Mon 2 Nov 2009
That’s right, kids - we’ve taken this blogging juggernaut known (by 4 people) as Food Court Lunch on the proverbial road, which is more of a cul de sac in our case. We’ve officially blown the entirety of our annual travel budget ($12 CDN and a hand job) in a no-holds-barred odyssey to the as yet undiscovered news and entertainment capital of the world: Indianapolis, Indiana!! While only the 14th largest city in the United States (according to my drunk cabby from the airport, as later confirmed by Wikipedia), it is the 1st largest city when it comes to fun (I am not sure that made sense, but you get my point). In short, Indianapolis makes Cleveland look like a leper colony!
So what’s there to see and do, you ask? What isn’t there to see and do? Well, there isn’t (i) attractive women, (ii) entertainment, (iii) people enjoying themselves (with or without their pants on), (iv) college diplomas and/or GEDs or (v) dental care (apparently). However, aside from these few shortcomings, Indianapolis is a rich cultural tapestry to be enjoyed by all. For example, the city appears to be battling for the title of In-Breeding Capital of the Mid-West, which is pretty cool. Also, if you stand in the cab line at the airport and yell “Manning sucks balls!”, you’re guaranteed a non-consensual sexual encounter that you won’t soon forget.
Admittedly this post (like my ejaculate) may be a little premature, as I have yet to leave my hotel room. Nevertheless, I am told that there is a wonderous zoo, a magical botanical gardens, and a Downtown Westin whose internet connection licks the sweat from my nutsack (that’s right, Westin — bring on the lawsuit!). Also…
Teaser alert - you will have to check back in later this week for updates on my Adventures in Indy. If you’re lucky, I will regale you with stories of untold excitement from the lobby bar and share my awkward moments in the hot tub with three dudes named Stan. Can’t wait? Well hop on a plane and come experience the excitement for yourself - I will be the guy in jean cut-offs gently sobbing in the Westin parking lot…
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:46 am
Yeah, but what are the odds you’d ever be standing behind Danny Manning in an airport cab line?
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:12 am
Just wait a few more years until all the ‘Peyton’s and ‘Manning’s are a little older. Then Indianapolis will really be weird.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Having lived in Indy for a few years, yeah, it’s mostly a cultural desert. It does have one of the better indie record stores in the country, Luna. As for babes, you gotta head south for an hour to IU campus. Or try to time your visits with GenCon, when we import geeks from across the country. Some of them are hot.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EkPP6tomnE&feature=fvw
November 4th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
How lucky, you get to spend time in what we think of as “America’s Calgary”. Indiana’s state motto is “Gateway to the midwest”. They actually brag about being the best place to get to nowhere from.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Yikes, only a squad of Canadian bloggers would consider a trip to Indianapolis a vacation.
Don’t even try going to St. Louis, MO - you will lose your shit!
November 4th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
[…] sure to shock everyone, Maria Sharapova is dating a tall rich guy. /puts engagement ring away. Food Court Lunch: General Tao checks in from his field trip to Indianapolis. Can you feel his excitement? Style […]
November 4th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
By lose do you mean be asked for some money by a bum on the street and kindly offer their shirts as well as their wallets?
November 4th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I have either every reason to be concerned about the General, or to be pissed about the status of the updates.
/rereads post
Oh, Indiana you say. Carry on.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
@semper
Yes, unless bums were “in season,” then the natural Canadian hunting instincts would immediately kick-in.