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I was watching Star Wars, Episode I the other night (because that’s just the kind of cool guy I am), and I was struck by how truly bad-ass Darth Maul was. He was like a mute ninja clown with crazy face tattoos (and horns). I was also struck by how overly douchey it was to kill him off in the space of about 20 minutes, before the audience could really get a sense of the depth of his bad-assness… Nice work, Lucas – at least you preserved a spot for Jar-Jar in the sequels.

In any event, following his premature on-screen demise, I started to ponder where he would rank among the great villains of the Silver Screen (probably somewhere between Yentl and Zohan). In so doing, I realized that I was duty-bound to our loyal readers to produce the definitive list of movie villains. Oh sure, AFI made a poor attempt at compiling such a list a couple of years ago, but they lacked the one resource that we here at Food Court Lunch possess: four lonely shut-ins with a collective encyclopedic knowledge of crappy movies (mostly from the 80s). And so, without further ado, here are the 15 greatest movie villains of all time (in descending order of villainy):

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  1. Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin – Arnold’s greatest role.
  2. The Blair Witch – he/she still haunts my nightmares (and gives me motion sickness)
  3. El Guapo from Three Amigos – he raped horses and pruned hedges!
  4. Nick Nack from The Man with the Golden Gun – I kept waiting for the plane…
  5. Dark Helmet from Spaceballs – “Keep firing, assholes“
  6. Benjamin Button (I fell asleep, but I assume at some point he turned evil…)
  7. The Ice Cream Guy from Student Confidential  – cinematic gold
  8. The Crazy Village People from Gymkata
  9. Lizard Man in a Unitard from Star Trek – his villainy is matched only by his blinding speed
  10. Bennett from Commando (he edged out Sully…) – Alyssa still looked hot… what?!?
  11. The guy who framed Roger Rabbit
  12. Mama Fratelli from The Goonies
  13. Minnie Driver in everything she has ever been in – including this video… Terrifying!
  14. The principal from ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ in Howard the Duck
  15. Dr. Evil 

There you have it – the definitive list of movie villains. We defy you to disagree… “Challenge!” (said with an awkward French accent)