Sun 6 Jan 2008
In a recent television spot, Packers QB Brett Favre reveals the “secret weapon” that allowed him to return for an extremely productive 17th NFL season. Was it a special diet? Yoga? An immunity to pain born out of first-rate genetics and years of percocet ingestion?
Really? Bowflex? Are we to believe that an elite, Hall of Fame-caliber athlete, with unlimited access to world-class facilities and trainers, owes his legendary longevity to an all-in-one home fitness system he ordered off his television, most likely while drunk?
With all due respect to the ‘Flex, which we’re sure is a fine product, Favre likely had 250,000 reasons to make that statement. So we are calling shenanigans on the “secret weapon” claim, and inducting Favre as the latest entrant in our Dubious Testimonials Hall of Fame. But he should not fear loneliness, for he has illustrious company.
Testifier: Roger Clemens (2007)
Testimonial:“Yes, my trainer injected drugs into my giant buttox. But it was only B-12.”
Truth: His trainer never injected him at all. Clemens takes all his drugs, not to mention his meals, in suppository form.
Testifier: The Hold Steady (2006)
Testimonial: “There’s always other boys/there’s always other boyfriends/there’s always other boys/and you can make him like you.”
Truth: Craig Finn omits the last part of the original lyric, “unless you are Sarah Dunsmith, 9, of Thompson, Manitoba. You’re too young to know this now, but Joey was your one shot at love.”
Testifier: David Milch and HBO (2006)
Testimonial: “Although there will not be a fourth season of ‘Deadwood’, we will wrap the series up with two two-hour movies.”
Truth, Cocksucker: To paraphrase Cy Tolliver, “bullshitting us and stringing us along while you put out debacles like ‘John From Cincinnati’ will get you told to go fuck yourself.” Those hoopleheads screwed over the fans. May they get shot in the back playing poker.
Testifier: Phil Spector (2003)
Testimonial: “Alright, Lana, you’ve got exactly ten seconds to tell me how you got out of my wife cage. Ten…”
Tru…gaahhwhatthehellisupwiththatguy?!?: That was hardly ten seconds.
Testifier: Chad Kroeger (2003)
Testimonial: “Nickelback does not suck. Twenty-five million fans in the world can tell you that Nickelback does not suck.”
Truugggttthhhh, yeah!: Your mouth says no, but the lyrics to “Photograph” say yes.
Testifier: Bill Clinton (1998)
Testimonial: “I did not have sexual relations with that ‘woman’.”
Truth, baby: Blowjobs have to count as sex! Otherwise, I’ll have to halve the number of chicks I’ve been saying I slept with to 0.75.
Testifier: Tim Johnson (1998)
Testimonial: “This reminds me of that time I fought in the Vietnam War…”
Charlie don’t Truth: Well, he’ll always have that UCLA basketball scholarship story to fall back on…
Testifier: Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro (1995)
Testimonial: “I may be an S.O.B., but I’m your S.O.B.”
TRUTH-546-7777!: I have it on good authority that Mr. Shapiro is a decent, kind man. I’m also told he volunteers by driving cancer patients to their chemo appointments. Nice try, Jim. You old softy.
Testifier: P.T. Barnum (1840ish)
Testimonial: “You’ll never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”
Truth do do do, do do do do do do (circus theme): Try telling that to my dad, inventor of the wooden stove, the “DIY Circumcision Kit” and Shit-Scented Air Freshener (TM). Good thing mom was a wiz at three-card monte.
Testifiers: George W. Bush and Friends
Testimonial: It’d be easier to pick a favourite Simpsons episode. Personally, I like the one where Homer leads Marge to war on false pretenses.
Truthiness: Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait for Jeb to set the record straight in 2012.
Testifier: Pete Hammond, Maxim Magazine
Testimonial: “(Movie X) is the (best/funniest/scariest) film you’ll see this year!”
Two Thumbs up to Truth: From his review of Rush Hour 3: “…it looks like everyone probably signed on just to mint money.” Amen, brother. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go see Hitman and National Treasure: Book of Secrets, on your recommendation.
Testifier: General Tao (2007)
Testimonial: “I only wear women’s panties because they make my junk look bigger.”
Truth: ‘Women’s Panties’ is an oxymoron.