I completely regret my high school yearbook quote. Instead of taking the time to write something funny, witty or provocative, I procrastinated and ended up submitting something that consisted of friends’ initials, in-jokes and a bunch of references that I don’t even understand know. I shit the bed. Given that I fucked that one up, I would hate to think about how badly I would mess up my last words if I was being executed. If I had killed someone, I would hope that I would go one of two ways: eloquently remorseful or completely bad-ass. However, more realistically, I would likely say something like:

“Hey, what’s that smell? Oh, me!!!! Snap crackle popz!!! LOL!!!! Miss you ST, RS, AB, and the rest of Cell Block B! B-Boyz RuleZZZZZZ!!! See ya on the flipzide, brothas!”

If only there was a compilation of death row inmates’ last words out there on the internet…of course there’s a compilation of death row inmates’ last words out there on the internet. Guess the state. If you didn’t guess “Texas”, you are likely either an immigrant or a jealous Floridian. Either way, you will be shot if you even set foot in the Lone Star state. Yup, Texas has put together a helpful collection of the final utterances of the condemned. Here is the Food Court Lunch guide to categorizing these statements:  

 

THE “SHORT AND SWEET”

Bobby Wayne Woods:

“Bye. I’m ready.”

THE “SHORTER AND SWEETER”

Kenneth Mosley:

“…” [No Statement Given]

THE “IT WAS EITHER THOSE GUYS OR THE BLACK GORILLA FAMILY”

Robert Lee Thompson*:

“Yes, I bear witness that there is no God, but Allah. From Allah we came and from Allah we will return. To my mother, friends I would like to thank you for all that you have done for me. For you love. This is another testimony of faith. We all have to walk this path. Smile, be happy don’t cry. To the family of any victims, As-Salaam Alaikum, unto Allah I belong, unto Allah we return. I just want you to know that I never meant any of your family to get hurt. I hope you forgive me. I know Allah will forgive me, Allah is the forgiver. Go ahead Warden. I love you, love you too.”

* A black guy named Robert Lee? His parents obviously weren’t Civil War Historians.

THE “LAST MINUTE SEMINAR ON LETHAL INJECTION”

Reginald Blanton:

Yes I do. I know ya’lls pain, believe me I shed plenty of tears behind Carlos. Carlos was my friend. I didn’t murder him. This what is happening right now is an injustice. This doesn’t solve anything. This will not bring back Carlos. Ya’ll fought real hard here to prove my innocence. This is only the beginning. I love each and everyone dearly. Dre, My queen. I love you. Yaws, Junie I love yall. Stay strong, continue to fight. They are fixing to pump my veins with a lethal drug the American Veterinary Association won’t even allow to be used on dogs. I say I am worse off than a dog. They want to kill me for this; I am not the man that did this. Fight on. I will see ya’ll again. That’s all I can say.

THE “L’IL WAYNE PRE-SONG SHOUT-OUT”

Christopher Coleman:

“Yes, Ain’t no way fo’ fo’, I Love all yall.”

THE “CURIOUS EDDIE MURPHY MOVIE REFERENCE”

Derrick Johnson:

“Don’t cry, it’s my situation. I got it. Hold tight, It’s going to shine on the golden child. Hold tight. I love you , I’m through with my statement.”

THE “TRICKY COMBO OF HALF-ASSED CONFESSION AND HALF-ASSED DENIAL”

Willie Pondexter:

“Well, first I want to say. They may execute me but they can’t punish me because they can’t execute an innocent man. I am not mad. Jack Herrington, I am not mad. You were given a job to do but that’s neither here nor there. I am not mad. I am disappointed by the courts. I feel like I was upset and let down by them. But that’s O.K. I just played the hand that life dealt me. Look at my life and learn from it. I am very remorseful about what I did. I apologize. To my kids, Daddy loves you. Irene Wilcox, Thank you. It’s been a long journey. Thank you for being there. Tell Jack hello. I know I am wrong but I am asking ya’ll to forgive me.”

THE “APPARENTLY CO-WRITTEN BY LINKIN PARK”

Johnny Johnson:

“The Polunsky dungeon should be compared with the Death Row Community as existing not living. Why do I say this, the Death Row is full of isolated hearts and suppressed minds. We are filled with love looking for affection and a way to understand. I am a Death Row resident of the Polunsky dungeon. Why does my heart ache. We want pleasure love and satisfaction. It. The walls of darkness crushed in on me. Life without meaning is life without purpose. But the solace within the Polunsky dungeon, the unforgivesness within society, the church Pastors and Christians. It is terrifying. Does anyone care or who I am. Can you feel me people. The Polunsky dungeon is what I call the pit of hopelessness. The terrifying thing is the US is the only place, country that is the only civilized country that is free that says it will stop murder and enable justice. I ask each of you to lift up your voices to demand an end to the Death Penalty. If we live, we live to the Lord. If we die we die to the Lord. Christ rose again, in Jesus name. Bye Aunt Helen, Luise, Joanna and to all the rest of yall. You may proceed Warden. (began singing)”

THE “VAUDEVILLE COMEDIAN SEGUEING INTO ‘THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMMM’”

Dale Scheanette:

“Is the mic on? My only statement is that no cases have ever tried have been error free. Those are my words. No cases are error free. You may proceed Warden.”

THE “IF YOU TOOK THE STAND IN YOUR OWN DEFENCE, I CAN SEE WHY YOU ARE NOW BEING EXECUTED”

Virgil Martinez:

“Yes I do. Um Abel, Love ya’ll, Evelyn love ya’ll, Armando and Delia I love ya’ll. Do what I told you and you will see me one day. Do that and promise me.

First, Veronica’s sister. I know what you’ve been told and that’s all a lie. John Gomez killed your kids and sister. I know ya’ll love John Gomez but he was a violent man. I wish I would have shot him in the leg, then he would be here. Those investigators were just trying to convict somebody. My gun had a hair trigger. Veronica told me to come and get my herb book and she went to the back of the closet. Her kids had asthma and I lent her the book. She said she would give it to me next time. She didn’t want to break up, we still talked. She told me to come over. John Gomez said Veronica does not have the money for your book so don’t come over. Me being a hot shot I went over there and I had my gun. I had children and nephews where I lived so I had to keep my gun in my truck for self defense. Veronica invited me in her house, the kids were still awake fixing to go to bed. I put the gun under my shirt and said Hi to Josh and Cassandra. John Gomez was there he told Veronica that “he doesn’t love you” I didn’t care.”

THE “APPARENTLY HE TOOK PUBLIC SPEAKING TIPS FROM VIRGIL MARTINEZ”

Gregory Wright: 

“Yes I do. There has been a lot of confusion on who done this. I know you all want closure. Donna had her Christianity in tact when she died. She never went to a drug house. John Adams lied. He went to the police and told them a story. He made deals and sold stuff to keep from going to prison. I left the house, and I left him there. My only act or involvement was not telling on him. John Adams is the one that killed Donna Vick. I took a polygraph and passed. John Adams never volunteered to take one. I have done everything in my power. Donna Vick helped me; she took me off the street. I was a truck driver; my CDL was still active. Donna gave me everything I could ask for. I helped her around the yard. I helped her around the house. She asked if there were anyone else to help. I am a Christian myself, so I told her about John Adam. We picked him up at a dope house. I did not know he was a career criminal. When we got to the house he was jonesin for drugs. He has to go to Dallas. I was in the bathroom when he attacked. I am deaf in one ear and I thought the T.V. was up too loud. I ran in to the bedroom. By the time I came in, when I tried to help her, with first aid, it was too late. The veins were cut on her throat. He stabbed her in her heart, and that’s what killed her. I told John Adams, “turn yourself in or hit the high road.” I owed him a favor because he pulled someone off my back. I was in a fight downtown. Two or three days later he turned on me. I have done everything to prove my innocence. Before you is an innocent man. I love my famly. I’ll be waiting on ya’ll. I’m finished talking.”  

THE ”OBLIGATORY TUPAC REFERENCE”  

Kenneth Parr:

“Can ya’ll hear me? Tell my family that I love ya’ll. Joe, Tim, everybody - keep your head up. I love you.” 

THE “PERHAPS THIS DETAIL SHOULD HAVE COME OUT EARLIER, BUT IT’S STILL PROBABLY WORTH MENTIONING”

Patrick Knight:

“Yes, I do.  I thank the Lord for giving me my friends, for getting me the ones I love.  Lord reach down and help innocent men on death row.  Lee Taylor needs help, Bobby Hines, Steve Woods.  Not all of us are innocent, but those are.  Cleve Foster needs help.  Melyssa, I love you girl.  I know I wasn’t going to say anything, but I’ve got to.  Jack, Irene, Danny, Doreen, I love you guys.  I said I was going to tell a joke.  Death has set me free.  That’s the biggest joke, I deserve this.  And the other joke is I am not Patrick Bryan Knight, and ya’ll can’t stop this execution now.  Go ahead, I’m finished.  Come on, tell me Lord.  I love you Melyssa, take care of that little monster for me.” 

THE “HUNGOVER EMPLOYEE CALLED UPON TO SPEAK AT A MEETING”

James Clark:

“Uh, I don’t know, Um, I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know.  (pauses)  I didn’t know anybody was there.  Howdy.”

THE “YEAH, I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S WHAT I’D DO, TOO”

Joseph Nichols:

[Profanity directed toward staff.]

THE “YOU KNOW, AT LEAST YOU COULD’VE GOT THE SPELLING RIGHT. THESE ARE MY LAST WORDS”  

James Jackson:

“You know, once upon a time diamonds were priceless.  I never knew until I ran across my own.  I just want Eve to know that.  One of these days I’m going to return and get that for myself.  Thank you to my family, I love you.  Each and every one of you.  This is not the end, but the beginning of a new chapter for you and I together forever.  I love you all.  Remember what I told you Brad.  Ms. Irene, God bless you, I love you.  See you on the other side.  Warden, murder me.  Saddam and Gomorrah which is Harris County.”

Man, that was a shitload of executions. And I only went back to 2007.  There’s like 400 of them since 1982. That has to be overkill. I am of two minds about these executions. Some of the final statements were pretty gut-wrenching, but then I read what they had done and my opinion changed to a fairly forceful “meh”, particularly given the fact that no innocent man has ever been executed in Texas. Thank god we don’t have to deal with this in Canada. We just leave our murderers on ice floes. If the polar bears get them, so be it. If they survive, they become warrior kings of the north and fend off the first wave of Russian assault troopers. It’s a win-win.

Author’s note: One interesting thing I noticed was that there are only three ethnic choices for executed murderers: black, white and Hispanic. If I hang out in Texas, I’m going to make sure it’s with a South Asian dude. Unless it’s the South Asian dudes who make up most of the victims. Shit, I think I will just avoid Texas entirely.