Our friends at Jalopnik have reported the disturbing news of NBC’s decision to have K.I.T.T. be represented by a Ford Mustang in the upcoming Knight Rider TV series, and we at Food Court Lunch could not be more upset.  What’s next?  A Transformers remake using only GM products?

The idea of David Hasselhoff being replaced by some fresh-faced Johnny-come-lately and that glorious 1982 Pontiac Firebird being replaced with a 2008 Mustang (a Mustang!) offends sensibility.  Glen A. Larson must be rolling over in his grave (if in fact he is dead.)

The editors of Food Court Lunch strongly urge all of our readers to contact their local NBC representatives so that we can undo this injustice and prevent the desecration of yet another American television institution!

Now, you might be wondering how the real Michael Knight and K.I.T.T. are taking the news of their unceremonious replacement.  Well, they’re not taking it lightly.  When we caught up with them, they were hard at work recasting Knight Rider as a gritty reality television-like drama that picks up the lives of Michael Knight and K.I.T.T. nearly 30 years after the demise of the original Knight Rider series. 

We’ve managed to secure an advance copy of the screenplay of this exciting drama, and we think you’ll agree that it makes for more compelling television than the series proposed by NBC.  Enjoy!

 KNIGHT RIDER 2008

SCENE I

[Scene opens. A black 1982 Pontiac Firebird with visible rust is stalled in the middle of a busy intersection.  At the wheel, a weathered Michael Knight struggles to restart the car, as blue smoke bellows from its tailpipe.]

Michael Knight:     Damnit, KITT!  Don’t do this to me again!

KITT [Nasal, British voice]:     I’m sorry, Michael, but my sensors have detected vapour lock.

Knight [angered]:     This is the third time today!!

[Other cars begin to honk.  A driver yells “Hey Knight! Get that piece of shit off the road!]

KITT:     Perhaps you should have listened when I told you to stop gunning the accelerator.  Honestly, I don’t know why they even bothered to give me a voice when you have so obviously chosen to ignore it.

Knight [muttering]:     Tell me about it.  A goddamn Pontiac with a British voice.  Pure genius.

KITT [irritated]:     Pardon me, Michael?

Knight:     I give up, KITT.  How am I supposed to fight crime with you stalling every time we stop at a light?  And will you look at this: The lights on the left side of the dash don’t work, and the same Foreigner cassette has been stuck in the tape deck since 1989!  Come on!

KITT:     Well, I’m sorry Michael, but I think maybe you spilling that flask of bourbon down my dashboard might have had something to do with that.  I should be in a museum somewhere, but you insist on using me as your daily driver.  Well, I’m tired, Michael, and you….” [trails off tearfully].

Knight:     What is it, KITT?  Out with it.

KITT:     I…I have needs, Michael.

Knight:    Look, I’m sorry, good buddy, but I’m a middle aged man now, and I just don’t have the time to work on a car all day anymore.  I ruined three marriages by spending all my time in the garage or at car shows.  And I’m not going to let anything stand in the way of my happiness with Joanne.

KITT:     Joanne?  Really, Michael.  My sensors indicate that you can do much better.

Knight [shouts menacingly]:     YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS!

KITT:    Wake up, Michael.  Joanne’s a gold-dig…..

Knight [enraged]:     Enough!  I’m not going to take relationship advice from a damn Pontiac!

KITT:     I’m sorry, Michael, but I just don’t see what she brings to the table.

Knight:    Look.  Can we stop arguing and just get the hell out of here? We’re late for work.  Again.

KITT:     I’ll do my best.  Why don’t you try pumping my accelerator while you jiggle the key? That seems to work sometimes.

[The Pontiac’s engine reluctantly turns over and springs to life.  KITT lurches through the intersection amidst a cloud of oily smoke, as Michael signals left turn by extending his arm out the window.]

SCENE II

[Scene opens with KITT entering nondescript strip mall parking lot.]

KITT:     Michael, my sensors indicate this isn’t the Pep Boys parking lot.  I thought we were going to get me some fuel additive?

Knight:     I just have to make a quick pit stop, good buddy.  No big deal.

KITT [irritated]:     Another liquor store, Michael?  I mean, really.  It’s 10am!

Knight:     Just need a little something to take the edge off, KITT.  You know how I get during sweeps week.

KITT:     When are you going to admit you have a problem?  I’m a state-of-the-art, precision-tuned machine, but even I can’t prevent you from sideswiping minivans in the J.C. Penney parking lot!

Knight [defensive]:     That was one time!  You’re not my dad, KITT.  I’m a grown man, and if I want to drink a bottle of peach schnapps on the way to work, then I’m going to do it. 

KITT:     Fine, but I’m activating my bumper shields.  It took 2 hours to buff out that dent from when you drove through that playground.

Knight [slams car door]:     Let me live my life!

[Michael returns with two bottles of peach schnapps, a package of Century Sam cigars and a small bottle of fuel line additive.  Michael empties bottle of fuel line additive into KITT’s gas tank.]

KITT:    Finally! I was designed to run on leaded, you know.  My engine’s knocking so much I can’t hear myself think.

[Michael reenters car.  Just then, door locks activate and “Autopilot” light activates on KITT’s dashboard.  KITT speeds out of parking lot, with tail end of car scraping on the pavement as it drives away.]

Knight:     What’s going on, KITT?  Where are you taking me?

KITT:     To see Devon.  He’s been in the hospital since Friday, and you still haven’t gone to see him.

Knight [wistfully]:     But…

KITT:     No “buts”, Michael.  The man gave you your big break and he’s practically on his deathbed.  You owe it to him.

Knight:     No time, KITT.  We’ve got to get to the port before KARR gets to those….

KITT:     Nice try, Michael.  You know damn well that KARR was destroyed over 20 years ago.  Hell, you scavenged half of my parts from KARR.  Why don’t you just admit why you don’t want to see Devon?  Your father figure is dying, and it’s bringing you face to face with your own mortality?

Knight [yelling; emotional]:     HE’S NOT MY FATHER!!  I NEVER KNEW MY OWN FATHER…..[trails off into tears].

KITT:     Here come the waterworks again.  You just sit back and nurse that bottle, Knight.  I’ll wake you up when we get to the hospital.

SCENE III

[Michael Knight and KITT, in midst of high speed pursuit of suspect, pull over on the side of abandoned highway, as suspect speeds away.  Steam escapes from the hood of the black Pontiac as KITT begins to overheat.]

Knight [sarcastic]:     Hooray!  Here we go again.  Allow me to get the Triple-A card out of the glove compartment….

KITT [angered]:     I’m doing my best, Jackass!  It’s hot out here, and you’ve had the parking brake on for the last 20 miles!!!

Knight:      I knew I should have bought that Saturn when I had the chance.

KITT [yells]:     I am a state-of-the-art computer system! I can track a human heartbeat from 100 feet away! My turboboost function can propel me up to 300 miles per hour!  I have remote start!

Knight:    Fantastic.   With that amazing brain of yours, maybe you can figure out why the driver’s side window doesn’t go down anymore.  And let me ask you this, Mr. Wizard: What gas mileage do you get?  Can’t remember?  I can: 10 miles to the gallon.  10.   And guess who pays for gas: me.  So maybe you need to do a little less complaining and a little more crimefighting.  Because from where I’m sitting, you’re not exactly a pretty picture. 

 KITT:    What about you, Knight Rider? You’re nearly 55 years old and you still wear the same tight leather jacket, black jeans and blueblockers as you did in the ’80s.  Oh, and have you ever stopped to wonder why my seats have been replaced twice in the last five years?  Here’s a news flash: You’re fat.  That’s right, I said it.

Knight [boiling over]:    I’ve had enough.   You call yourself a classic car? Not according to the Saturn dealer.  He offered $350 for you as a trade-in.  Or were you forgetting that?  I swear, if you fail emissions again, I’m going to ditch you in the quarry and get  something a little more fuel efficient, like a nice Civic or something.

KITT [hurt]:     How dare you! Michael, please say you’re just kidding.  We’ve been together for over 25 years!

Knight:     Look, all I’m saying is that a little aftermarket update might be in order.  Have you ever heard of satellite radio?  On-Star?

[KITT weeps silently as Michael uses KITT’s corded car phone to call for tow truck.]

SCENE IV

[Michael Knight and KITT have cornered suspect in warehouse district behind the port.  Michael is clearly inebriated.]

Knight:     Come on, good buddy, we’ve got him in our sights!

KITT [irritated]:    I’m going as fast as I can.  We would have caught him a while ago, but you’re weaving all over the place!

Knight:     Yeeha!! Goodbye Tarver!!

[In a thunderous crash, KITT smashes directly into cement wall, crushing suspect’s legs between wall and KITT’s front bumper.  Suspect is killed instantly.]

Knight:    Great work, good buddy!  We finally got him!

KITT [sarcastic]:     Congratulations, Michael, you just killed a shoplifter. 

Knight:    You mean General Tarver.

KITT:    General Tarver died in episode #46, jackass.  Another blackout, I take it?  We’re working mall security now, you drunk idiot.  Or I should say, we were working mall security.  Because my sensors indicate that we are definitely fired.

Knight:    Well, we might as well bring this guy into the police station for processing….

KITT:     I’d love to, jackass, but you cracked my engine block in half when you rammed the wall.  And maybe you want to think about sobering up before you go to the cops?  You smell like Nick Nolte, for crying out loud.  I’m calling for a tow truck.

[Scene fades as Michael Knight passes out against dashboard.  Ominous music indicates end of first part of 2 part episode.]

There you have it, folks!  I think we can all agree that this grippingly real 2008 version of Knight Rider is 100 times better than the version proposed by NBC.  So get the word out!