An insightful look at the headlines that used to mean something

Sam Mitchell has Advice for Jay Triano: Get Out While You Can 

I have some advice for Jay Triano as well: (1) Hire Mark Aguirre as an assistant coach; and (2) maybe you shouldn’t be taking advice from Sam Mitchell.

Does Being Eldest, Middle or Baby in Your Family Determine Personality? Elementary School Speech-Writer Says Yes

No joke here.  I just remember the ‘it sucks being a middle child’ platform being very popular in the grade school public speaking circuit.

‘Staying in With the Kids’? Polanski Begins House Arrest

Get it? He’s got a taste for young tang.  Or ‘veal’, as I call it.

Continuing to Gauge the NFL in Canada; Here’s a Hint: If the Tickets are Free, We’ll Be There 

Let’s see: Seeing the Bills in Orchard Park? $55.  Seeing the Bills play on astroturf in the Rogers Centre? $250 plus $12 beers, and nary a Linda Pelligrino or Irv Weinstein to be found.  Catch the ambivalence!

Wade Phillips Wants More Respect; Alanis Morrissette on Line Two

Want more respect, Wade? Why not revert to your childhood nickname, ‘Son of Bum’?

The Brown Mile? Inmate’s Stashed ‘Shiv’ is Surgically Removed

Apparently the ruler used to measure objects recovered from anal cavities is an antique.

Insulated from Liability? Sex Abuse Church Elder ‘Too Fat For Jail‘

I fail to see the problem here.  It would seem to me that imprisoning a man this fat would be easy.  You wouldn’t need any bars on his cell; a flight of stairs is enough to keep this guy contained.

Dairy Makes Cheese That Tastes Like Christmas Cake; Tastebuds: Nice Job, You Fucking Idiots 

Next up? Yogurt that tastes like haggis!