Danny Pintauro

AP - Less than a week after his television mom went public with the fact that she is a lesbian, the child who played Andy Keaton on the hit 80s television sitcom Family Ties has been arrested on assault charges.

Reached for comment, Danny Pintauro, 33, said, “shiiiiiitt, bitch. You done got my nasty ass all confused with my boy Brian Bonsall. Don’t fret on that, though- shit happens alllll the time.”

Pintauro was taken into custody by police in Boulder, Colorado, this past Saturday for allegedly hitting a friend in an apartment with a wooden stool.

When asked whether he planned to plead guilty, Pintauro asked, “you got wax in yo’ ears, peaches? I done told you I ain’t he.”

During his stint on Family Ties, Pintauro played the youngest of the four children in the Keaton clan, a middle class family living in Columbus, Ohio. The show won five Emmys during its seven-year run on NBC, and is credited with launching the career of Tina Yothers, who later went on to international stardom portraying pornographic film legend Linda Lovelace in the Broadway musical Lovelace: The Rock Opera.

When asked whether he still keeps in touch with Yothers, Pintauro replied, “ooh, I gets it - you jokin’ around with Baby Boy Dan now, ain’t cha? Tell you what - how’s ’bouts we quit playin’ and you pay me $200 to give you a [redacted].”

When asked what a [redacted] was, Pintauro stated that it involved, “a three-foot coil of rope, sixteen inches of [redacted], and a whole assortment of [redacted] from [redacted] all the way up to the [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] until the feathers be standing up by theyselves, baby!”

When told that was disgusting, and that even if I was interested, $200 was just a ridiculous price, Pintauro said, “then come talk to me when you get serious, baby. My times is too valuables to be wastin’ playin’ games on the phone wit’chu.”

Tina Yothers

The Pintauro arrest follows a rash of recent incidents where former child stars have been in trouble with police. MacCaulay Culkin (marijuana possession), Haley Joel Osment (DUI, marijuana possession) and Lindsay Lohan (cocaine possession, prostitution) have all in recent years found themselves on the wrong side of the law. And the phenomenon isn’t limited to former child stars; this past summer, Verne Troyer had a restraining order taken out against him by his ex-girlfriend, which is adorable.

Calls to Dana Plato for comment were not immediately returned.