In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the professional athletes, who perpetrate the crimes, and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. Dun-DUN!

Traffic Laws: NFL’s Chris Henry Fights for Life After Fall From Truck

What’s the crime here, you say? Perhaps squandering God-given athletic talent? Fathering multiple children out of wedlock? No, you sanctimonious bastard: the crime is riding in the back of a pickup truck on an interstate highway without suitable restraints, contrary to North Carolina’s Highway Traffic Code.  Hopefully Henry survives and we can just look back on this incident as another episode in his quest to make every facet of his life a “domestic incident”.

UPDATE: Oh boy.  CNN is now reporting that Chris Henry succumbed to his injuries.  This has officially been downgraded from a “domestic incident” to a “tragic incident”.  Sad.

Aggravated Assault to the Heart: Halladay-Lee 4-Team Blockbuster Deal Completed

It may not be a felony, but for Blue Jays fans this certainly feels a lot like somebody just broke into our house and stole the Christmas tree.  Sniff…

Getting Your Drink on Whilst Driving: Weems Facing DUI Charge

At first I read this headline and thought “Oh My God! Sonny Weems charged with a DUI?  There goes the Raptors season.”  But turns out it was Eric Weems, a receiver for a football outfit called the ‘Atlanta Falcons’.  God, if they reported every DUI in the NHL, there’d be no room for ads in the newspaper.

International Law: Sweden Angry at Tiger Woods

Foreign affairs minister Bjorn Dvaeger is reportedly pursuing sanctions against Woods for his marital indiscretions, including (i) flagellation with a cedar bough/sauna confinement; (ii) the “IKEA Maze Torture”; and (iii) lethal meatball injection.

Problems With the Ladies: ESPN Beauty Wants Maximum Sentence for Stalker

So, to recap: you’re merely supposed to be titillated by Erin Andrews, people - not compelled to drive across state lines to rig peepholes in multiple hotels and then broadcast the images for all to see on the internet.  Let’s chalk it up as a lesson learned.

 Worldwide Cults: Olympic Torch Relay Passes Through Toronto

You know what else is passing through Toronto right now? Apathy about the Olympics.  Perhaps fueled by the fact that a full 95 percent of the people chosen to carry the torch were local sports reporters.  On the plus side, I’d be interested to see if it is physically possible for a radio sports guy to jog for 1 kilometre.

Antitrust Law: Bettman to Leafs: There is No Veto

For those of you who don’t follow hockey closely (i.e., Americans), here’s a summary of the issues:

(i) Pursuant to a deal Harold Ballard made with the devil in the 1980s, the owners of the Maple Leafs were given a licence to print money; (ii) There are at least 3 Canadian metropolitan areas that could support NHL teams, including the Greater Toronto Area, BUT (iii) US TV revenues are the real nut that Bettman and the current owners are chasing, AND (iv) US TV viewers will not, under any circumstances watch Canadian teams play hockey on TV, AND (v) the owners of the Maple Leafs would sooner bludgeon Jim Balsillie with a first-generation Blackberry than allow another team in its defined market area.  So you do the math.