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As the head of the IT department here at Food Court Lunch HQ, I feel that it is my duty to keep abreast of the latest technological developments (i.e., ham radios, phonographs, gyrocopters, the “interwebs”). However, after blowing last year’s corporate budget on the radio toaster only to find out that it didn’t receive AM channels, I was forced to give an undertaking to my fellow bloggers that I would try to be a little more discerning in my technological forrays. Accordingly, against my better judgment, I refrained from outfitting the Food Court Lunch restrooms with the RSStroom Reader personal news toilet paper delivery system.

Recently, however, the kids at the shelter have been talking so much about “Twitter” and “Tweeting” and “shivving” that I felt obliged to look into it (for the record, the third term is apparently wholly unrelated to the first two, and is not something I would recommend). And so, with great anticipation, I registered for my Twitter account and unleashed a torrent of “Tweets” the likes of which the world has never known. And by that, I mean that I sat in my tighty whiteys staring blankly at the screen in a desperate attempt to think of something in my life that merited an update to the world. Here is a sample of my first few Tweets:

  • I have officially registered for Twitter, just a few years behind everyone else!! Let’s party!!
  • I am mildly hungry…
  • Actually, I think I was more thirsty than hungry at the time of my last Tweet. Problem solved! LOL.
  • It burns when I pee.

Surprisingly, the kids didn’t seem to be embracing my updates. In an effort to appeal to the younger generation, I decided to drop some vowels and do some super-cool tech talkin’:

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  • the Jonas Bros r sooo hot – I wnt to mry the one who lks like he has FAS
  • i lve ttees
  • STDs rool!
  • I lke bg bts & I cnnot lie, u othr brthrs cn’t dny, tht whn a grl wlks in wth an itty bitty wste & a rnd thng in yo fce u get sprng!

Eventually I started to bore even myself, which I took as a sign that the masses might similarly be tiring of my pointless updates. After all, who wants to read about the daily minutiae of everyone else’s lives on a constant loop of inane chatter!? Well, apparently the more than 1 million users of Twitter… I therefore decided to spice things up by simply lying about what I was doing:

  • I just invaded Poland… LOL
  • I am having sex with your wife – she asked you to pick up milk on the way home
  • I keep weapons of mass destruction in my basement – they’re next to the fridge
  • Contrary to what Michael Flatley would have you believe, I am the Lord of the Dance
  • You shall not pass!
  • I just got back from picking up some power converters at the Toshi Station – suck it, Luke!

Admittedly the only people who seem to be reading my latest “Tweets” are two Ugandan gorillas, but I can feel the groundswell of support building with each pointless status update! Thank you, Twitter, for allowing me to express what should really be kept to myself…