Mon 16 Nov 2009
Once again, we are about as organized and prepared as a virgin with ADD dropped off at a porn set. I have no idea what that means, but what I am implying is that we have again failed to put up a post. Do we just let it slide today, or do we throw up a hastily-produced screed about things that piss us off? The B-side wins again, people.
1. People on Escalators Who Stop Fucking Walking When It Almost Reaches The Top
I commute to work every day, which means a ride on the subway every morning. Every time I arrive at my final stop, I have to take the escalator. People in Toronto (at least commuters) are generally smart enough to follow basic subway escalator etiquette, which is that people who want to stand in place on the escalator stay to the right while people who want to walk up the escalator stay to the left. I usually go on the left side, because standing in place on an escalator is pretty well the height of fucking laziness. I mean, they are providing you with electric-powered stairs. To not even participate in the movement process is the first step in complete capitulation to morbid obesity. If this keeps up, the thin, stair-climbing Asian hordes will overtake our fat asses in no time at all. This is for God and Country, people. Use the legs that the Baby Jesus gave you.
Anyway, basically every morning when I am walking on the left hand side up the escalator, some fucking idiot decides to stop walking because the escalator ride is coming to an end. This means that everyone behind them has to stop, or even worse, someone doesn’t notice the trail of commuters stopping and ends up walking into the back of the person in front of them. It’s fucking infuriating. Who doesn’t have the motor skills to step off a moving escalator? It’s not like they greased the floor at the end of the escalator. You can probably do it if you, you know, JUST STEPPED AND KEPT WALKING. If you cannot handle the Fred Astaire-esque choreography of simple bi-pedal movement, maybe you should stick to the right side.
2. Women and Doors
Yes, this is entirely sexist. But, yes, this is also entirely true. If you are a guy and you are walking through a door (such as a mall entrance), you either hold the door or push it open far enough so that the person behind you can follow right behind you and push it open for the next person. It’s common courtesy. If you don’t do it, you are a complete dirtbag. This code particularly applies during morning commutes. There is a massive wave of people going in one direction, so holding the door is out of the question. Therefore, you just do your best to push the door open for the next person. But no, not women, particularly young women. These selfish bitches come to a door that’s about to close, and instead of pushing it open, rush and slide through the opening so they won’t have to exert the effort of pushing the door. The door then slams in your face as you are right behind those women and assumed that they would show a modicum of consideration by keeping the door open. I don’t even have anything funny to say about this (although this hasn’t stopped me so far). Those women can fall off a bridge. I hope they lose their hands in car door accidents. Honestly, just fucking die.
3. The Really Fat Naked Old Guy In My Gym Who Stood Under A Hand-Dryer While I Shaved
It was just awful. It was like someone had anthropomorphized a boiled potato.
November 16th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
I’d like to start marketing a line of bricks with sayings painted on them. That way, you can always have the last word in anonymous encounters with strangers. I’d suggest the, “Common courtesy, Asshole!” for most public dust-ups. Here’s how I see it going-down:
1) You are egregiously wronged by some selfish stranger out there.
2) You reach into your bag, extract the brick, and throw it at the back of the head of the offending party.
3) Said party wakes-up in the emergency room, reads the message on the brick, and resolves to tread more lightly amidst the public.
4) You rest easy knowing that you have done your part to make the world a more courteous place.
I am particularly looking forward to the stress release achieved by physically damaging another human being and the resultant gag reel
certain to be broadcast on America’s Funniest Home Videos. You get that in Canada, right?
November 16th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
“To not even participate in the movement process is the first step in complete capitulation to morbid obesity.”
My girlfriend doesnt participate in the movement process either, and yes, she is fat.
November 16th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Oh come on Sully you are just putting to much air in her.
/shows self out
November 16th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
@ rusrus:
If I end up beating a stranger to death with a “Common Courtesy” brick, would that qualify as irony?
November 16th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
My personal favourite is the shopper who gets all of the way through the cashier process before even beginning to form the mental idea that she might have to extract the requisite amount of money from her coin purse, which is in her wallet, which is in her Coach bag, before she will be entitled to leave the store with the purchased item. And they wonder why men buy groceries at the gas station.
November 16th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
…and Sully’s girlfriend’s fingers are too fat to even open the change purse. It’s like watching a bear use chopsticks.
November 16th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
After all that work at the gym to master the stairs, you better believe I’m walking up that escalator. If you got it, flaunt it.
November 16th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Also,
- people who stop at the top of the escalator, or right outside the front door of a store, and look around trying to figure out where they’re going next.
- people who stop and chat in the middle of a stairway
- everyone who walks slowly but manages to block the entire sidewalk, through the magic of diagonal movement. Why do I have to step onto the street to pass you? Fix yo internal gyroscope!
November 17th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I love the wonderfully designed stairwell at St George that has people coming off the University line completely blocking off those coming up the escalator from the Bloor line. Always a pleasant experience…
Is every gym full of creepy old guys with no self-awareness or do we all just go to the Adelaide Club?
November 17th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
HEAR HEAR!!1
November 17th, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I disagree with Beef #2, solely because of the unparalleled comedic value of seeing someone unsuccessfully try to indiana jones a closing door, only to have it close on their shoulder / knapsack / Lark electric scooter. Go ahead and try, I say. I’ll be watching to see if you’re the 1 in 20 who’ll be heading back to Tim’s because your coffee is now pooled beneath a door that closes faster than you thought. In the grim depression that is the morning commute, these moments are my rays of sunshine.
November 17th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
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