Thu 14 Jan 2010
Do you ever have those days when you need to find the most German thing that you can? No? This has never happened to you? Not once? Not ever? You don’t know what the hell I’m talking about? First the sell-out and now these stupid questions? Why don’t I go fuck myself? And her too? Enough questions. I am sure we have all had those days. Those days are much like the days when you only have a flimsy premise for a post and need to write something to avoid the disapproving looks, angry clucking and brutal sexual assaults of your co-writers.
Anyway, on to finding the most German thing in the world. Is it this?
That is a strong start, much like one the Germans got when they blitzkrieged Poland in 1939. But I think we can do better:
Beer at Oktoberfest! Given that photo, I believe “Oktoberfest” is German for “Celebration Involving Women With Mannish Hands and Disturbingly Powerful Forearms.” It’s the only word in German that’s shorter than its English translation.
Still, we can work on this. How about this?
Girl in the middle, you need new friends. Or a new head. One or the other. Other girl — as you were.
How about this?
You have no idea what I am talking about? And no, you don’t know what that smell is? And it was all an Austrian’s fault? I am not sure I follow.
Anyway, after several valiant attempts, I have found the most German thing on Earth. Dear readers, I bring you Paul Van Dyk, trance DJ extraordinaire, at Love Parade in Berlin in 1999. Prepare to be Teutonicized!!!
PVD - For an angel (Loveparade98)
Uploaded by sir_newton. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.
My love of degenerate pornography, shitty licorice-flavoured candies, and liebensraum increased by about 3000% after watching that. I feel like taking the Sudetenland right now. Anyone else? It has always been ours! This video actually provides visual evidence that the Germans gave up irony as one of the terms of Instruments of Surrender in 1945. What’s really funny is that the predominant German dance move appears to be raising your arm. Yeah, that move’s got no baggage to it whatsoever.
January 14th, 2010 at 3:03 am
they also gave up the mustache.
January 14th, 2010 at 3:13 am
… I can’t believe you guys got sponsored. Who knew writing a sports(?) blog with amazingly random posts written at amazingly inconsistent times would pay off?? Congrats! From this post, I doubt the Score knew what they were getting into when they decided to give you guys money.
Whenever I think about doing something German, I remember being in Munich and watching a group of lederhosen clad Germans stumbling through the streets acting like drunken fools… at 11am… on a Wednesday… NOT during Oktoberfest. Then I realize how much I never want to do anything German.
January 14th, 2010 at 10:38 am
“Then I realized how much I never want to do anything German.”
That was also an excerpt from Roger Ebert’s review of “Schindler’s List”.
January 14th, 2010 at 10:39 am
@ Cragstan
On the contrary, we were quite familiar with FCL’s content when we sponsored them. We’re trying to expand our audience to include nihilists and sex offenders. Also, they’re not actually getting any money out of this. We pay them in unlimited supplies of Rohypnol, duct tape and tarp.
January 14th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Shit, I need two hands to count the number of times I staggered drunkenly through the streets at 11 a.m. on a weekday wearing lederhosen. I’ll bet you get fewer stares in Munich than in Chicago. Poseur!
January 14th, 2010 at 10:44 am
I love Oktoberfest. Or as we say in Kitchener, “Wednesday”.
January 14th, 2010 at 10:57 am
@ Scott:
If you could add a shovel, a box of lyme and a windowless van to that list, we would be very appreciative.
@ rusrus:
Change that to “pantyhosen” and you know my secret shame.
January 14th, 2010 at 11:20 am
What the Jesu Christo? I’m away for a week and I come back to find advertising and shitty German techno music? So much for staying gold, Ponyboy.
January 14th, 2010 at 11:24 am
box of lyme
This reeks of experience.
January 14th, 2010 at 11:32 am
@ Chief:
I hate to have to break our new “No Indians” policy to you, but…
@ Rusrus:
If I was experienced, I wouldn’t have to dissolve the body, would I?
January 14th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Brilliant business decision, banning the “likey the firewater” contingent.
January 14th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
@ Chief:
We still have a wide array of satellite radio, computer software and burger products to offer you.
January 14th, 2010 at 1:47 pm
needs more S&M/scat porn
January 14th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
It is now time on Sprockets ven ve dance!
January 14th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
@ Scott Carefoot
Nihilists, really? They just go around believing in nothing.
“Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, but at least it’s an ethos.”
January 14th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
There’s moderation now? Or did I just write some bad words? Or do you need to check my math.
January 14th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
@ semper
Your math checked out.
January 14th, 2010 at 8:56 pm
I came here for refurbished dong ads. What’s with the Budweiser nonsense?
January 14th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
Oh sure. You guys sell out and all of a sudden it’s Hello Buxom Fraulein and Goodbye Midget Porn?
Well, fine! If anybody needs me, I’ll be over in the corner shaming my forebears with a jar of mustard and the Sears catalog.