As most people with dial-up access to the interwebs are well aware, Senor Gilbert Arenas has been charged with one count of carrying a pistol without a license following his spat with fellow Wizard, Javaris “Gandalf” Crittenton. Much has been made in the media of late about whether professional athletes are heightened targets for muggings and encyclopedia solicitation, such that carrying a weapon has become a necessity for these poor souls. After all, if a super-duperstar of the likes of Delonte West needs to carry no less than three loaded firearms when he is rolling on his three-wheeled scooter and cutting off police, imagine what real athletes must feel compelled to carry around on their person…

But here’s the thing, professional athletes of the world - there is likely no need for you to risk jail time to protect yourselves. First off, we suggest that if you are going to carry a weapon that is legal if properly registered but carries a 5-year jail term if not registered, perhaps you should spend the 6 minutes to register it… Better yet, let the good people at Food Court Lunch register it for you - you just relax and fire up the old x-box. We will fill out and file all of the necessary paperwork on your behalf (for a reasonable sum, of course).

But’s that’s not all! We here at Food Court Lunch are willing to do it all for you (and I do mean all - especially Gourmet Spud). If you want to carry an illegal firearm that defies registration, whether because it makes you feel more gangster or simply because it is a family tradition, that’s cool too! We will carry it for you. Hell, for the right price, we will carry anything for you! Got weed? Give it to us! Child pornography? Toss it over here for safekeeping. Naked photos of your mom (or someone else’s mom) that you would prefer not to become public? We don’t mind - we’ll just claim it’s our mom.

“We will carry your shit…” 

Our firm offers 24-hour service, regardless of whether you’re on the road or just sitting at home. If you are driving around with contraband and are pulled over by the cops, just throw everything in the backseat - we will be there to pick it up and claim exclusive ownership (I can usually be found behind your passenger seat - I am quite petite). Time for a shootout in the locker room? Butter Chicken will be in the showers waiting for you with whatever you desire (i.e., pistols, soap, tube steak, etc.). Going clubbing and feel the need to just fire off a few rounds? We’ll be there (provided you can speak to the bouncers on our behalf - we are not very good about getting into nightclubs, not because of the guns so much as our hideous physical appearance and our penchant for wearing Zubaz).

The important thing, uber rich athletes with dream jobs, is that you don’t throw everything away through sheer stupidity. You are wealthy. Disgustingly wealthy. Simply put, you can afford to pay other people to go to jail for you. That is why the leagues pay you so much - they expect you to do stupid things. After all, let’s not kid around - you weren’t drafted from Mensa. But the great thing about being you is that you can use your wealth to send others to prison for your mistakes. That’s called justice. And that is where we come in. We look forward to working together…