Tue 29 Jun 2010
(Brooks Brothers. Madison Avenue, Manhattan. LeBron James is being fitted for a suit.)
Salesman: …and you’ll notice the subtle gold pinstripes against the charcoal grey give it just a wonderful hint of elegance.
LeBron: (looking at self in mirror) Yeah, yeah. I like this. Do me a favour and ring this up for me.
Salesman: Of course, sir.
(Chris Bosh emerges from an adjacent room)
Bosh: Hey LeBron – check it out.
(LeBron turns; Bosh is wearing exact same suit)
LeBron: Oh. Yeah, um, looks real good, Chris.
Bosh: Doesn’t it? I saw you trying it on, and I thought, “yeah, that is definitely us“.
Bosh: (stands next to LeBron, stares into mirror) Look at us. We’re like Batman and…another Batman.
LeBron: Mmm-hmm. (gestures subtly to salesman to cancel sale)
Salesman: (nods knowingly)
Bosh: Maybe we should look at some ties…
LeBron: I’ve got a better idea. How about we grab some lunch?
Bosh: Sounds good to me, partner.
(They change into street clothes and head out to a nearby steakhouse)
Waiter: Good afternoon, gentlemen. Care to hear our specials?
Bosh: Naw, garcon, we’re good.
LeBron: Actually, I’d like to hear them.
Bosh: On second thought, go ahead and read us those specials.
Waiter: Well, we have a wonderful London Broil, marinated in Pinot Noir and balsamic vinegar, served with a summer vegetable medley and fried Portabello mushrooms…
LeBron: Sounds good, I’ll have that.
Waiter: Very good. (to Bosh) Sir?
Bosh: (nods smugly, holds up two fingers)
Waiter: Excellent. I’ll be back in just a moment to take your drink orders. (leaves)
LeBron: So, Chris, there’s something we need to talk…
Bosh: Oh, wow, I almost forgot. Check these out.
(Bosh reaches into a bag and pulls out two basketball jerseys, and hands one to LeBron)
LeBron: What’s this?
Bosh: Check it out, man. See the logo on the front? It’s a question mark.
Bosh: The number on the back is 46 – 4 (points to self) and 6 (points to LeBron).
LeBron: I see. And that’s why the name on the back is…
Bosh: LeBosh, baby!
Bosh: It’s like Bennifer, only awesome.
Bosh: I figured we could give Nike a call, talk about running an ad campaign, like, “Who? LeBosh. When? Summer 2010. Where? ?” (rifling through bag) I’ve actually prepared a few basic storyboards…
LeBron: Chris – we’re boys, right?
Bosh: Of course.
LeBron: And you know I’d love to have you join whatever team I decide to sign with.
Bosh: (defensive) And I’d love to have you decide to join whatever team I decide to sign with.
LeBron: See? That right there. That’s the problem.
Bosh: What is?
LeBron: It’s like this, Chris. You keep going around and saying how you are not a sidekick, how you are a centerpiece.
Bosh: That’s because I am.
LeBron: Okay. But then you’re also saying you want to play on the same team as me.
Bosh: What’s your point, LeBron?
LeBron: My point is…I’m LeBron James.
LeBron: So, by definition, I’m the centerpiece. And you can’t have more than one alpha dog in a given pack.
Bosh: Sure you can.
LeBron: No, you can’t. That’s why it’s called an “alpha dog”.
Bosh: What? That isn’t true.
LeBron: Okay. Give me an example.
Bosh: I can give you plenty.
LeBron: Start with one.
Bosh: Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.
Bosh: Why not?
LeBron: It was Butch’s gang.
Bosh: The hell it was.
LeBron: Whose name came first?
Bosh: That’s because they went alphabetically.
LeBron: Who’s ‘they’? Cowboys?
LeBron: Alright, fine. Then I guess you won’t mind if I start calling you ‘Sundance’?
Bosh: Fuck that, man, I’m a Butch!
LeBron: You see? That’s why we can’t play together!
LeBron: Because, Chris, if you come and play with me, you’d have to accept that I’d be Jordan, and you’d be Pippen.
Bosh: (annoyed) How do you figure? Last I checked, you and me had the same number of rings.
LeBron: (incredulous) Same number of…Look, man, let me put this another way. Look over your shoulder. What do you see?
Bosh: (looks) There’s nothing there.
LeBron: Right. Now look over mine.
(Bosh looks. A single-file line of fifteen women, anxiously straightening their dresses and fixing their make-up, has suddenly appeared behind James)
Bosh: What the…
LeBron: You see? I just thought about them, and they appeared.
Bosh: Hmm. (closes eyes real hard, looks back over shoulder) Damn.
Bosh: I need you to hear me, Chris. In order for me to achieve the things I need to achieve, I can’t afford distractions, like wasting time fighting with teammates about who the team belongs to.
Bosh: Uh-huh. And what, exactly, are you trying to achieve?
Bosh: Pfft. Dominance. Of what?
LeBron: Well, basketball first. I want to be the only guy ever to win 10 straight rings.
Bosh: (rolling eyes) Okay. Then what?
Bosh: (laughing sarcastically) Lemme guess – you want to be the first guy ever to own ten Fortune 500 companies?
Bosh: (arches eyebrow)
LeBron: Then I want to dominate politics, but I’m not sure how yet. Maybe be the first black President who can take it to the hole with both his right and left hand…
Bosh: You’re crazy.
LeBron: Go ahead and doubt me, then. The point is, you’ve got to make up your mind as to what you want to be. Sign with me, and you get to be Scottie Pippen. Hall-of-Famer, shit ton of rings…
Bosh: But no statue.
LeBron: But no statue. Or, you can decide you want to be the man, go off and lead your own team, and…
LeBron: And may the best man win.
LeBron: So. What’s it going to be?
Bosh: (slams palm down on table) You know what…I’m sorry, man. But I’m no role player.
LeBron: (surprised) Okay.
Bosh: I’m a franchise player! I’m a five-time All-Star…
LeBron: On the Raptors.
Bosh: (ignoring LeBron) …I’m a five time All-Star! And I don’t play second-fiddle.
LeBron: That’s cool. I can respect that.
Bosh: (getting up from table) Yeah, you will respect that. Because I’m sick of everybody always saying I can’t lead a team to a championship. Those people are dead wrong, and I’m going to show them.
LeBron: That’s great, man.
Bosh: It is. So before you go and start counting those ten rings, you first better start worrying about how you’re going to get past Chris Friggin’ Bosh in ten straight finals.
LeBron: I’ll see you in the finals then.
Bosh: Count on it. (turns and walks out of restaurant)
LeBron: (shrugs shoulders) Whatever. (looks around) Jesus. How long does it take a waiter to come back for a damn drink order? (to line-up) Say, any of you girls know anything about campaign finance rules?
Bosh: (on cell phone, pacing nervously and chewing fingernails) Come on, come on, pick up. Oh, hello? Kobe? How you doing, man? It’s me, Chris. Listen, I wanted to run something past you that’s going to blow your mind. Ready? One word: KoBosh! Heh heh. Pretty sweet, isn’t it? I was thinking I could call up Nike and…hello? Kobe? Hello…?