Mon 23 Nov 2009
Here’s a question for our readers: if you are swimming in water (lake, river or ocean — not swimming pool or Mr. Turtle pool) and you have to take a dump, would you run out of the water to do it, or would you just drop your britches and go where you are wading?
I only bring this up because I recently saw a TV commercial for Dukoral*, an anti-diarrhea vaccine that they advertise on Canadian TV. The TV commercial (which for some strange reason is not on YouTube) involves someone getting out of the water with flippers on and lining up at a bathroom to take what is hyped up to be a volcanic diarrhea shit. Big Daddy Drew discussed this on Deadspin recently (which proves my theory that he is inside my head and steals all my good ideas, leaving me to write the garbage that you guys end up reading) and was on the “crap in the water” side of the debate. Still, Drew’s was a normal log, not a diarrhea shit. There’s got to be a school of thought that sees a difference between the two.
I have to think that it is worth risking a diarrhea shit in the water and the requisite downside (a liquidy oil slick chasing after you while you swim — a chocolate Exxon Valdez if you will) than risk leaving the water to take a diarrhea shit and accidentally squirting out a dump while you are running down the beach trying to find a moderately sanitary bano. This is because shitting while wearing a bathing suit would be like trying to catch chocolate milk with a strainer. It’s not going to work. You are going to end up leaving a foul trail across the sand, like Hansel and Gretel in a schiesse film.
I say fuck Dukoral’s propaganda and shit in the water.
The floor is open, folks. Try not to step in the brown stuff.
* You can find out about Dukoral at www.travellersdiarrhea.com. It’s amazing that catchy URL was not snapped up earlier.
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:01 pm
This only works if you’re playing in brown-tinged water that will successfully hide the fact that you just shit yourself, right? I mean, shitting in a pristine Jamaican waterfall will just make you look like a filthy dirtbag.
If that’s the case, I have to ask, “Why are you wading in shit-brown water in the first place?” Maybe that’s the cause of your travel diarrhea in the first place.
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I am vacationing in Hamilton, Ontario. Not all of us can afford fancy holidays. This website’s not exactly making me a rich man.
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:19 pm
In fairness to Hamilton, the brown-tinged water would probably be obscured by the flames dancing across the surface of the water.
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:27 pm
I have to disagree with you, rus, a pristine Jamaican waterfall makes for a great bede (sp?). On a related note, I am not allowed in Jamaiaca.
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:29 pm
(a liquidy oil slick chasing after you while you swim — a chocolate Exxon Valdez if you will)
BRAVO.
That’s why I read this blog.
And I vote water, as well.
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
What ever happened to Brown? I miss that guy. And you are probably making the water cleaner if it is by Hamilton.
November 23rd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Depends on the body of water.
River: go to town, since a decent current will take your crap down-river, away from you.
Lake: tough call - if it’s not windy, that shit can float around you the whole time, like a brown buoy.
Ocean: the salt water acts as a natural cleansing agent for your anus post-dump, so go for it!
Vicious, swirling whirlpool: It’s like sitting inside a toilet. And frankly, you’re about to die from drowning anyhow, so a “fright shit” is mandatory here.
November 23rd, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Basil will be writing all shit-and-water related articles for this site from now on. Congrats on the new job, Basil. We look forward to his Wednesday post: “Drinking Water: You Know People Once Shit In That, Right?”
November 23rd, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Someone hasn’t done enough shitting in the water, my friend. At camp we learned of the glorious wonders of the “aqualog”. According to as-yet-uncontradicted scientific theory, the water pressure ensures that the shit comes out as a single log - no fuss, no muss (whatever muss is).
Vive l’aqualog!!
November 24th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
At camp, we learned the the glorious wonders of Aqualung.
Jethro Tull Rulez!
November 24th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I think a very big piece of the aqueous-deuce is being overlooked here. The boquet of a shit is part-and-parcel to the shit itself. Would a shit by any other smell be as shitty?? No! Of course not!!
Anthropologists have proven, over years of published study, than men appreciate if not enjoy their own brand. If you are one who – like a proud papa – enjoys nothing more than the razor-tinged aroma of your own newly aired-out colon, then the lakeshit is not for you. It is important to note that by sinking your log, your quaff will be all but smothered out.
If you, however prefer not to smell your own calling-card, or are with a multitude of the olfactorally non-appreciative, well then you must drop trou whilst submerged. Size, shape, bathing suit configuration; these are all important to note. None, however, is of grater consideration than that of the fate of your stinky, tangy brand.