marvalbert.jpg

Marv Albert: (standing at podium) Hello, and welcome back to the 2010 NBA Entitlement Awards! Once again, I’m your host, Marv Albert. And I’d like to take one last opportunity to thank our auditors, PricewaterhouseCoopers, who have worked so hard in tabulating all the votes for tonight’s awards and keeping them secret right up to the ceremony. (gestures to accountants standing at side of stage) Great job as always, fellas.

Accountants: (smile, bow)

Marv: Now we’ve got just one award left to hand out, but it’s the one you’ve all been patiently waiting for. So without further ado, let’s get to your winners of the 2010 Eddie Griffin Memorial Award for Achievement in Sexual Deviancy. Your second runner-up is…(opens envelope)…Mr. Tony Parker! Tony, come on up here.

(Crowd applauds; Tony Parker skips smiling onto stage)

Announcer: This is Tony’s first Griffin nomination. He was nominated for his incredible work in sabotaging his marriage to Latino sexpot Eva Longoria-Parker by having sex with former teammate Brent Barry’s wife, Erin.

Parker: (at podium) Sank you so very much for thees oh-nair. I would like to also sank Erin for ‘er irresistible sen-soo-al-ee-tay, and Monsieur Brett for ‘ees, ‘ow you say, obliviousment? My hone-lee regret is that I was not able to pull off thees achieve-mont with zee wife of a current teammate, but…(winks at Tim Duncan’s wife, Amy, who is sitting in the front row)…it is my sincere ‘ope to rectify that sit-yu-ay-shon very soon.

Amy: (blushes)

Tim Duncan: (smiles obliviously)

Parker: Good night, tout le monde! (walks off stage to applause)

Marv: (back at podium) Tony Parker, everyone! Isn’t he something? Reminds me of that Henri fellow from Cheers. Alright, your first runner-up for the 2010 Griffin is…(opens envelope)…Delonte West!

(West bounds to stage, shaking his head angrily)

Announcer: This is also Delonte’s first Griffin nomination. Delonte achieved the remarkable feat of sleeping with then-teammate and reigning league MVP LeBron James’s mother Gloria.

West: (at podium) Man, this is some bullshit! How the hell you gonna tell me I came in second? Y’all know LeBron James, right? Best player in the world, international superstar and all that shit? Well, Ifuckedhismoms. His moms, yo! The woman that raised him! And he was my teammate! How fucked up is that? And I don’t win this shit? (turns to accountants) Yo, you maw’fawkers best be doing a recount.

Accountant #1: (flustered) I-I can assure you that we employ an extraordinarily rigorous protocol when it comes to our ballot-counting, to ensure absolute accuracy of results…

West: Man, accurize this.

(West grabs Accountant #1′s briefcase and hits him over the head with it. Accountant #2 flees off-stage, with West in hot pursuit)

(Crowd applauds)

Marv: Ho boy. Let me just say it’s a good thing we all have immunity from prosecution at this ceremony, otherwise I’m pretty sure that would be a breach of Delonte’s parole.

(Crowd laughs)

Marv: And now…the moment you’ve all been waiting for. (drumroll starts) The winner of the 2010 Eddie Griffin Memorial Award for Achievement in Sexual Deviancy is…(opens envelope)…yes! And it counts! Mr. Andrei Kirilenko!

(Kirilenko, smiling widely, lopes onto the stage)

Announcer: This is Andrei’s fourth consecutive Griffin win. Andrei rewrote the rule book for deviancy this year with the infamous “All-Star Weekend Mascot Orgy” sex tape that surfaced on the internet back in July.

mascotorgy_edited-4.jpg

Kirilenko: Thank you, thank you so much to everyone. I would like to first thank my beautiful wife, Masha, for the gift of our special agreement. You are such wonderful woman, and I certainly could not be standing up here to you tonight without you. I loves you, honey.

Masha: (dabs tissue at eyes)

Kirilenko: Of course, I am very surprised to be winner this year given such very tough competition. I thought for sure Lamar Odom would be winner, but I guess voters do not consider sleeping with Khloe Kardashian to be act of bestiality.

(Crowd laughs)

 Lamar Odom: (from back of room) Hey, what the fuck, man?

Kirilenko: Ha ha, Kirilenko only joke. But seriously, thank you all so much. This will go in trophy case with All-Defensive Team plaque and restraining orders from largest American zoos. Thank you, goodnight.

(Leaves stage to applause)

Marv: Well, that’s our show, everyone. Thanks for joining us. And let me just end tonight the same way I end things every year – by extending a big middle finger heavenwards to Eddie Griffin, because before he decided he could jack it while in transit, they used to call this award ‘The Marv’. Good night, everyone.