Tue 10 Nov 2009
Earlier This Afternoon (Court House)
Judge: And how do you plead, son?
Devin: …
Judge: Son? Your plea.
Devin: (softly) Guilty.
Judge: Very well. We’ll reconvene for sentencing on December 12th.
Defense Counsel: You did the right thing, Devin.
Devin: (stares blankly into distance)
***
Four Days Earlier (Police Station)
Devin: Let me go! I’m innocent!
Officer: Oh yeah? Then how come there’s dead-guy-blood all over your boots?
Devin: It wasn’t my fault!
Officer: Oh! So you admit that you did it?
Devin: I…I want to speak to a lawyer.
Officer: Yeah, I bet you do. In the meantime, why don’t you grab a seat? (tosses Devin in cell, slams door)
Devin: (puts head in hands, sobs)
***
Thirty Minutes Earlier (Street)
Devin: (kicking man lying on ground) ASK ME AGAIN! ASK ME AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!
Pete: Devin! What the hell is wrong with you?
Devin: WHO’S HUNGRY NOW, HUH? WHO’S HUNGRY NOW?
Man on Ground: P-please…please. I’m a h-hemophiliac…
Devin: (raises foot in air) YEAAAGGHHHHH!
Leah: DEVIN! NO!
***
Three minutes earlier (Exiting Air Canada Centre)
Pete: You guys want to go grab a beer?
Leah: Definitely. How about you, Devin?
Devin: (teeth clenched) Such fucking bullshit.
Pete: Whoa. What’s up with you, buddy? You’re not still mad about the miss, are you?
Devin: (angrily) And what if I am?
Leah: Jeez, Devin, settle down.
Devin: No, I won’t! We just got screwed over!
Pete: Um, Devin? We won!
Devin: I can’t believe it was the Italian guy, too! You figure he would have given a shit.
Homeless Guy: (to Devin) Excuse me, pal, but can you spare some change for some food?
Devin: (freezes) What did you just say?
Homeless Guy: Just wondering if you could spare a couple of bucks so I could grab a slice of pizza?
Devin: Oh. You want a slice of pizza, eh? (advances)
Leah: Devin, what are you doing?
***
Ten Minutes Earlier (Air Canada Centre)
T.V. Announcer: …and that’s the final buzzer, folks. Raptors 99, Hawks 95. Nice win for Toronto.
Pete: Awesome! Big W!
Leah: Such a great game.
Devin: (rips up ticket, throws on ground) Damnit!
Pete: What’s the matter?
Devin: My five-year-old cousin makes that shot half the time!
Leah: Hey, it happens.
Devin: Let’s get the hell out of this place. (marches up stairs)
Leah: (rolls eyes at Pete)
***
10 Seconds Earlier
Devin: PIZ…
CLANG!
Crowd: OHHHHH!
Devin: He…he missed.
Crowd: (sarcastic smattering of boos)
Pete: So close.
Devin: I…I’m surprised how much I wanted him to hit that.
Leah: Ha. Told you! The chanting is infectious.
Devin: (stares blankly into distance)
***
1 Minute Earlier
T.V. Announcer: 98-95 Raptors, 2.5 seconds left, Bargnani at the line, trying to put this one on ice.
SWISH!
T.V. Announcer: And that should do it, folks! But I’ve got a feeling this crowd would love it if Andrea hit one more.
Crowd: PIZ-ZA! PIZ-ZA! PIZ-ZA!
Devin: Why’s everybody chanting?
Pete: You never been to a game before? If the Raptors score 100 points, everyone gets a free piece of Pizza Pizza.
Devin: What? I’m surprised they can even give that stuff away.
Leah: Give in, Devin. You’re powerless to resist the pizza chant!
Devin: I’m not going to embarrass myself for a free piece of shitty pizza.
Pete: Oh, come on. Loosen up, you old man.
Devin: Fine, whatever. (exaggerated) PIZ-ZA! PIZ-ZA!
Leah: That’s it. Get into it.
Devin: PIZ-ZA! Ha. This is fun. PIZ-ZA! PIZ-ZA! C’mon, big fella!
T.V. Announcer: Bargnani shoots, and…
***
Six Hours Earlier (Office)
Pete: What are you doing tonight?
Devin: Why?
Pete: Leah has an extra ticket to the Raps game. You in?
Devin: Okay, but it can’t be too late a night. I have breakfast with Mr. Lanzer tomorrow, and I think he is going to offer me the big promotion.
Pete: Congrats!
Devin: Thanks. Oh, and guess what? Judy’s pregnant!
Pete: No way!
Devin: We couldn’t be happier.
Pete: Wow! Sounds like you sure have a bright future ahead of you.
Devin: I certainly do, Pete. Yes, I most certainly do.

November 10th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
The Raptors scored under 100 and won?
Dee-fence?
November 10th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Error: You struggle with simple arithmetic
Damn you FCL!
November 11th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Um….You’re a little twisted…
I think you should receive help
November 11th, 2009 at 7:14 am
Oh, come on now, Tommy’s nephew. Semper may struggle a bit with math, but for the most part he’s perfectly sane.
November 11th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Well done Spud, well done.
I got a “free” slice of pizza at a blue jay this year and was quite excited, but I never cashed in my ticket, and that will be something that haunts me for the rest of my life, that and Vernon Wells lack of good.
November 11th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Being lactose intolerant and immune to the help of Lactaid, I feel cheated whenever I “win” the free pizza slice.
So, to replace the feeling of being cheated with one of intense gas cramps and explosive diarrhea, I still eat the free slice. My lower intestine hates the Raptors.
November 11th, 2009 at 11:17 am
Another low blow on Vernon Wells in the comments.
WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?
November 11th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Dude, fucking brilliant.
November 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
[…] foodcourtlunch.com » A Cautionary Tale foodcourtlunch.com/?p=2394 – view page – cached Officer: Oh yeah? Then how come there’s dead-guy-blood all over your boots? […]
November 11th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
The free pizza only valid if the raptors win, right? Say if they scored 114 points but lose the game, we won’t get pizza right?
November 11th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Maybe it was just the pizza pizza at my uni, but it’s not really a “win” But hey, free stuff is free stuff, I guess
November 11th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Social comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by TasMelas: RT @scottcarefoot: The dark side of the Raptors’ free pizza promotion http://bit.ly/3ltGQY (via @GourmetSpud)…
November 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Every time the opposing team scores 100 or more against the Raptors, the fan’s get a free reminder of Rob Babcock’s legacy.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Every time Chris Bosh scores 50 or more, he gets to skip a child support payment.
November 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Every time Andrea Bargnani gets 20 rebounds, he gets a free chin implant.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Every time Durant gets a double double, Bill Simmons squeals like a schoolgirl.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Every time Alonzo Mourning got a double double, the cashier offered him his change.
November 11th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
In fairness to the Sports Guy, that’s his normal voice.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Every time Alonzo Mourning orders a swimming pool, it’s kidney shaped. And he cries.
November 11th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Since when is it a crime to stomp the homeless?
November 11th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
[…] Sidelines. Is it time for D’Antoni to hit the snooze alarm on his sleep-in experiment?PG: FoodCourtLunch. This plays itself out at least three times a year at the ACC, I bet.6th: Silver Screen and Roll. […]
November 11th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Sully’s technique is called “The Irish Street Sweeper”.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
you say street sweeper; I say taking out the trash
November 11th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Look out Itchy, he’s Irish!
November 11th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
[…] Ha. This is fun. PIZ-ZA! PIZ-ZA! C?mon, big fella! T.V. Announcer: Bargnani shoots, and? LINK - Food Court […]
November 12th, 2009 at 8:13 am
I may have been cheering the last 6 minutes of the game for the raptors to get 99 points, it was tense but they did it!!
Spud if you want to write your next article on beautiful women throwing themselves at your readers, I won’t be angry.
November 12th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Every time I make a grammar mistake in a comment, I lament my liberal arts degree.
November 16th, 2009 at 12:03 am
[…] Never, EVER promise Spud a slice of pizza and fail to deliver. [Food Court Lunch] […]
November 18th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
When the free pizza is from Pizza Pizza, there are no winners.
January 5th, 2010 at 1:10 am
baby grand piano…
Megacool Blog indeed!… if anyone else has anything it would be much appreciated. Great website Enjoy!…