(Recording studio. New York City, New York)

Cameron: Jay! Good to see you, man. Thanks for coming in.

Jay-Z: ‘Sup, man. Good to be here.

Cameron: So, I don’t know how much your people told you about what we’re doing here today.

Jay-Z: L’il bit.

Cameron: Okay, well, we’ve been recording a benefit song featuring some of the most prominent, but also some of the most socially conscious, hip-hop artists in the game. Our goal is to raise awareness and hopefully some money for infant children in Africa who are living with AIDS. So far we’ve brought in L’il Wayne, Kanye, Talib, Common and Mos Def, and they each laid down their own verse. Now we just need yours to wrap it all up.

Jay-Z: Saving the best for last, baby. I feel you.

Cameron: Heh heh. Exactly. So, I’m just going to head back into the booth, hit the beat, and you start whenever you’re ready.

Jay-Z: Man, I’m always ready. Give me those cans. (puts on headphones)

Cameron: (in booth) Alright then. It’s on you, Jay.

(Beat starts)

Jay-Z: Alright. Here we go, now. Hov batting clean-up. Now watch me bring ‘em home:

I lay tracks like Chinese slaves
Get head for days
At a time, to unwind, catch weak shit like Willie Mays
Throw it back at ya
I’m your motherfuckin’ mastah
Jay remains top the game, I’m LED, you barely plasma
Because you broke, bitch
And you a joke, bitch
If you was any less a man than you would grow tits
And you can suck…

(Beat stops)

Cameron: Uh, Jay?

Jay-Z: Shit, man, I was killin’ that. What’d you stop rolling for?

Cameron: Sorry about that. No doubt that was tight. And far be it for me to interfere with a master at work. It’s just that…um…we were kind of going with a different feel for this track.

Jay-Z: What’chu mean?

Cameron: Well, we’re recording this song for the kids, you know?

Jay-Z: What kids?

Cameron: The, um, children in Africa living with AIDS?

Jay-Z: Oh, shit, that’s right. Say no more, professor. I feel you. Hit me up with that beat again.

Cameron: Great. (beat starts) Any time you’re ready, Jay. Just think about the kids.

Jay-Z: Alright now. This one’s for all my l’il African babies with AIDS out there! It’s your boy Jigga. Little gift for y’all. Just don’t be Somali piratin’ my shit. Heh. One time:

Ding ding ding
Here come the King
Of the world
Boys and girls
Girls and boys
Make some noise
I’m visiting y’all in Africa, while I laugh at ya,
Riding in on the Concorde that you can’t afford
Takin’ off them models’ Ts like my name was Henry Ford
They stopped flying it, so I’m buying it
And filling it with stewardesses so I’ll be mile-highing it
They say ‘fasten up your seatbelts’ while I’m undoing they blouses
While you sub-Saharan faggots watch me quiet as mouses
You wanna step to Jay? Your weak shit ends today
I will put you in the ground like Quday and Usay…

Cameron: Okay, okay, hold on.

(Beat stops)

Jay-Z: Man, there you go again. What was wrong with that one?

Cameron: It’s just…Jay, you’re being very aggressive in that song, and it sounds like the aggression is directed towards the children. Remember, these are babies. Babies with AIDS!

Jay-Z: Hmm.

Cameron: And making light of the fact that they’re poor is not…this song is supposed to be raising awareness about their plight!

Jay-Z: Ohhhhhhhhhh. Okay, man, I think I got you. The song’s not supposed to be for the kids. It’s supposed to be about them. To help them.

Cameron: Exactly.

Jay-Z: Well that ain’t what you said before. I just thought I was supposed to be delivering them a hot new Jay track, free of charge. I didn’t know you wanted me to get all political.

Cameron: Well, I apologize if I was unclear.

Jay-Z: No sweat, man. Do me a favour - hit my beat again, and let’s do this one for real.

Cameron: Awesome, Jay. Thanks for being so understanding. This is going to make a big difference to a lot of kids.

(Beat starts)

Jay-Z: (kisses crucifix around neck) Some words of wisdom for all my young ones who be hurting out there. Coming straight from the heart now. Here we go:

I been there, little baby, so I know what it means
To get burned taking your turn on a baby bitch who wasn’t clean
You keep a rubber in your pamper on the side that they don’t wipe
But that shit dulls all the fun of laying itty bitty pipe
So you threw that shit aside and you went and kicked it raw
And you weren’t hurting anybody and you weren’t breaking any law
But now you buggin, bud, cuz you got the bug in your blood
That pussy habit was a rabbit that you chased liked Elmer Fudd
Your johnson’s all burned up like it was Rome and she was Nero
On October twenty-seventh I dropped DJ Hero
Now Jay ain’t got to wear a rubber cause my girl she’s fresh and clean
But I know them groupie girls in Africa got the shit to turn your dick green
So take a lesson from Jay - put the l’il pistol away
And focus your time and your mind on getting your shit straight
Take the pills them doctors tell you and e’rything will be right
And oh yeah, I’m retiring again
Good night

(Slams microphone on the ground)

(Beat stops)

Jay-Z: Now that was it, baby!

Cameron: …

Jay-Z: Speechless, ain’t cha?

Cameron: I…I…

Jay-Z: Thought so. Man, press that shit. I’m out. You’re welcome.

(Jay-Z exits studio)

Cameron: (picks up phone) Hey, Russell? I’d say about one usable line. Well, it’s either that or tell him he’s been cut. Me? Why do I have to…alright, fine. Fine! (hangs up, dials number) Hey Jay? Yeah, it’s Cameron. Listen, good news and bad news. The good news is, uh, they found a cure for babies with AIDS. Yep. I know, amazing. The bad news, obviously, is that there is no need to release the…what’s that? Um, I’m not sure. I think it was an Australian drug company. Uh, yeah, I guess they would be a good investment. I-I don’t know if they’re listed on the NYSE…