(Raptors practice. Chris Bosh sits on the bench reading the box score from the previous night’s game)

Bosh: Man, twelve rebounds for Andrea again last night? What the heck has gotten into him lately?

Jose Calderon: Ah. It is not what has gotten into him, my friend Christopher, but what we are able to finally bring out.

Bosh: You’re talking crazy again, Jose.

Calderon: Oh, is I? Watch this.

(Calderon walks over to Andrea Bargnani, who is standing listlessly under the basket during a shoot around)

Calderon: Hello, Andrea!

Bargnani: Whadda you wantah, Jose?

Calderon: (pokes Bargnani in the ribs) Up!

Bargnani: Hey! Stoppa that, or you gonna found out!

Calderon: (chasing and poking Bargnani) Come now! Up! Up!

Bargnani: Stop that! Itta tickles!

(Bargnani leaps back to avoid Calderon, and a rebound falls directly into his hands)

Bargnani: Hmm?

Calderon: Very good, Andrea! Here - have a pizza bite.

(Calderon opens his hand to reveal a pizza bite, which he hands to Bargnani)

Bargnani: Mmm. Squisito. Give another to me!

Calderon: Up! Up!

(Frantic, Bargnani swings his elbows, jumps up and yanks down a rebound. He immediately turns back and faces Calderon)

Bargnani: There. Now make-ah witta the little pizza.

Calderon: Here you go! (tosses pizza bite at Bargnani)

Bargnani: (chewing)

Calderon: (rubbing Bargnani’s neckbeard) That’s a good Il Mago.

(Bargnani swallows, turns around, and begins rebounding determinedly)

Calderon: (to Bosh) Do you see?

Bosh: Well, I’ll be. How did you do that?

Calderon: It is a technique Jose learns from his cousin. You simply lead the person to do the thing you want him to do, and then give him a reward he likes when he do it.

Bosh: What, forever?

Calderon: No, soon they will do it without the treat. With Italian centers, it takes about forty days.

Bosh: Wow. Impressive. Has it worked on anyone else?

Calderon: Well, you be the judge to tell me! Look at this one.

(Calderon gestures to Raptors announcer Jack Armstrong, who stands nearby, smiling and ogling the practicing Raptors Dance Pak. The dancers are visibly uncomfortable)

Calderon: First, distract. (claps hands) Hello, Mr. Armstrong!

Armstrong: (turns around) Hey, Jose! How’s it goin’?

Calderon: (to Bosh) Then, lead to behavior we want. (to Armstrong) Very good! Say, look at what I have! (Calderon shakes a steel flask)

(Armstrong’s focus immediately shifts to the flask; he jogs lightly over to Jose)

Armstrong: Say, Jose - how’s about giving ol’ Jack a quick taste?

Calderon: Of course. (Calderon slowly walks over to a courtside table; Armstrong follows the flask intently)

Calderon: Have a seat, Mr. Armstrong.

(Armstrong sits down attentively)

Calderon: (to Bosh) Now, reward. (to Armstrong) Here you go.

(Calderon pours a shot of whiskey into Armstrong’s mouth. Armstrong swallows it, and immediately begins preparing handwritten answers to fan emails)

Bosh: Well done. That’ll save a couple lawsuits at least.

Calderon: That one is taking a while.

Bosh: Well, you know what they say - you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Calderon: Oh, Christopher, you are being silly. Mr. Armstrong is not a dog - he is old man!

Bosh: Uh, yeah. Just playing with you, Jose.

Calderon: Heh. Jokes.

Bosh: Well, since you got all these new found powers…what are we going to do about Hedo?

Calderon: Oh, Hedo? Well, I do not feel comfortable doing this to my most special friend, so for him, I bring in someone special. My cousin Cesar.

Bosh: Not…not Cesar Millan.

Calderon: Si.

Bosh: Get out of here. The Dog Whisperer is your cousin?

Calderon: All people who speak Spanish are cousins. And don’t worry - if anyone can help Hedo, it is he. Look, there they is now.

(Calderon gestures to the other side of the gym. Cesar Millan is slowly backing Hedo into a corner)

Millan: Come on, Hedo.

Hedo: (anxious) BRAAAGGGGGHHH!

Millan: Here. Look at the baklava.

Hedo: (intrigued) KRAWN?

Millan: Good. Now, let’s try this again. I’m going to start this 24-second clock. I need you to wait ten seconds, and then shoot the ball with both feet balanced. Can you do this?

Hedo: (determined) FRARP!

Millan: Okay…GO!

(Hedo picks up a basketball, immediately throws it straight up the air, and promptly runs headfirst into the wall)

Hedo: (rubbing head) SNALLPPP!

Millan: (resigned) Okay, Hedo. Good try. Here, take the baklava.

(Hedo smiles, grabs the pastry and sits down on the floor. Millan walks slowly over to Calderon and Bosh)

Calderon: (smiling) How is he doing, cousin Cesar? Is he all fixed up yet?

Millan: (sighing) Sit down, cousin Jose.

Calderon: (sits) Yes?

Millan: Cousin Jose…do you remember when we told you your friend Jorge went to live on a farm…?