Wed 23 Dec 2009
Adding insight to the world’s headlines since 2007

John Kerry’s Wife Says She’s Fighting Breast Cancer; Fox News Skeptical
Here go those Democrats again with all of their whining and crackpot theories about ‘cancer’ and ‘metastasizing blastomas’. Sheesh.

Schumacher Confirms Return to F1; Finds Wife and Family ‘Boring’
Nobody’s asking, but Ralf is enjoying retirement quite nicely, thank you very much.

60-Pound Beaver Attacks Boy as Fake Headline Writer Struggles for Punchline
We’ll just leave that one up to the masses.

Homeless Vaccinated Against H1N1, Urged to Find Homes
With H1N1 out of the way, all that’s left to tackle is the three-headed Hydra of crippling addictions, mental illness and the breakdown of social security.

Men’s Ears, Noses ordered Cut Off by Maniacal Otolaryngologist
Strangely, their throats were spared.

Got a Sticky Situation on Your Hands? Handling a Bad Gift from Boyfriend
Just do me a favour and don’t use the nice towels, okay? Those are for guests.

Prince William Homeless? Nope, Not Even
Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for a member of the Royal family spending a night living among homeless people whilst heavily-armed bodyguards look on anxiously in order to raise awareness of the plight of homeless people. Oh wait a second. I’m actually not in favour of that.

Blackberry Users Struggle with Email Outage, Direct Human Contact
And no, in case you were wondering, the Blackberry outage was not the cause of the dearth of Food Court Lunch posts this week. The real cause? Last minute preparations for the World Junior Hockey Tournament, naturally.
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
John Kerry’s Wife Says She’s Fighting Breast Cancer: Teresa Heinz hopes she can catch up on treatments and beat this horrible disease.
The real cause? Last minute preparations for the World Junior Hockey Tournament, naturally.
Tell me about it, and why do so many people have to buy hand moisturizer this time of the year?
It’s alright if you can’t come up for a headline for the 60lb beaver story, just watch ANTM and you’ll think of something.
December 23rd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
A Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro could probably fix a nicotine craving in a heartbeat.
I could think of another use for that one handed pillow. Afterwards I would need one of those fancy Marlboro’s
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:26 pm
And that beaver was Winona’s.
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Handling a Bad Gift from Boyfriend - Tough times in Blue Menu’s household?
Men’s ears, noses cut off - Oh nose!
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:15 pm
60-Pound Beaver Attacks Boy; Jerry Mathers Refuses to Let AIDS Diminish His Hatred For Children
December 24th, 2009 at 10:55 am
” ‘They didn’t believe it was a beaver. They thought it was a raccoon,’ Lane said.
However, Lane’s boyfriend took a photo of the beaver after he beat it with a crowbar. ”
Sentences like these make it worth coming to work on Christmas Eve. Thanks KOCO5!