EDITOR’S NOTE:

The following post is a work of pure fiction that is in no way endorsed or otherwise approved by Archie Comic Publications, Inc. (”ACP”), its agents, successors or assigns, or any of the residents of Riverdale (fictional or otherwise). To the contrary, this work constitutes poorly executed parody. The following interview between a fictional comic book character and an equally fictitious reporter for a faux-news website with a readership of eleven (”Food Court Lunch”) is wholly fabricated, completely unofficial, and in no way endorsed by the good folks at ACP. For greater certainty, the authors of this post did NOT actually conduct an interview with the character “Reggie Mantle” or his fictional agents or representatives. Moreover, the portrayal of Reggie Mantle as a habitual user of narcotics and/or alcohol is wholly without foundation in fact, as are the allusions to his sexual conduct. To our knowledge, the comic book character ”Reggie” has never used illicit substances (recreational or otherwise), nor has he engaged in the sexual acts attributed to him below. To be clear, Reggie does not actually exist. He is a fictional creation who lives in the comic book pages of an ACP publication, in the fictional town of Riverdale (not to be confused with Riverdale, Maryland; Riverdale, Ontario; or Riverdale, Alberta). Accordingly, comic book Reggie is not capable of conducting an interview or otherwise communicating with the staff of Food Court Lunch (notwithstanding our repeated efforts to contact him). In the event that any of our younger readers are confused (i.e., Jimmy from Regina, Saskatchewan), please be advised that we have (sadly) not managed to bridge the gap between fiction and reality in some Neverending Story-esque scenario that somehow enabled us to interact with the magical world of comics. Comic book Reggie was not asked the questions that follow, nor did he give the answers thereto that have been attributed to him. As the lawyers for ACP were kind enough to point out to us, ACP has forged a bond of trust with its young, impressionable readers and their parents. We at Food Court Lunch do not wish to interfere with this sacred bond. Also, to be absolutely clear, everything else published on this website is a complete lie (and also poorly executed). Enjoy!

Hey there, entertainment fans! Welcome back to another installment of Catching up with…, where we take a trip down memory lane with one of your favourite stars of yesteryear! Last time, we checked in with our good friend Newton from The Mighty Hercules (and make sure to read ’til the end of this week’s edition for a special update).  This week, we’ve got a real treat for you: Reggie Mantle!  From Archie Comics fame!

We caught up with the former big man on campus at Riverdale High at his downtown Manhattan law office (and other places), where we chatted about work, college and, of course, the ol’ gang!  It was pretty wild!  Join us, won’t you (won’t you join us?), as Food Court Lunch Catches Up With…Reggie Mantle, teen icon for the ages!

How are you doing?
Great, man!  Just GREAT!  Woooo!

You seem quite excited for this early on a Tuesday.
Is it Tuesday? Wow, man, I completely lost track of the days.  What a month!

You’ve been busy, I take it?
You mean you didn’t hear?  We closed the Horizon/Technicworks deal this morning.  Fourth biggest merger in the wireless communications industry ever.  God!  What a RUSH!

Congratulations, that sounds like a big accomplishment.
You don’t even know how big.  I billed 330 hours this month. (stares at interviewer)

That’s…good?
Uh, yeah.  I’d say so.  At my billing rate?

So…
Aren’t you going to ask what my billing rate is?

Um…
$700 an hour.

Wow.  So, how long have you been a corporate lawyer?
I’m in my seventh year right now.  I’m up for partnership next year. (whispers) But between you and me, it’s a done deal.

You know I’m taping this, right?
Jes’ fine.

I want to ask you about…
(jumps out of seat) NYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I am riding HIGH! (pauses) Excuse me for a second?

Um, okay.

(Mantle leaves the room.  He comes back a few minutes later.  He has light perspiration on his forehead, his eyes are wide and his pupils dilated.  He seems unable to sit still.)

Mantle: (sniff) So, where were we?

You were telling me about your career.
Right!  Right!  Well, ask a question, numbnuts.  I’m an open book.

When did you decide you wanted to go to law school?
Um…after college?

Well, yes, but…
HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding, budso.  I did a psych degree, but let’s just say the job offers weren’t going to suit my…desired lifestyle.  (points to picture on the wall of him standing next to a BMW 335i)

Very nice car.
You bet it is.  (serious) I call her “Ronnie”.

I see.  Now, I understand you went to college on a football scholarship?
And track.

But you lost the scholarship, right?
I didn’t lose anything.  I quit.

Really? I heard rumours of disciplinary issues…
What rumours?  Look, I don’t care what you heard, okay?  I’m telling you what happened.  Me and the coach didn’t see eye to eye, so I decided to leave the team.  End of story.

You mean ‘teams’.
Whatever.  Besides, it was college, man.  I was taking advantage of all it had to offer, if you catch my drift. 

Women?
Yeah.  Lots of women.

Speaking of which, would you care to set the record straight on those rumoured indecent exposure charges?
WHOA!  What charges? Where are you getting all this stuff, man?  

I found an editorial in your college newspaper’s archives: “Athletic Department Secretly Covers Up “Little Reggie” Scandal”…
(angry) Yeah, well, did you read the retraction three days later?

Yes, but…
But nothing.  All lies.  Ask me what the girl that wrote that is doing today.  Nothing, that’s what.

She quoted a number of different sources in her piece…
Enough!  I can’t believe my assistant didn’t tell me you planned to ask about this.  She was supposed to screen the questions.

I never spoke to your assistant.
What?  She didn’t call you? (yells into hall) Lisa! Get in here!

(woman enters room)

Woman: Lisa isn’t here.  I’m temping here today.

Mantle: Goddamnit!  Where is she?

Woman: I heard she quit or something…

Why did she quit? 
Woman: (stares nervously at Mantle) Um…

Mantle: Hey! You are supposed to be asking me the questions!  And I thought this story was supposed to be a puff piece! You know, show everybody how good I was doing? 

But three different women came forward… 
ENOUGH!  Next question.

Alright, I’ll move on.
Good.  (snaps pencil)…Excuse me for a second.

Um, okay.

(Mantle leaves the room again.  He returns a few minutes later.  He is now noticeably perspiring, and a trickle of blood escapes his left nostril.)

Alright.  Al-RIGHT!  Feelin’ GOOD!  Say, you want to grab a drink?

But it’s 10:30 in the morning…
C’mon, I know a place that’s open.  Grab your coat.  Let’s go let’s go let’s go!

***

(Thirty-five minutes later. Strip club.)

Mantle: Two more jack and cokes over here!

Um, is this a typical Tuesday for you?
HAHAHAHAHA! You are hilarious, brah! C’mon, let me buy you a lap dance.

No thank you. I’d like to get back to the interview.
Alright, alright. Go ahead.  Jesus.

Do you keep in touch with any of the old gang?
(serious) No.

 

No?
What did I just say?

Any particular reason?
Man, fuck those guys.

Sounds like there’s some bitterness.
Why would I be bitter? I’m making 500 grand a year, living in the City, I’ve got more women than I can shake my stick at…

“A” stick?
Huh?

Did you mean “shake a stick at”?
That’s what I said.  [Ed. note: no, it wasn’t] Point is, they should be bitter towards me.

They don’t seem to be.
(perks up) Why?  Who did you talk to?

Archie Andrews.
(disappointed) Oh.  Carrot Top.  What’d he say?

He sounded like he was doing great, and told me to wish you all the best.
Yeah, great.

He and Betty seem to be doing very well.  They have three kids…
Well, whoopity fuckin’ doo for them.

Veronica and…
(spins around quickly) Did you talk to her?

No.
(very interested) Sorry, what were you going to say?

I was going to ask about her engagement to Alexander Cabot III…
(angry) WHAT?  Where did you hear that?

It was in this weekend’s New York Times…
Bullshit.  You’re lying.

I’m not lying. 
(pauses)  No, you’re LYING!  Why would she marry that creep…? 

Well, they do come from two very powerful families.
(silence)

Reggie?
(quietly) I can’t believe it.

You two used to date in high school, didn’t you?
(stern) We were engaged.

Really?  I wasn’t aware of that.
Yeah, well, there’s a lot you don’t know, sport.

 

Do you mind if I ask what happened?
(deep sigh) She called it off.

Really? Why?
(silence)

Reggie?
(pounds fist on table) Fucking Dilton…

Dilton?  Dilton Doiley?
Do you know any other Diltons?

Well, I certainly know of the billionaire inventor who came up with the cream that adds three to four inches of length.
Extendatril.  Believe me, I’ve heard of it.

Did she leave you for him?
What?  No.

What then?
(silence)

Reggie?
Can you keep a secret?

Again, I’ve got the tape recorder on…
It was our senior year.  Veronica and I were supposed to get married before we went off to college.  I was on cloud fuckin’ NINE, man.  Five varsity letters, top ten percent of the class academically, engaged to the hottest girl in school.

What happened?
Awww, there were these…(pauses)…rumours going around school that Dilton was inventing something in his lab.  Something that, you know, could add…

You were concerned about the size of your penis?
Whoa, whoa there, buddy.  Let’s get one thing straight.  I was well above average, okay?  Ask anyone on the football team.

I’ll take your word for…wait, did you say ‘was’…?
It’s just that…with my wedding night coming up, I wanted to make sure our first time was…extra special.

Oh, so you were a virgin?
We both were.  I mean, it was Riverdale.  I never even heard a swear word until I went to college.

Go on.
Anyway, I kept asking Dilton about it, but he said that it was “far from ready”, that it “needed more testing”.  But I thought he was just being overly cautious.  And I was nervous about my wedding night, so…

So…
So…(sigh)…I broke into his lab one night and tried the stuff.  Only…

Only…
He was right.  It wasn’t ready.

What happened?
(silence)

Reggie?
(to self) It burned so much…

What happened?
(head in hands) Even the doctor vomited…

Reggie? 
(gathers self) You know what?  Fuck it, man. If you don’t want a dance, I’m going to get one myself.  (to an experienced looking stripper) Hey, you!  Get over here!

Stripper: What ‘chu want, sugar? You gonna let Prius give you a dance?

Mantle: Yeah.  YEAH!

Stripper: Ooh, you’re a frisky one, ain’t cha? (starts dancing)

But, the interview…?

Mantle: Wooooo!  WOOOOOO! 

Prius: Alright, sugar, don’t get too excited.

Maybe I should go…

Prius: AHHHHHHHHH!

What the…

Prius:  Put that away, you creep!

Mantle (exposed): LOOK AT IT!

Prius: What the hell is wrong with…oh…oh GOD.  What the hell is that?

Mantle: (sobbing) Look at it…

Prius: Darrell!  Darrell!  Oh god, I’m going to puke…(vomits)

(A large man runs over to the table)

Darrell: What the hell is going on over here? (sees Mantle) JESUS!  That is nasty!  What kind of sick freak are you?

Mantle: (irate and manic) WHO ARE YOU CALLING A FREAK, YOU MONGOLOID LOOKING…

***

(Thirty minutes later. Sitting on the curb outside an alley. Mantle returns from the alleyway, zipping up his pants.  The front of his shirt is covered in blood.)

Mantle: Sorry, I had to take a leak.

You should probably get your nose looked at.
(sombre) It’s fine.

It doesn’t look fine.  How many times did he hit you?
(sobbing)

So much blood…
(screams) VERONICAAAAAAAA! We should be together!

And vomit.  Blood and vomit…
(sobbing) I’m the same man, damnit!  I loved you…you…you HUSSY!

We should probably end this here.
(pulls out a small pipe.  Packs a white rock-like substance into the end.)

Where did you get that?
(pulls out lighter. Holds flame under end of pipe.)

Wait a minute…what were you doing in that alley?
Oh-oh god…oh…OH GOD!

Yeah, let’s call it a day.  Congrats again on…on closing that deal.
(eyes roll back in head)

***

And there you have it, folks! Reggie Mantle, that loveable loudmouth, now a hot shot M&A lawyer living large in the big city.  And he’s still single…are you listening, female readers?

We hope you enjoyed this latest installment of Catching up with…!  Come back next time as we take another trip down memory lane with one of your favourites from days gone by! 

BONUS: Remember that Newton update we promised you? Well, it turns out the saucy centaur has landed back on his feet (all four of them!) and gotten back into acting.   His films are a little more “adult” than what we’re used to seeing him in.  And I’m not sure how to categorize the subgenre, because technically he’s only half-horse.  But, his last movie co-starred Dustin Diamond! Say, I wonder if he’s available…

Anyway, another time.  TNTL!*

*Til Next Time, Lunchers!