Wed 18 Nov 2009
Well, it’s official - I am old. All of my hockey heroes have now retired, leaving me a broken shell of a man living in my parents’ basement, clothed in nothing but memories (and velour). As everyone in the Great White North knows, Mr. Brendan Shanahan announced his retirement yesterday after 21 glorious seasons. I would be lying if I said I did not cry when it was announced. I would also be lying if I said I did not masturbate at work, but that is not important right now - try to stay focused.
Shanny’s retirement probably hit me harder than most, as he was the last of the hockey icons from my youth (along with Gretzky, Messier, Yzerman and Sakic). Growing up, I worshipped the ice he skated on. I remember spending an entire week begging my dad to buy a new car from Shanahan Ford in the hopes that, for some reason, Shanny might actually be on the lot selling cars that day (a reasonable assumption, as it was the off-season). Admittedly I didn’t do my research, given that I don’t believe there is actually any familial connection between the franchisees and the hockey player (aside from a distant Mick heritage), but it didn’t stop me from pestering my father incessantly. He left us the following week for a stripper named Jiggles.
I once met Shanahan at a burger joint in Etobicoke (Apache Bruger) when I was about 18 years-old (I am frankly surprised he didn’t mention our encounter during his retirement speech). His shoulders were literally wider than the length of my entire body. I know this because I leapt onto his shoulders and wrapped myself around his neck as a sign of affection… I believe our brief (but meaningful) exchange went something like this:
Me - Aren’t you Brendan Shanahan?
Shanny - Yes, I believe I am.
Me - I like you… well, I don’t “like you”, but I like the way you play hockey. But maybe if I got to know you better, this relationship could grow…
Shanny - Please don’t touch me. I don’t want to have to snap you in half.
Me - I wouldn’t mind…
Anyway, you get the picture. It was generally pretty creepy…
In closing, I offer this video homage of one of my favourite hockey players of all time. Brendan, I will be at Apache Burger all week if you want to talk about retirement…
As an added bonus, here is a reminder of how sports interviews should be conducted:
November 18th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Yeah, the cops didn’t believe me either when my explanation for having a duct taped Megan in my trunk was because I just bought the car from Fox Motors.
November 18th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
You see! This is the problem with police today. They take a perfectly innocent act, and turn it into some sort of “crime”.
I am sorry you had to go through that, Sully. Please give Megan my best.
November 18th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
This just in: SHANAHAN TO THE BUFFALO BILLS! It’s like your boyhood dreams have come true, Tao.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4667849
November 18th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I would also be lying if I said I did not masturbate at work, but that is not important right now - try to stay focused.
How the fuck am I supposed to stay focused after that shit?
Anyway, Shanny. First ballot Hall of Famer. Always wished he could have played for the Leafs one day. Thought he would have made an excellent choice for captain on the Leafs last season. You know, some leadership and direction, exactly what’s lacking on the Leafs.
Anyway, Jiggles. How is she? Did you call her “Mom”?
November 18th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
I did Spud, but she was still disappointed
November 18th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
[…] Weeks 10’s NFL Meast and Least of the week. Now with increasing sulkiness. Food Court Lunch: General Tao muses on his last remaining Hockey hero, Brendan Shanahan’s retirement. No […]
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Wow I only made it 3 min into the video before having to register in order to comment. Having someone run from you (around the 2 min mark) and your celebration of 1,000 point be a calm hand raise is what makes him-and hockey-awesome. My childhood heros are gone too-Francis (best face-off man ever), Stevens, and Lemieux (yes I’m from Pittsburgh, why do you ask?)-so I feel your pain. Shany was great.
November 22nd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
And then I saw the interview. I’m impressed the station quickly put up the “no sax on gameday” considering it was in the early 90’s; they should have been adjusting their snap bracelets-I’ll show myself out, thanks.