Ah, professional wrestling.  I ask you: is there a better way for an impressionable young man to develop deep-seeded prejudices that will irreversibly shape the way he sees the world for the rest of his life?  I think not.

So...is 'Wahoo' your first name?

Pro wrestling is different than most other forms of scripted entertainment in that it relies on live, visceral audience reaction to tell part of the story.  And the linchpin to this reaction are the villains.  After all, a bad guy isn’t a bad guy if no one is booing him, and a good guy isn’t a good guy if he doesn’t have a bad guy that everyone wants him to beat.

And if you (and when we say “you”, we are assuming you are a wrestling promoter) don’t want to take the trouble of “earning” your audience’s hatred through carefully planned storylines that lead to realistically evolving characters, well, there’s always the old P.T. Barnum adage (and we’re paraphrasing): “People hate Indians.  Make the bad guy an Indian.”

On that note, below is our list of noteworthy wrestlers who relied most heavily on their cringe-inducing gimmicks to elicit crowd responses.  If you ever screamed obscenities at one of these guys when you were thirteen or under, you are pardoned by the merciful hand of ignorance.  If you were forty or over, well…we hear carbon monoxide poisoning is pretty painless.

Stereotype: The Evil Middle Easterner
Poster Child: The Iron Sheik

Summary: In November 1979, a group of Iranian university students stormed the U.S. embassy in Tehran and took 66 American citizens hostage.  The Iran Hostage Crisis would last almost fifteen months, and end up costing the lives of eight U.S. soldiers. The National Wrestling Alliance’s response?  The deliciously punny “Iron Sheik”, who hailed from Tehran, was vocally Muslim, sported a head scarf and boots with curled toes, and routinely questioned America’s manhood in interviews. 

Insensitive?  Yes.  Blatantly racist?  Prob Yes.  But t’weren’t all bad - uber-patriot Hulk Hogan’s victory over the Sheik for the WWF title in 1983 would serve as a form of collective national release, gently alleviating swollen U.S. hate glands and ensuring that American-Iranian relations would never again become a serious international issue.  As an added bonus, the Iron Sheik is, in actual fact, batshit insane.

Alternate Names Considered: The Camel-Fucker, the Rag-head from near Bagh-dad.

Stereotype: The Evil Russian
Poster Child: Nikolai Volkoff

Summary: Ah, the Cold War.  Its lengthy duration, coupled with the lack of any actual direct military conflict between its participants, allowed it to comfortably permeate American consciousness to such an extent that it could serve as the basis for a sub-par Rocky sequel, a two-part episode of Head of the Class and Nikolai Volkoff without one person complaining that any of them were in bad taste. 

Volkoff is best remembered as the physically imposing, if bumbling, tag team partner of the Iron Sheik.  His signature move was demanding that the crowd rise and show proper respect as he sang the Russian national anthem before each of his matches (bonus: nice Chernobyl joke there, Vinnie Mac).  This would prove a convenient opportunity for the live audience to express their frustrations with Soviet foreign policy, free from the oppressive shackles of “good taste”, “informed opinions” and “being able to distinguish reality from fiction.” 

On that note, some free advice: if you have ever taken the trouble of sending a death threat to a professional wrestler, don’t have kids.  If you already have kids, give them away.

Alternate Names Considered: The Stink-O Pink-O, The Commie-Czar.

Stereotype: The Whiny French-Canadian
Poster Children: The Quebecers

 

Summary: At the risk of gross over-simplification, a lot of the underlying tension between Francophone and Anglophone Canada boils down to this: French-Canadians feel that their distinct cultures and values are not legitimately recognized by the rest of the country, and the rest of Canada feels that French-Canadians are hyper-sensitive and expect preferential treatment.  Missing the subtle nuances of this historical tension, Vince McMahon took a couple of French guys, named them after their home province, cast them as cowardly cheaters and, Voila!  You’ve got yourself some instant heat there, monsieur!

The Quebecers would sometimes require that their matches be conducted under “Province of Quebec” Rules, which allowed a team to win the match by disqualification.  For the non-initiated, this meant that a team could win by being so weasley and annoying that the other side would simply get fed up and hit them with chairs [Ed. Note: Sweet Jesus that looked painful!]. 

If you are scoring at home, as far as insults to the French go, the Quebecers ranked somewhere above Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, but somewhere below Pepe Le Pew.

Alternate Names Considered: The Fighting Frogs, The Fresh Peppers.

Stereotype: The Sneaky Oriental
Poster Child: Mr. Fuji

 

Summary: You’ve got to hand it to rasslin’ fans; them peoples know how to hold a grudge.  Decades after Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor, few characters draw immediate dislike quite like an evil Japanese man.  The individual born Harry Fujiwara was actually Hawaiian, but c’mon, what’s the difference?  Am I right people?  Say, where are you going?  And who are you calling? 

Mr. Fuji was basically a rip-off of Oddjob from Goldfinger, and is likely best remembered for his habit of throwing salt in the ring.  In traditional Japanese sumo wrestling, this is a means of inviting good luck and symbolizes purification of the spirit.  In the WWF, this was a means of blinding your opponent. 

A five-time WWF tag team champion and manager of such other “are you fuckin’ kidding me”s as Yokozuna, The Orient Express and Kamala (see below), Fuji was elected into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2007.  Speaking of which, what’s the difference between the WWE and Major League Baseball Halls of Fame?  In the WWE, steroids help you get in.  Hey-yyyoooooo!

Alternate Names Considered: Ol’ Short-Round, Godzilla’s Wang.

Stereotype: The Sexually Threatening Gay Guy
Poster Child: “Adorable” Adrian Adonis

Summary: Now, before any hardcores start getting all, “Adonis? Goldust, motherfucko!” on us, hear us out [Ed. note: wrestling nerd alert]: Goldust was actually a genuinely entertaining, (relatively) well-thought out character, who owed a large portion of his success to Dustin Runnel’s (again, relatively) strong acting skills.  Adonis, on the other hand, was, um…not so much.  You knew he was gay because he always wore pink, used lots of make-up and would flirt with his opponents.  And if there is one thing a pure wrestling fan hates, it’s a gay.  Which is ironic, considering the large majority are themselves closet homosexuals.

Alternate Names Considered: Fancy Pants, The Polish Smoker.

Stereotype: The Jive-Talking, African-American Pimp/Drug Dealer
Poster Child: Slick, the Doctor of Style

Summary: Look, we’re not going to sit here and pretend we didn’t love Slick.  He was one of the funniest promo guys ever.  And while the WWF never flat-out called him a pimp or a drug dealer, it was kind of implied by…you know what, just watch this video.  Slick would later return to the WWF as a born-again Southern preacher man.  In wrestling stereotype terms, we call that a “two’fer”.

Alternate Names Considered: Blackula, The Blunchblack of Blotre Blame.

Stereotype: The Savage Indian
Poster Child: Tatanka

Summary: To Vince McMahon’s credit, Tatanka started out as a good savage Indian.  But it didn’t take long for the crowd to turn on the charismatically-challenged Chris Chavis, which led to him turning into a bad savage Indian (i.e. he dyed his hair black and started to cheat).  Chavis was actually of Lumbee Native American descent, so you’d figure having him rain dance to the ring accompanied by a theme song beginning with “yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!” would be insult enough.  But that gives short shrift to his feud with taxman Irwin R. Shyster (a.k.a. I.R.S. - get it?), that revolved around whether Tatanka’s Native American status afforded him special tax exemptions.  You can’t make this stuff up, folks!

Alternate Names Considered: Chief Knock-a-Homa, The Indian that Gives’er.

Stereotype: Um…The Slave?
Poster Child: Virgil

Summary: Virgil was “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase’s “valet”.  And by ”valet”, we mean “manservant”.   And by “manservant”, we mean “human property”.  He never spoke, carried DiBiase’s money for him and would invariably take beatings for Ted when he ran away from his opponents.  Their relationship ended after Virgil became fed up with being ill-treated by his master employer, and hit him in the head with the very belt DiBiase whipped him with threw to the ground and ordered him to retrieve.  We hear DiBiase is now a born-again Christian.  Good for him.

Alternate Names Considered: Boy, Uppity Mike.

Stereotype: The African Headhunter
Poster Child: Kamala, the Ugandan Giant

Summary: To continue with the baseball comparisons, if racism in the WWE had its own Hall of Fame, Kamala would be Babe Ruth.  He painted primitive symbols on his chest.  He wore an African tribal mask and loincloth.  He spoke wailing gibberish.  He required a “handler” in Safari garb…say - anybody feel like a good cringe?

Alternate Names Considered: The Non-Threatening Cannibal, Mel Lastman’s Worst Nightmare.

***
You know what?  Maybe we’re being too hard on pro wrestling.  Maybe by confronting us with such ridiculous cartoon versions of hurtful stereotypes, they are actually allowing us to see how laughable these ignorant generalizations truly are.  Maybe, in some bizarre twist, wrestling has actually fostered international and interracial cohesion.  Maybe instead of ridiculing it, we should be thanking it for opening up our eyes, so that for the very first time, we can see that deep down, we’re not so different, you and me.

But then again…

I think I’m going to go wash the salt out of my eyes.