“Alright, let’s see what all the damn hype is about. I’m telling you, if this sucks and we could have seen Where the Wild Things Are, you’re not picking for a month. Far as I’m concerned, you should still be on parole for My Sister’s Keeper.”

Day #1

“Hey, I didn’t know Casey Affleck was in this. Nope, I’m pretty sure that’s him. Oh, like I’m going to listen to you on this - you still think Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale were played by the same actor.

I have no idea why they wouldn’t have advertised that he was in it. I wasn’t involved in marketing the film.

Wait a second - Micah is the guy’s name? Ha. I bet he’s looking forward to being haunted by a ghost for a while, instead of those painful childhood memories.”

Night #1

“Hey - whose bedroom does that look like? Just imagine if the door was on the other side, and the bed was a queen instead of a king. Ha! Weird, eh? I can almost see your copy of Devil in the White City on the night table.”

Day #2

“Ooooooooooh! Keys on the floor! What an unsettling display of mind games!  What’s the demon going to do next, leave the fridge door open? Mix the recycling in with the regular garbage? Lame. ”

Night #2

“Wow. The door opened and closed. Somebody hold me. Yawn. Seriously, keys on floors, opening and closing doors - who’s this supposed to scare, obsessive compulsives?”

Day #3

“Pfft. I don’t know what they spent $15,000 on, but it sure as hell wasn’t a script. And where did they find this guy playing the doctor? He looks like he’s going to crack up any second. Probably because he knows he’s in a shitty movie. And of course, when Dr. Giggles says don’t use a Ouija board, you just know later on they’re going to use a Ouija board.

They should have called this movie, “Para-noying Cliches.” Heh. That was pretty good.”

Night #3

“You know, I read that they filmed this at the director’s actual HOLY SHIT! Gah! Okay, that one got me. Heh. Kind of shouted there. Sorry about that. I’m embarrassed.”

Day #5

“I’m so sure they would be this calm about the whole thing. Shouldn’t she have started pulling her hair out by now, at least? The thing’s supposedly been stalking her since she was a little kid, and she’s acting like they’re dealing with raccoons who keep tearing apart their garbage.

Oh, and of course buddy boy here has all the latest audio software. Hey, here’s an idea, Micah - if you’ve got all this cash to spend on fancy computer programs and a big ass camera, how about buying a television that isn’t eight feet thick? Seriously, you could put a one-bedroom apartment in that thing. Get a flat screen.

I’m sorry, but if they really want to do the whole ‘blur the line between reality and fiction’ thing, these details matter. They’re distracting.”

Night #5

“Alright, these night scenes aren’t bad, but there’s no way it should be getting all this attention. Fuck Film Threat, I’m taking them out of my bookmarks first thing…wait. Why is she just standing…

Oh my. Oh…oh my.”

Day #10

“Oh, come on! Baby powder? Baby powder? What, you need more proof you’re completely fucked? CALL THE DEMONOLOGIST, IDIOT! His number is right on the god damn counter! Even for a day trader, this guy’s obnoxious.

And why is she still letting this moron make all the plans for them? Seriously, go get eaten or whatever. See if I care.”

Night #10

“OH, SON OF A BITCH! (kicks seat in front) WHAT’S DOING THAT?

Sorry, sir. Sorry. It’s just…Jesus.”

Day #16

“Is he calling out the demon? Did he actually just do that? What, is he going to challenge him to a Call of Duty match for his girlfriend’s soul?

(cupping hands to mouth) CALL…THE…FUCKING…DEMONOLOGIST! This is his chosen field of study! You’re a glorified cell phone salesman from New Jersey! Let the expert do his job, for Christ’s sake!”

Night #16

“IT’S COMING UP THE STAIRS! IT’S COMING UP THE STAIRS!”

Day #17

“And heeeeeeeeere comes the Ouija Board! I mean, why not? He’s only been told by a ghost doctor that it’s the worst thing he can do. Honestly, I hope he gets killed. I hope he gets gang raped by whatever the hell is out there, and I hope it fills up the rest of this movie. Fuck this.”

Night #18

“MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCKING BED SHEETS!

I’m going to the washroom. Just for a second. I’m not leaving you. I just…fine. FINE. I’ll stay. Jesus. (looks at watch) How long is this movie, anyway?”

Day #19

“Huh? My legs are shaking because I have to go to the bathroom, which you wouldn’t let me do. And they need to make these day scenes longer, because those night ones are starting to…aw fuck! AW FUCK! IT’S GOT DAY TIME POWERS NOW!”

Night #20

“OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! WHERE IS IT TAKING HER? WHERE IS IT…

You know what? I’m leaving. No, you shush! I DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW IT ENDS! I really don’t. I’ll see you in the car.”

Back at home. 3:30 a.m.

“Hey babe. What are you doing up? You want some coffee? I just made a fresh pot. Oh, and you were right, it wasn’t Casey Affleck. I just checked IMDB.

Huh? Oh, no thanks. You go back to bed. I’m going to sleep out here from now on.

TURN THAT LIGHT BACK ON!”