The Toronto Maple Leafs recently acquired Dion Phaneuf from the Calgary Flames in exchange for a bag of pucks and several of my linemates from beer league hockey (and Ian White). There has since been much speculation about who Dion will be paired with on the blue line. Or, if you want to be grammatically correct, there has been speculation about with whom Dion will be paired… There, are you happy fancypants? Now try to stay focused.

While there are several possibilities, pundits generally agree that Mike Komisarek is the logical choice for a linemate (or would have been were it not for a recent season-ending injury). For Dion and Mike share many of the qualities that NHL franchises look for in a defensive player. They both play a gritty, physical game. They both have powerful shots from the point. And, perhaps most importantly, they both dated this girl:

Yes, there’s nothing quite like sharing a locker room with a guy who ploughed your girlfreind before you arrived on the scene. Not only does it give you a chance to find out exactly what STDs you’re exposing yourself to on a nightly basis, but it also allows you to find out the best way to pleasure your lady from someone who has first-hand / first-penis experience.

From the Leafs’ perspective, pairing the two Elisha-rogerers together would also inject some much-needed aggression into the their playbook. Who cares if the two of them end of fighting each other in the corner - at least there will be something worth watching on the ice. They could even work out secret phrases for on-ice plays that would baffle their opponents. Plays like “Going (Knuckle) Deep”, or “Dump and Pump”, or “Elisha Still Dreams of Me While She’s Doing You”, or “Threesome with Jack Bauer’s Daughter“, or “Backdoor with The Girl Next Door“, or “Does This Smell Familiar?”… Anyway, you get the picture.

Sadly, Mike is out for the season, so Leafs fans will have to wait until next year for the dynamic duo to take to the ice. However, there is always a chance that Cuthbert will dump Dion for her 4th professional hockey player in as many years (if you count Avery as a “professional”), so we’ll keep our fingers crossed that she picks a fellow Leaf. My money’s on Kaberle…