February 10th, 2008.  Honolulu, Hawaii.  Pro Bowl.

Tony Romo, having just been named game MVP, is finishing a post-game interview on the field.

Romo:…just had a lot of fun out there.  It’s always nice to get a chance to play with players of this caliber, and I’m honoured to be here.

Suzy Kolber: Thanks, Tony, congrats again.

Romo: No problem, thanks.  (notices Tom Brady finishing an interview ten feet away)  Hey, Tom!  Tom!  Wait up!

Brady: Huh?  Oh, hey Tony.

Romo: Wow, what a day out there, eh?  Wasn’t that fun?

Brady: Yep, it sure was.

Romo: I had a blast.  Well, who wouldn’t after throwing three TDs, right?  I guess I was just feeling it out there.

Brady: You had a great game, Tony.

Romo: Of course, I’d trade this trophy for a few more touchdowns against you guys in the Super Bowl.  Man, you guys were unstoppable this year.

Brady: You’ll get another shot.

Romo: (suddenly defensive) I know that.  Jesus, don’t you think I know that? 

Brady: (sighs) See you later, kid. (walking away)

Romo: Tom, wait up!  Look, man, I’m sorry.  It’s just…it’s just been getting to me, you know?

Brady: What has, Tony?

Romo: Everything, man.  I mean, everywhere I go, I hear “Tom is so gorgeous…” or “that Brady gets all the hot women…” or “man, I’d kill to trade places with Brady for a day.” I mean, what the hell am I, chopped liver?

Brady: Anyways, I’ve got a plane to catch…

Romo: HEY! (grabs Brady by the arm) Don’t…walk away when I’m talking to you, man.  That’s rude.

(Other players start gathering around.)

Brady: You don’t want to be doing this, Tony.

Romo: To hell I don’t!  No disrespect, Tom, but what the hell makes you so great, huh?  I’ve got dimples, too, you know?  And a great smile.  Chiseled features. 

Terrell Owens: You’re beautiful, baby!

Romo: And look at the women I’ve been with!  Carrie Underwood, Sophia Bush, Jessica Simpson!  Pretty impressive line-up, you have to admit.

Owens: The cream of the crop, baby!

Randy Moss: Man, shut up.

Owens: No, you shut up.

Romo: So why do you get to be the Superhunk?  How come you’re the “dreamboat QB” poster boy and I’m still the goofy bumpkin?  It’s bullshit, Tom, and YOU KNOW IT!

Brady: Your problem ain’t with me, kid.

Romo: No, that’s where you’re wrong, see.  (puts his finger in Brady’s chest)  You are my problem.

Rob Bironas: (gulps)

Jason Witten: Hey, Tony, let’s just get out of here, buddy.  Go play some Rock Band.

Romo: Naw, Jason.  This ends today.

Brady: Maybe you should listen to your friend Jason Witten, Tony.

Romo: Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Tommy Boy?  Nuh-uh.  You’ve been ducking me for two years.  But no more.  I’m challenging you…

Brady: (raises eyebrow)

Romo: …to a FUCK OFF!

All: GASP!

Kyle Vanden Bosch: Oh, SNAP!

Witten: (knowingly) It’s a fuck off.  It’s a fuck off.

Brady: (calmly) No, it isn’t.  (to Romo) Listen, kid, I know you’re riding high right now.  But trust me, you don’t want to get into this.

Romo: Oh, I don’t, don’t I?

Brady: (sighs) I’m going to catch my plane. (starts to leave)

Romo: That’s right, Tom.  Run.  Run just like you ran out on Bridget Moynahan.

All: OHHHHHHH!!!

Brady: (stops)

Romo: What’s the matter, Tom?  Did I strike a nerve?

Brady: (turns around)

Romo: That’s more like it.  So here’s what we are going to do.  I’m going back to the hotel to get Jessica.  We’re going to come over to your room and meet you and Gisele…

Brady: (walks purposefully towards Romo)

Romo: We start with a basic swap.  Standard Namath rules: four minutes missionary, four minutes spoon, two minutes Long Island Spider Bite and thennnnnnnnUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!  WWWWAAAAWWWWWW!

All: EGAD!

Romo: (quietly) Wha…what happened?

(Romo stands woozily, completely naked from the waist down.  His eyes are glassy.  There is a lit cigarrette dangling from his mouth.)

Romo: I feel so…so…satisfied.

Brady: (zipping up fly) Stay in school, kid.

Moss: (shaking head) Poor idiot never had a chance…

Romo: (breathless, hands on knees) I don’t…know what to say…

Brady: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Romo: I’m s-sorry?

Brady: Nope, not that.

Romo: Then…then what?

Brady: Room key.

Romo: Room key?

Brady: Did I stutter?

Romo: But…but Jessica’s in there!

Brady: (raises eyebrow)

Romo: Take it!  Just…take it.

Brady: Congrats on the MVP, kid.  (starts to walk away) Oh, and one last thing - you’re pregnant.  So you may want to get that checked out.  (walks off whistling “Whole Lotta Love”)

Romo: (stunned silence)

Nick Folk: (softly) Wow.

(Players start dispersing)

Vanden Bosch:  It was over so fast…

Leonard Davis: Man, I’m starving.  Who’s up for a puaa run?

Owens: (to Moss) Man, how come you always have to be so mean to me…? 

(Romo and Witten are alone)

Witten: (slaps Romo on the shoulder) Let’s go, buddy.

Romo: I…I had him, Jay.

Witten: I know you did.

Romo: You know that I had him, right?

Witten: (walking off) Sure I do, Tone.  Sure I do.