(Multiplex, downtown Toronto. Chris Bosh, Andrea Bargnani, Hedo Turkoglu and Jose Calderon arrive for a showing of Avatar)

Bosh: Here, man, there’s four seats right back here.

Bargnani: I wanna to sit on dee end.

Bosh: Why do you get to sit on the end?

Bargnani: Because I have the longest-ah legs, that’s-ah why!

Turkoglu: GRAAARRRGHHH!

Bosh: Fine, whatever. Jose, move down one.

Guy in Front: Hey! Keep it down back there!

Bosh: (whispering) Keep it down, guys.

Jose: (whispering) Ooh! Even the previews are in 3D! Quickly, everyone, put on your glasses!

(All put on 3D glasses)

Bargnani: What is-ah the name of this-ah movie?

Bosh: Avatar.

Bargnani: Avatar? Like-ah the cheese?

Turkoglu: GLAAAGGH!

Bargnani: You’re right, Hedo. I was thinking about-ah the Havarti.

Jose: Christopher? Do you like some of my popcorn?

Bosh: Naw, I’m good, thanks.

Bargnani: Give some to me!

(Grabs huge handful of Jose’s popcorn)

Jose: Hey! Not so much!

Bargnani: Whadda you gonna do about it?

Guy in front: Man, I said shut up back there!

(All fall silent, stare at floor)

Jose: (whispering) What do you try to do, Andrea? Make us all to get killed?

Bargnani: (throws piece of popcorn at Jose)

Turkoglu: GLLUUUUNNNKK?

Bosh: James Cameron. Same guy that did Titanic.

Turkoglu: GRRRARRRRP!

Bosh: Sorry, thought you asked who directed it. I’m not sure who did the cinematography.

Bargnani: This-ah reminds me of-ah the Smurfs.

Bosh: Y’all had the Smurfs growing up in Italy?

Bargnani: Of course. They was actually very close-ah friends witta my family.

Bosh: Who?

Bargnani: Whadda do you mean ‘who’? The Smurfs.

Bosh: Now I know you’re bullshitting. The Smurfs weren’t real.

Bargnani: Do you call Bargnani a liar?

Turkoglu: BLLLUNNNCCCHHH!

Bargnani: No, you are the name-dropper!

Jose: (stretching hand out in front of him) Ooh! I can almost touch the spaceship! (accidentally pokes Guy in front in back of head) Oops!

Guy in front: THAT’S IT!

(Guy in front stands up. He is a thirteen-year-old kid, approximately 5′4, 105 lbs.)

Jose: Gulp.

Kid in front: Which one of you head-pokin’-can’t-shut-the-fuck-up-motherfuckers is gonna be a dead man?

Bargnani: (crouched behind seat) It was heem! (points to Jose)

Jose: Snitch!

Bosh: I’m just going to hit the concession stand, guys, I’ll be right back.

Kid: Yeah, you better run.

Bosh: (walking away) Shit, man, Chris Bosh doesn’t run from anybody. Didn’t you see that one time against the Celtics where KG screamed in my face and I rolled my eyes dismissively at him? Is that something a guy who runs away would… (voice trails off as Bosh quickly exits theatre)

Kid: (to Jose) So what do you got to say for yourself, hombre?

Jose: (clenches fists) Y-you is nothing but a big bully, sir!

Kid: So do something about it.

Turkoglu: PLLLAAAANNNK!

Kid: (to Turkoglu) What? Say that again! I dare you to ask when my parents are picking me up again!

Jose: Leave my friend Hedo alone!

Turkoglu: STRAACCCCHHH!

Kid: Oh, that’s it. (advances towards Turkoglu)

Jose: Hey! If you want to fight him, you must pass through Jose first! (gets down in defensive stance)

Kid: Fine.

(Kid puts a spin move on Jose. Jose instantly crumples to the floor)

Jose: Gasp! Él es un guepardo!

(Kid picks Turkoglu up over his shoulders and starts spinning him)

Turkoglu: (panicked) RAAAARRRP! RAAAAARRRP!

Jose: (holding ankle) There is no Amir here to save us, Hedo! Pretend that you are dead!

Bargnani: (puts 3D glasses back on) Heh heh heh. The old one is like-ah the Papa Smurf! (grabs Jose’s popcorn, continues watching movie crouched on floor)

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Sidenote: Do you like Twitter? Do you like too many jokes about unicorns? Well than this is your lucky day!