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(New York City. Jay-Z’s Manhattan studio. LeBron James enters)

LeBron: S’up, Jay.

Jay-Z: Hey! S’up, big man?

(They hug)

LeBron: Not much. You ready to go hit the club?

Jay: For sure. But before we do, I got a little something for you.

LeBron: Oh yeah? What’s that?

Jay: It’s my LeBron James tribute track.

LeBron: (excited) Really?

Jay: Really. (walks into booth) Grab a seat right there, man, I’m going to record it with you in the room.

LeBron: (sits down, beaming) Hey hey, alright!

Jay: (to producer) We rolling? Alright, hit it.

(Beat starts)

Jay: Alright now. Just chillin’ in the studio. Got my man LBJ in here with me. And we about to lay it down…

“The Decision”
Summer two thousand and ten
Remember where you was?
Jay does
And also when
He got on that plane to Cleveland
Comrade Mikhail at his side
We were goin’ on a trip
Just to get taken for a ride
Up to the office of L-R-M-R marketing
All for the chance to sit down and remark to King
James “oh, sire, if only you’d consider
Our noble little quest to turn our team into a winner”
But man, we sold that shit, spared no expense
LeBron sat and listened, starin’ all intense
Then he thanked us for our time, and sent us on our way
Like he was Alec fuckin’ Baldwin and we was Tina fuckin’ Fey
Yeah, we was playing 30 Rock, instead of dirty Roc-a-Fella
And then he shot us in the gut like our name was Old Yeller
Because we soon found out we’d been wasting our time
You see, LBJ had long ago made up his mind
While we thought there was some mystery to the whole, “man, where will he go?”
Turns out LeBron was just playing us to stroke his own ego
Well wasting Jay’s time? That’s a sin you can’t repent
So lube up, Bron, here comes the Nas treatment

LeBron: Uh, Jay?

Jay: Huh? What’s up, baby?

LeBron: Is there…is there something you want to talk to me about…?

Jay: Hold on, man. We haven’t gotten to the good part yet!

LeBron: Gulp.

Jay: Back at y’all…

King James, a “global icon”
Who came up with that? Your dumb-ass hype mon?
How can you be an icon when you ain’t done shit
Except win 60 games, then in the playoffs, quit?
I don’t know who advises you, but I’m telling you you oughta
Tell your lap dog there’s only one Maverick named Carter
LRMR Marketing? Don’t make me laugh
I got more chauffeurs than your office got staff
LeBron, Richard, Maverick and Randy
That’s four names but one client – bitches, what’s your Plan B?
They’ll be four dead in O-hi-o when I’m done
And they’ll play this track at your funeral instead of Neil Young
But enough about boy businessmen, I’m here to talk about you
You can call me Paul Pierce, here’s your helping of truth

Jay: (smiles at LeBron, gives thumbs up)

LeBron: (shifts uncomfortably in chair)

You ain’t done shit, but act like the world owes you
You wanna be a billionaire? Shit, son, I’ll loan it to you
Because you won’t get there on your own now that you gave up your brand
They call you a manchild? Well I say drop the ‘man’
Just because you got a tattoo doesn’t mean that you loyal
Just because you call yourself “King” doesn’t mean that you royal
And even if you was royal, it was only in the Cleve
Which makes you dumb as shit for the way you chose to leave
The rest of this kingdom’s already got a ruler
Wanna guess what his name is? Anyone? Bueller?
That’s right, it’s Jay, and long live the King
I got rooms full of jewels while you’re still scrambling for a ring
“Take my talents to South Beach?” Bitch, the team’s called the Heat
And just in case you think your boys can’t be beat
I got something to say to your number two and number three
Cuz when you fuck with Jay, I fuck your whole family

LeBron: (standing up) Jay, really, I’m uncomfortable with…

Jay: SIT THE FUCK DOWN!

LeBron: (sits down)

Now Wade’s got a title, and yeah, he’s got game
And the money and the honeys and the fortune and the fame
But let me tell you something ’bout your super friend Dwyane
The least fucked up thing about him is the way he spells his name
Don’t get me wrong, there’s weird shit that I did
But who the fuck gets it on in front of their own kids?
And what the hell was up with you and Star Jones?
And the band-aid on your face? Fuck is wrong with you, homes?

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And CB4? Fuck does that even stand for?
I forgot your name seconds after you walked in the door
And while I’m standing here trying to remember your name
You can say your goodbyes to your last All-Star game
You think you’re big time all of a sudden? Turtle, from where I sit
You’re a C-list baby sucking A-list tit

(A crowd of people suddenly pour into the booth, bouncing to the beat)

Tell you what, sunshine, I’m gonna help you out
With a call and response for the league’s fans to shout
Lemme hear you say “Wade! James! And what’s his name?”

Crowd: Wade! James! And what’s his name?

Jay: Now lemme hear you say “RuPaul sucks! RuPaul sucks!”

Crowd: RuPaul sucks! RuPaul sucks!

Jay: Wade! James! And what’s his name?

Crowd: Wade! James! And what’s his name?

Jay: RuPaul sucks! RuPaul sucks!

Crowd: RuPaul sucks! RuPaul sucks!

(Crowd exits; Mikhail Prokhorov enters)

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Jay: My man! Here, take the mic. (hands mic to Mikhail)

Mikhail: Nyet, Jay. I could not possibly…

Jay: Just give it a whirl, man.

Mikhail: (shrugs) Oh, I suppose. Here goes.

My name is Mikhail, and I’m here to say
I mine gold and nickel, which helps me to pay
For basketball team called New Jersey Nets
And what Prokhorov want, Prokhorov gets
So I don’t like to be made to look like a fool
Wasting my time? It’s not…how you say…cool
You anger Russian billionaire before? That I surely doubt
Because you still walking…for now. Prokhorov, out

Mikhail: (waves hands in air, exits booth)

Jay: Ha ha! You’re crazy for this one, Mik! (to LeBron) Now…

I wanna thank you for coming to visit me today
And I hope I didn’t waste your precious time in any way
One final question to consider and then we’ll start boozin’ it
And my name’s not Jim Gray, so no, you won’t be choosin’ it
Magic, Jordan, Bird, Kobe, Russell
The all-time alphas with the all-time hustle
Now here’s my question, and then we’ll get gone
Does it bother you that list won’t ever say ‘LeBron’?
Hell, it’d bother me, but then I’m not one to say
Cuz in hip-hop that list’s got just one name – Jay

(slams mic on ground; beat stops)

Jay: (to producer) We good? Alright, do your thing with that, baby. (walks out of booth towards LeBron) So what you think, man?

LeBron: …

Jay: Ha ha. Speechless, right? Just like I thought. Don’t worry, man, I’ll send you the very first copy we press. I’m going to take that platinum.

LeBron: (holding stomach) I don’t feel so good. Maybe I should skip…

Jay: (leading LeBron out studio door) Nonsense, you’re fine. We’re gonna do it up tonight. (cell phone rings) Excuse me a minute. (answers phone) Hey, what’s up, Gloria? How you doin’, beautiful? I’ve been thinking about you, too. Matter of fact, I’m with your boy right now…

***

See also: The Jay-Z Benefit Track for Babies with AIDS