?! That’s just not how Holler Junctionites roll! If there is hockey to be played and money to be made, each and every one of the 23 citizens of HJ will be there in full force. If you build it, Bettman, they will come.

Proposed Team Name - Ice Holers
Proposed Team Motto - “Holla!”

4) Yamachiche, Quebec - Before there was Hockeytown, before there was the Original Six, there was Yamachiche. Over the years, Yamachiceans have become synonymous with hockey. It’s their game, so let’s give it back to them.

Proposed Team Name - Les Vagines
Proposed Team Motto - “Vive Le Francais!” (Volumes 1 to 5)

5) Nipper’s Harbour, Newfoundland - too obvious? Perhaps. But how can you have a professional hockey league without the participation of Nipper’s Harbour? 190 strong, the folks of Nipper’s know about the true meaning of hockey (and depleted fish stocks - thank you, Japan and Spain). Hockey lives here…

Proposed Team Name - Nipper’s Harbour’s Jolly Band of Padded Ice Dancers with Sticks
Proposed Team Motto - “We’re the New Jersey of North-Central Newfoundland” 

So there you have it - a perfectly researched plan for NHL league expansion. Go forth and spread the word…